Parenting Blog

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 --  F. P. Jones

Some parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap. Later, they're filled with remorse. Sound familiar?

Calming down is tough. The key is to intervene BEFORE you get angry.
 
Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something has been grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
 
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate. Do something nice to nurture yourself.
 
If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

• Make a positive connection with your child
• Empathize with whatever they’re expressing
• Restate your family rule or expectation
• Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating. 

There's always a solution besides losing it. Sending them outside? Snuggling with him on the couch for 15 minutes?  Dropping whatever you were doing for five minutes so you can move her along into whatever she's supposed to be doing? Roaring like a lion and getting the kids to all join in? Taking five minutes alone in the bathroom to breathe deep and regroup? 

The miracle comes when you face the fact of your rising irritation, instead of trying to ignore it or reflexively yelling.  That helps you notice the accident that could lie ahead -- and your chance to step in like the super-parent that you are, to avert disaster.

"The importance of the parent-child relationship is above everything else in parenting. If you work on that relationship, over behavior, that will win in the end. You may not get the behavior in the short term but in the long term it's that bond that keeps kids safe and emotionally healthy." -- Judy Arnall

I'm not a good listener by nature.  In fact, I'm impatient.  When I started my training as a psychologist, I had to work hard to keep my own mouth shut so I could really hear what my client was telling me.  Often, the most important information came out camouflaged, between other comments.  We all do that when we share our most vulnerable feelings. 

Kids are no different.  The feelings they're having a hard time handling pour out as what we usually consider bad behavior.  That tantrum my son had in front of the relatives at age three?  He felt I had betrayed him by not listening to his needs, doing instead what was socially acceptable. (He was right.) That time when she was twelve and started screaming at me?  She was all tangled up inside and trying to tell me about it, and I was too distracted to listen.

If we're lucky, our kids give us a second chance to listen -- by losing it!  If we respond by shutting them down -- yelling, punishing, giving a timeout, sending them to their room to "calm down," even demanding respect in that delicate moment -- we give them the clear message that they're on their own with those scary feelings.  If, instead, we can train ourselves to pay attention to "bad" behavior as a red flag, we:

1. Model self control and anger management (and we all know kids learn from what we do, not what we say.)

2. Help them develop emotional intelligence so they learn how to handle their own feelings.

3. Strengthen our bond with our child by showing up to help them when they most need us.

4. Give them the tools they need to minimize these kinds of upsets as they get older.

5. Earn their respect, so they're more likely to be respectful to us in the future.

Why not try it?  Next time your child signals distress by raising her voice, just stop. Drop everything else. Take a deep breath, and listen, staying as calm as you can.  Remind yourself not to take this personally. Try to see it from her perspective and empathize. Later, when everyone's calmed down, you'll find your child completely amenable when you make a gentle suggestion about the respectful tone you expect to be used in your house (or whatever other expectation you need to set.)

By the time your kid's a teen, he'll amaze others with his emotional stability.  He'll even amaze you, by intervening in a nurturing voice to help you calm down when YOU lose it. In a teenager, that's what I call a miracle.

“Here’s something that fear will never tell you.  You don’t have to feel this way. Fear only tells you about fight or flight.  It never tells you that the mountain in front of you is of your own making.” -- Guy Finley

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -- Viktor E. Frankl

Zen Buddhism says mindfulness is the path to peace and enlightenment. What’s mindfulness? Paying attention to your experience in the present moment.

When we pay attention to our actual experience, we notice how our minds often interpret our experience through a lens of fear that creates stress. That stress triggers us to react in ways that make everything worse. We're constantly making mountains out of molehills.

What if you could respond to stressful times with your kids without getting stressed?  Believe it or not, you can. It just takes a little practice. Here’s how.

1. As soon as you feel your hackles rising, stop. Just stop.  This is the hardest step, but the most important.  When you bring awareness to the present moment, you stop reacting automatically.  You give yourself a choice of how to respond.

2. Breathe deeply.  Shake the tension out of your fingertips, blow it out of your mouth, whatever works for you to shift your physical state from fight to calm. I say "Thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow,"  and it calms me right down. Whatever works for you.

3. Once you’re calm, ask yourself: Is there a real problem involving physical danger happening right now, this very moment? Or am I experiencing anxiety, negative thought patterns, catastrophic scenarios? (99% of the time, that's the case.)

4. Notice what thought(s) are in your mind that are producing your stress.

5. Ask yourself: Is this thought absolutely true? (e.g., Is it really true that the baby will just keep crying all night and I won't get to sleep at all? ....Will my son absolutely become an axe murderer because he hit that kid on the playground? ....Will my daughter absolutely fail in school and life because she got this bad report card? ....Am I really a complete failure as a mother because my children are once again screaming at each other?)

