Parenting Blog

"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don’t, I crank the music loud at home and do a dance class." – Deborah Purcell

I'm hoping that you're finding parenting to be mostly wonderful, even if it's sometimes exasperating. 

But if you're finding yourself frequently resentful, depleted or exhausted, if your mind chatter often includes negative thoughts about your child, or if you're yelling at your child on a regular basis, you may be suffering from what I call SAP Disorder -- Sacrificing yourself on the Altar of Parenthood.

That's when we forget to give ourselves the attention we need.  It isn't good for us to feel deprived.  And it isn't good for our kids, who end up with a resentful, negative, impatient parent.

Does that mean you should tell your kid he can forget about getting his needs met, that it's about time your needs came first? No, of course not. Parenting is about nurturing our child, which means noticing what she needs and trying to make sure she gets it.

But we can only be inspired parents to the degree that we "parent" ourselves. The solution is to tend to ourselves as well as we can each moment of the day, just as we do our child. To honor both our needs and theirs. How?

1. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day.  Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well-being.  Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Simply being present with yourself is an essential form of "attention" that we all need.

2. Every time you notice you're getting resentful or irritable, stop.  Ask yourself "What do I need right now to stay in balance?"  Then, give it to yourself -- whether your child is there or not.  (Five minutes to sit on the back steps and listen to the birds? A glass of water? Five minutes of dancing to great music?)  If you can't do it right now, make a date with yourself for later.  (A bath after the kids go to bed. A glass of wine with your spouse. More sleep tonight.)

3. Notice the challenging times of day and find ways to nurture yourself through them.  It's your life, and you're in charge, whether it feels that way or not. Letting yourself feel victimized doesn't help your kids. Does bedtime drive you crazy?  Make a plan to make it better, whether that's sharing more responsibility with your spouse, starting earlier, posting a schedule, getting more sleep yourself, or enjoying a cup of tea while you read to your child. 

4. Consciously parent yourself.  Did you know that it's your job to be your own parent?  If you're old enough to have a child yourself, your parents are off the hook.  It's your responsibility now. Talk to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times.  Acknowledge all your efforts in the right direction.  No, you're not perfect. You don't need to be.  You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby. Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting -- and our lives.

5. Soak in the beauty of every moment you can.  Stop rushing and revel in your child's laughter, the sweet smell of his hair, her joy in mastering something new.  "Smelling the roses" replenishes your spirit. It makes life worth living. And it cures SAP disorder.

"(Sometimes) the motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of ourselves that is starving for the kind of love and attention we dole out to those around us on a daily basis. For any number of reasons, we are unable to give ourselves the love we need … This does not mean that we are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that we would do well to turn some of that helping energy within.” – Daily Om

Being a parent means nurturing and giving to someone else 24/7. It means offering unconditional love to this sometimes exasperating little person, especially when he or she least “deserves” it. It often means putting our own needs last.  We grow from this experience, stretching our hearts so more love fits in.  Don’t you feel your heart is bigger now than it was before you became a parent?

But sometimes we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of parenthood in a way that isn’t good for us -- and therefore isn’t good for our kids.  How do you know if you’re doing this? 

1. You frequently feel resentful, depleted or exhausted.

2. You yell at your child. (Really.)

3. You notice that your mind chatter frequently includes negative thoughts about your child.

Of course, all parents sometimes feel depleted, resentful, or exhausted.  But when these feelings are so frequent that you often just can’t summon up the energy to respond to your child in a positive way, it’s a sign that something is out of balance.  It’s time to make a change. 

I’m not suggesting you tell your kids they can live on bread and water while you head off to Paris for the weekend.  I’m suggesting that there are solutions that honor both your needs and theirs.

And I’m certain that your child deserves a parent who feels and acts positively toward him or her, almost all the time.

Finding that inner inspired parent when you’ve been suffering from SAP disorder is the subject of tomorrow’s daily inspiration. Until then, you might want to just notice your inner state as you relate to your child. And give yourself a little TLC.  You deserve it.

“We're not grateful because we're happy.
We're happy because we're grateful.”
     Brother David Stendl-Rast

Almost every wisdom tradition has a practice of gratitude.  These traditions persist not only for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because they work. The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency.  We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.

Let's do an experiment.
Right now:
Name 10 things for which you're grateful.  Feel that gratitude.
Actually do this.
At least 10.

What do you notice after doing this practice?

Research shows that you can actually shift a bad mood with an avalanche of appreciation. No matter how difficult the day, there is always something for which to be grateful. 

You can even do this with your kids -- they love it! Just start naming things you're grateful for and let everyone chime in. Keep it up for five minutes, and the whole mood in your family will have shifted.

May your day be filled with gratitude.

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” --
Dr. Haim Ginott

Kids have antenna.  Whenever you lower your voice to speak to someone else, their ears perk up.  And if they hear their name, their attention is riveted.

Kids know we say things to them for effect, whether positive or negative.  Their defenses go up and they may not trust our intentions.  Are they being manipulated?

But when they hear us saying nice things about them to someone else, there's no filter.  They assume it's true.  And they live up (or down) to what they hear.

Any specific traits you want to encourage?  Say nice things about how your child is developing those traits, not to him but within his hearing.  Recognize any progress at all in the right direction.

"He's so determined when he works on a project. He takes a break and then keeps coming back to it."
"She's getting to be so good with her little brother.  You should have seen how patient she was when...."
"You won't believe what a great reader he's becoming. He spends more and more time reading these days."
"She's a whiz with numbers."
"He's growing up and becoming so responsible. He barely needs to be reminded to..."
"She's so helpful and considerate.  Why just today, she...."

Enjoy the results!

 "Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother."  -- Rose Kennedy

Most parents take their job as teachers very seriously.  We teach our kids colors.  ABCs.  Sharing.  Right from wrong.

But sometimes we don't even notice a much more important lesson we're imparting to our children: how to  manage themselves and their feelings.  This is the basis of emotional intelligence (EQ), which will determine their quality of life much more fundamentally than their IQ.

Kids learn how to manage "big feelings" when we stay calm in the face of their upset, and "love" them back into emotional equilibrium.  Research shows their brains learn to self soothe through this process. Eventually, they learn to stabilize themselves even in the face of stressful situations and emotions.

That's the unconditional love that we all know every child needs. When we love them even while they're raging, or needy, or demanding. When we see past the bad behavior to the overwhelmed child who's acting out.  When we love them, difficult feelings and all, instead of sending them away until they can "act right."  When we love first, and then wait until they're calm and can actually learn before we talk about appropriate behavior.

Research shows that kids who receive this unconditional love when they're upset learn to manage their emotions earlier than other kids. They're closer to their parents through the teen years and beyond.  They're more skilled at calming themselves, and handle stress better, both as kids and as adults. Unconditional love creates higher EQ.