Parenting Blog

This post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

Your 18 month old notices how perfectly that slice of bologna will fit into the cd player.  Instead of shrieking and smacking her hand, you realize that this is an effort at mastery -- in fact, a brilliant one.  You say "Wow, that fits! You noticed it's a circle, and it's the right size.  But bologna doesn't go there, the cd goes there.  See how the cd goes in?  Let's feed that bologna to the cat.  See how happy that makes him? Now let's find your shape sorter.  Do you see any circles?  Where do you think they could go?" 

Your two year old is cranky and whining; you can't seem to please him. You could put him in front of the TV, which will teach him that when you're feeling off-kilter you should zone out, distract yourself,  and "stuff" your feelings.  Instead, you realize that two year olds build up a lot of frustration in the course of the day and sometimes they just need a safe place to let it all out (your arms!) You say: "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning...I wonder if you just need to cry?  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.  Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want." 

Your four year old always wants Mommy and won't let Daddy put him to bed. Instead of taking it personally and huffing out of the room, you realize this is a normal developmental phase.  You help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers mom by playing a game where you "try" unsuccessfully to keep him away from Mommy.  Get between him and his mom, and roar that you won't let him get to his mom, and then let him run right around you, or better yet, push you over.  Let him be the powerful one while you bumble and protest.  He'll giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom.  He'll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her. Laughter releases stress hormones as well as tears and is a lot more fun.  Then, let him choose who he wants to put him to bed.  Don't be surprised if he chooses Dad. (If he doesn't, just keep repeating this game to help him work through this issue.)

Your five year old keeps looking right at you and breaking rules, like jumping on the couch.  You realize that one of two things is going on.  Either he's angry and taunting you as part of a larger power struggle.  Or he's pushing to see where the limits are to make sure you're in charge and can keep him safe. 

Should you punish him?  Well, if this is a power struggle, punishment will just escalate it; the solution is to sidestep confrontations with re-direction, choices, and more autonomy for him in general.  And if he's checking to see where the boundaries are, punishing him won't make him feel safer, it will just convince him you're not on his side. 

So should you just give up on your limit and let him jump on the couch?  That's your choice. I personally found it a great release for my kids and my couch is still fine years later.  Kids do seem to need to jump, and I didn't have any good alternatives to offer them. But in that case, be explicit that you've dropped that rule so he's not confused about your laxity.

On the other hand, if you're clear that couches are not for jumping, then you need to step in to redirect him every single time he breaks the rule. Take his hand and say, "You know the rule is No Jumping on the couch.  It breaks the couch.  You can jump on the trampoline in the basement, or you can go outside and jump on your pogo stick, but NO jumping on the couch."  If you intervene this way every single time he even thinks about jumping on the couch, he'll stop doing it.

You've told your six year old three times to go brush her teeth, but you hang up the phone and see she's still playing on the computer.  Instead of yelling, you realize that your expectation wasn't age-appropriate.  She needed your help.  You walk over, put your hand on her shoulder, and say "Sweetie, look up at me." You wait until she tears her gaze from the computer to make eye contact and connect with you. "It's time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.  You've had three warnings. Can you turn off the computer yourself or do you want me to do it?" She begins to wheedle to just finish this one part of the game. "I'm sorry, Sweetie, I know it's hard to stop, but you can play more tomorrow. Now it's time to say Goodbye, Game. Ok, I'm turning it off.  I know that makes you sad, but I was on the phone a long time and now it's almost lights out. Come, let's go upstairs.  I want to make sure we have time for a story.  What should we read tonight?"

Today's post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Example

Three year olds can be a handful. Unfortunately, timeouts often set up a pattern of power struggles with them. Luckily, there are better ways to coax good behavior out of even the most "difficult" three year olds.

Discipline means "to guide."  If it crosses the line from guidance to retaliation, that's punishment.  And all punishment makes your child feel angry, which hardens his heart to you and makes him less likely to cooperate.  A kid who thinks you're on his side, on the other hand, WANTS to behave, which is half the battle.

But are Timeouts punishment? Yes, absolutely.  They're no different than when you were made to stand in the corner.  Timeouts are a symbolic abandonment and leave your kid alone with his unmanageable feelings just when he most needs you.  They make him feel like a naughty person, which means he's more likely to act like a naughty person.  They don't help him to regulate his feelings or his behavior.  (You didn't seriously think he was sitting on the naughty step considering how to be a better kid, did you? Like any normal human, he's reviewing why he was right and plotting revenge.)

Ok, no punishment. But how can you manage your child's behavior without punishment?

1.Give him words.  What's under his bad behavior?  Bad feelings!  Kids act out their feelings because they don't know what else to do with them.  Build emotional intelligence by helping him name -- and begin to control -- that force sweeping through him:

• "You are so mad you want to bite!"
• "You are crying, you really want to play longer."
• "You are telling Mommy to shut up because you are so mad!"
• "You are telling me you didn't eat the cookie but I see you have chocolate on your mouth; I think you are scared to tell me the truth."

2. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self.  Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.  

• Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: "You are mad but no biting!"
• Pick her up: "You wish you could play longer but it's time for bed."
• Make loving eye contact: "You are so upset right now."
• Put your hand on her shoulder: "You're scared to tell me about the cookie."

3. Set limits -- but set them with empathy.  Of course you need to enforce your rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they're more able to accept our limits. 

• "You’re very very mad and hurt, but we don’t bite.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
• "You wish you could play longer, but it's bedtime. I know that makes you sad."
• "You don't want Mommy to say No, but the answer is No. We don't say 'Shut Up' to each other, but it's ok to be sad and mad."
• "You are scared, but we always tell the truth to each other."

4. Give him what he wants through wish fulfillment.  He thinks he needs to bite his brother or keep playing, but what he really needs is someone who understands and loves him, no matter what. Someone who cares about his happiness.

• "Sometimes you wish your brother would just go away, even though other times you love to play with him."
• "I bet when you get big you'll never stop playing, you'll play all night long, right?"
• "I bet you wish you had a mom who never said No, who always said Yes, Yes, Yes!"
• "I know you wish you didn't eat the cookie."

5. Help him calm down.  Do a "Time-In" where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm "holding environment" for your child's storm.  Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids discharge and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually. 

6. Don't try to reason during the emotional storm.  When we're hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, we can't learn. Afterwards, he'll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he'll be open to your guidance about why we don't say "Shut Up" (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)

7. Resist the urge to punish.  You don't need to punish your child to teach a lesson. If you do, I guarantee you he will be more likely to lie, misbehave and act disrespectfully in the future.  He already knows what behavior you want.  Now he just needs your help to manage his emotions so he feels better -- and can act better.

I know that this may seem foreign to you if you're been relying on Timeouts, but you will see a huge improvement in your little one's behavior once you renounce punishment.  You can enforce high standards, if you stay connected and set limits empathically, because your child will WANT to behave.  Still wondering how to put all this into practice? There's a whole section on this website on Positive Discipline.

And for more on timeouts, here's the answer to a letter Why Timeouts are a Bad Idea, and an article What's Wrong with Timeouts and Consequences. 

Dr. Laura -- You said in your daily email yesterday that "Happy parents think in terms of long-term development rather than short-term compliance. They don’t punish, even with “timeouts” or “consequences.” Instead, they encourage and guide, helping kids develop the emotional intelligence they need to make wise choices. They're committed to seeing things from their child's point of view so kids feel heard and understood. As a result, kids "own" parental limits and internalize self-discipline at an earlier age."   So... how?   Can you give some examples? I learn by example and would really like to put this into practice. -- Kate

It's a fair question. So today's post consists of questions I hear frequently from parents, with suggestions that foster emotional intelligence. Remember that the links with each question have many more suggestions for that age/issue, including examples of what to say to your child.

Your 8 month old wants to feed herself but she makes a huge mess.  To reduce the risk of power struggles around food, eating disorders and obesity later in life, you want your baby to take charge of her own eating as soon as possible. That may well conflict with your desire for a clean kitchen, high chair, and baby. It may even conflict with an image you have of yourself as a nurturing mother bird spooning food into her chick's open mouth.

But the latest research shows that the sooner babies assume control of their eating, the healthier their attitudes toward food. That means no airplane games where you coax baby to open her mouth when she'd like to keep it shut. I'm not saying she's ready to handle her own spoon immediately, although I'd certainly let her try.  I'm just suggesting that you see the time period of spoon-feeding as limited, and instead emphasize foods she can feed herself. For more on babies and solid food, click here.

Your 13 month old is becoming increasingly resistant and engaging in power struggles, for instance refusing to get into her carseat and screaming when she can't have what she wants.  This is the age that takes parents by surprise.  But it's completely appropriate for kids to have their own opinions, and develop a sense of their own power in the world. That's the first step towards taking responsibility for themselves, which you want to encourage.

Use your size advantage as a last resort because every time you make her "lose" you're increasing her tendency to be oppositional.  Remember that it takes two to have a power struggle and your job is to avoid them.  Instead, look for win/win solutions that meet both your needs.  What she wants is control, so offer her palatable choices, either of which you can accept: "Do you want to climb into the carseat yourself, or do you want me to zoom you in like an airplane coming in for a landing?" 

And you'll be amazed at how empathy defuses emotion, even at this age:  "You are crying, you really wish you could have that, but that's not for babies."  He will cry harder for a few moments (as we all do when we feel understood and the floodgates open) but then he'll be able to let it go and move on to other things. For more examples of fostering emotional intelligence with this age group, see these answers to reader's letters: 13 month old already fighting with mom, Tantrums in 13 month old.

Your two year old shows no interest in the potty. So let him wait.  Fights about his body are fights you will never win. You want this to be his idea, and then it will be painless for everyone. I guarantee he will use the potty eventually; the only question is whether it happens easily and effortlessly or causes you and him grief. Your best bet is to expose him to other kids who use the potty so he wants to get in on the game.  For more on potty learning, click here.  And here's the answer to a letter Potty Training Struggles with Toddler who Won't Go.

Your three year old hits the baby.  First of all, never leave a three year old alone with a baby.  The stakes are too high.  Second, set limits but refrain from punishing, which will just make him feel (and act) worse. Third, understand that introducing a baby into the family can't help but send your older child into a panic. Naturally he assumes you got a replacement because he isn't good enough. 

Now's the time to step up those games that let him giggle off the stress and convince him you adore him.  Every day, spend 20 minutes playing the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more MIchael hugs...." 

Did you know that giggling discharges the same stress hormones as tantrumming? Kids who are stressed (and every child who has a new sibling is stressed) are so much happier and more cooperative when they have a daily chance to vent, and this game also deepens your relationship with your child.

For more on this issue, see How to Help Your Child Adjust to the New Baby and these answers to letters: Easing Sibling Rivalry with New Baby, Positive Discipline when Toddler Hits Baby, and 3 Year Old Hitting Little Sister.

Yelling and disciplining can ruin anyone’s day.  Happy parents, on the other hand, may look more calm and patient, but they aren’t working at it – they’re just enjoying their children. This, of course, creates a better parent-child relationship, which produces better-behaved kids – so there’s less need to work at being patient through clenched teeth. 

Happy parents spend the same amount of time parenting as other parents, but they don’t work as hard at it because they don’t need to.  What are their secrets?

• Perhaps the most important secret of happy parents is that they’ve actually found a way to make parenting easier. Happy parents know that from tantrums to texting, the secret of happy parenting is a close relationship with their child; their kids want to please them because they’ve built an exceptionally strong bond.  Parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and, frankly, parenting becomes an exhausting, thankless task.

• Happy parents think in terms of long-term development rather than short-term compliance.  They don’t punish, even with “timeouts” or “consequences.” Instead, they encourage and guide, helping kids develop the emotional intelligence they need to make wise choices. They're committed to seeing things from their child's point of view so kids feel heard and understood.  As a result, kids "own" parental limits and internalize self-discipline at an earlier age.

• Happy parents have high expectations of their kids at the same time that they offer a ton of support.  That means they don’t compromise about family time, respectful relating, good study habits, or other core values.  That makes for happier parents and (ultimately) happier kids. At the same time, happy parents are committed to providing as much hand-holding as needed while their kids solidify their skills and habits, in whatever arena.

• Happy parents know that when we feel good, we're better parents.  Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. They keep their own cups full.

• Happy parents manage their own emotions so they can give their kids the best of themselves, rather than the rest of themselves. They notice when their moods veer into negativity and steer themselves back.

How do they do it?  Don’t worry, they aren’t perfect.  In fact, another trait shared by happy parents is that they renounce perfection.  They embrace the inevitable blunders and mishaps of being human, knowing that compassion for themselves gives them the emotional equilibrium to be generous to their kids.  Self-nurture is what makes it possible for them to love their kids unconditionally. They consciously “parent” themselves, as well as their kids.

Welcome to the work of parenting.  Of course, that's where the rewards are, too.

"When we demonstrate love and respect, that's what we get back. Love and respect are automatic when you say what you see." -- Sandra R. Blackard

1. How can I get my kid to behave?
2. How can I build a close relationship with my child?
3. How can I insure my kid will have good self-esteem?
4. How can I increase my child's intelligence?
5. How can I teach my kids to get along with each other and solve their own problems?

Want to know a parenting strategy that works for ALL of these questions?  Say what you see.  As in,

"I see you're choosing to do your homework right away before you play. "
"Oooh.  The water is cold on your feet!"
"You're using lots of blue that painting."
"You have been working for a long time on that."
"Wow! You pushed the button and the light came on!"
"You are crying so hard."
"You sure made Michael happy when you gave him a turn with the truck."
"Two kids want the seat.  Hmm.  Must be something you can do to work that out."

Why does this simple strategy work?  Our child feels seen, heard, understood, recognized, empowered, valued.  Positive choices are rewarded with attention. We connect.  Sometimes, that's all it takes.