6. Ask yourself: Are there alternative ways of viewing this situation that would be not only less stressful, but more useful in meeting my needs and goals? (e.g., The baby probably won't keep crying, and I can take this one moment at a time and just breathe through it, and I can trade off with my spouse so we each get some sleep.......My son is only three, and he was frightened; I can help him learn to handle his feelings more constructively.......My daughter's bad report card means we need to change our evening routines to work with her more.......I am doing the best I can as a mother and all siblings fight, but I do want a more peaceful home; I think I'll read that book on sibling rivalry."  Notice that none of these views involve yelling at your child or berating yourself. Once you calm down and accept the situation, there is always some way to claim your power to change the situation.

Sound hard?  Like any other skill, it takes practice. At first, just catching yourself in time to notice your mind running away with itself will feel impossible most of the time. But if you keep working at it, you'll find yourself laughing as you notice your mind's catastrophic thinking. ("I'm really about to lose it with my three year old because I think I have to prove who's boss?!")

The miracle is that once you bring awareness to that moment, you have the choice of how to act.

"Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." -- William Feather

Do you postpone joy?

You know what I mean. Sidestep your spouse’s kiss because you have to get the kids up for school? Hurry your child along the sidewalk when she’s doing her dance steps? Refuse your kids’ invitation to a snowball fight? Turn away from the sunset because you have to fix dinner? Miss out on reading to your kids now that they can read their own bedtime stories? Wish you could take a bubble bath but check your email instead?

We’re all guilty of taking the joy that pours into our lives for granted. We let it slip right through our fingers, in the name of efficiency and responsibility.

But what if reveling in that joy is part of what makes you a more inspired parent?  What if you and your spouse need those kisses to stay connected so you’re a better parenting team?  What if enjoying your daughter’s dancing on the sidewalk helps her start the day basking in your love?  What if that snowball fight is just what you need to defuse tension and re-connect with your kid?  What if those bedtime stories give your child the much-needed message that you’ll always be there for a snuggle, no matter how old she gets?  What if that bubble bath would help you be a more patient parent tomorrow? What if you never know which sunset is your last?

Would you do anything differently?
Why not start today?

“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan…but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on that plane…90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path...During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life…it doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back time and time again.” – Stephen Covey

You may have noticed that you aren’t perfect. That sometimes you aren’t the parent or the person you want to be. Welcome to humanity.  Sometimes you blow it.  We all do.

The bad news is that even if we’re committed to showing up with love for ourselves and others, life happens. We get disconnected -- from our spouse, our child, our own deepest guidance. There’s no magic that keeps us on the right path. In fact, all relationships are a constant series of connections and disconnections, missteps and course corrections.

The good news is that the journey of our life is woven from the individual steps we take every single day. The faster we notice those actions that are taking us in the wrong direction, the easier it is to course correct.

The even better news is that our sincere course corrections actually strengthen our relationships. Every time you re-connect with your baby or child, you teach trust. Every time you choose love over anger, you role model forgiving yourself and others. Every time you reach across a divide between you and your loved one, you testify to the boundlessness of your love, your commitment that "There ain't no river wide enough" to keep your love from getting through.

So don't worry about having been on the wrong path. Start where you are, and course correct. How?

1. When you make a mistake. Join the club! Greet it as an opportunity to learn and change, rather than beat yourself up. You'll find it's a lot easier to stick to your plan to do better when you let go of the tears and recriminations and focus instead on forgiving yourself. Like our kids, we do better when we feel better.

2. When you don't know how to get through to your kid.  Consider that he may be feeling disconnected from you. That's often the source of kids' misbehavior.  Before you worry about correcting his behavior, find a way to reconnect.  Appreciate something very specific about his behavior. Do something nice for him. Play with him, focusing all your attention. Seize every chance to snuggle, listen and empathize.

3. When you need to help your child course correct.  It's completely possible to deepen your connection with your child while helping her course-correct.  In fact, that's what inspired parenting is all about.  Misbehavior is your child's way of signaling that she needs your help. That's why conventional discipline doesn't produce emotionally healthy kids who are naturally considerate and responsible -- because it weakens the parent-child bond. The secret? Set all limits with empathy.

4. When you don't like the path you're on. There's no reason to keep going in a direction that's taking you away from your desired destination. Luckily, when we change, the world around us somehow transforms too. Start by making sure your cup is full, so you have the inner resources to show up as your best self. Then, whenever you notice a misstep, just stop.  Breathe, say thank you for the awareness, and change course. Two steps forward and one step back still takes you where you want to go.  Pretty soon, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape.