Parenting Blog

“When we acknowledge our children’s right to want things, as well as their right to be upset when they can’t have what they want, it goes a long way toward defusing their anger and the tantrums that occur as a result.”  -- Nancy Samalin

The part of NO that our kids don't understand is the part where we make them feel bad about themselves and what they want, instead of just saying NO to the behavior.

How do you feel when you can't have something?  Maybe a nice vacation, or dinner at a fancy restaurant, or even just a few minutes to yourself?  Think how much better you feel when your spouse, or friend, responds to your desire like this:

"I see how much you want that....I wish you could have it...You deserve it....Wouldn't it be nice?"

But what if instead they say:

"No way!  What, are you crazy?! In your dreams!  Get over it!"  or, worse yet, "You're always wanting things! You're so greedy and self-centered! Do you think you're the center of the universe?"

From your perspective, your kid's desire to stay up later, swing from the lights at the doctor's office, or have her birthday party at a fancy place might be just plain nuts.  But if you can say YES to the feelings and desire, even while you say NO to the behavior or request, your child will feel (and act) a whole lot better.

 Like this:

"You wish you could stay up later.  When you're big, I bet you'll stay up all night, every night, right? But right now it's bedtime. Do want to pick a story or should I?"

"You're full of energy right now.  This isn't a good place for jumping around, but when we get outside, we can play a little in the park across the street before we head home. Want to play this puzzle game with me while we wait for the doctor?"

"You wish you could have a party at that place, but we can't afford it. I see how disappointed you are, Sweetie.  I know you want a really great party where all the kids will have lots of fun.  Let's brainstorm about how to have a really fun party in our backyard.  Should everyone bring bathing suits and have a water fight? Should we make a special cake together?"

You might even post a little sign on your refrigerator or car dashboard:

Allow feelings, Limit behavior.

"When we act with love, trying to understand the other person, it is easy, natural to have more patience." -- Alice Uchida

Sometimes we have a hard day.  We have an interaction with our child that leaves wounds.

Or we find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child, where we see everything she does through a negative lens.

How can we recover, heal, repair the relationship, move back into a positive cycle?

1. Write a list of all the things you appreciate about your child.  Make sure you write at least a page.  Stalled out?  Think back to when he was a baby.  Or reflect on how every "fault" you see in your child is actually a strength if seen from another perspective, and list those strengths.

2. See it from her perspective.  Your child is not out to get you.  Your child is seeking to get his needs met as best he can.  If he's using strategies that don't work so well, maybe you can figure out how to help him meet those needs more constructively.  For instance:

• A child who's hitting a younger sibling is almost always acting out of fear that you don't love him as much. Aggression always derives from fear or pain.
• A child who's being difficult and cranky usually needs to cry in the safety of your arms.
• A child who's being obstinate usually needs more autonomy and opportunities to express her power in the world.
• A child who acts disrespectful needs more connection with you -- and possibly more respect from you.
• A child who's pushing you past your limits needs you to set a limit so he feels safe -- and to set it empathically so he feels understood at the same time.

3. Let him know how much you love him.  At bedtime, stroke his hair. List all the things you love about him.  Tell him how lucky you are to be his mom. 

After this, you should see an immediate difference in your relationship with your child.  If you feel yourself backsliding, just remember:  Stop, Drop (however you're about to respond) and Hug.

"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner, vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone?  My back is very grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad from time to time."
    --www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/

Everyone who loves also grieves. 

Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults.  As our children age, we lose them over and over.  And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.

Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead.  "You're old enough!"

But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs.  How can we avoid that?

I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life.  If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings. 

There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world.  I think there's a parallel here.

I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.

“The act of radical acceptance... requires us to go beyond what we thought were our limitations.  It requires us to embrace what may not be easy for us to accept ....Is there a way to change how we experience the hair-pulling challenges of mothering?  Can we truly alter our feelings in the midst of the supermarket trip from hell? …There is always another way to see the situation, a way that potentially offers greater peace, comfort, acceptance, and balance than our initial response.”
-- Bethany Casarjian, Ph.D. & Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.

Michele had had a hard day.  In fact, a hard week.  She was depleted, at the end of her rope. It was bedtime and she was putting three kids to bed. She left her three year old in his room reading quietly.  Then,
 
"I went into his room and I notice that he has pulled a picture of a bird out of his pop-up book and is standing on his bed trying to fasten it to the tree that's painted on his wall. My first reaction was just irritation and all I wanted to do was scream at him. Didn't he know that this was just the last thing I needed?! Wasn't he supposed to be reading?! Ugg! My second reaction was this. I calmly asked him to give me the bird. (tough) He did and I just took it along with the book and put it in the hall. When I came back he was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to do. I will freely admit that there are days when I would have yelled. I told him that I loved him and it was time for bed. We did our normal routine for bed with reading and saying good night without any strife." -- Michele

YES!! Go Michele!!

I admit that from my calm perspective reading this, Michele's kid doesn't look so naughty to me.  I'm tickled by his creativity in putting the bird in the tree. On a good day, I'd have helped him with the tape. (I figure kids need to be able to put things on at least one of their walls.  When they're 14, they can help us repaint them. And a mural of a tree is just waiting for a bird.)

But on a bad day, anything can push us over the edge.  We told him to read quietly and here he is standing up, destroying a book and the wall, breaking the rules, whatever.  We feel so put upon that we feel completely justified exploding at our kid.  We may even be able to admit that we're itching for a fight, just to let off all that tension, just to feel less victimized.

But yelling never solves the problem.  It's always bad for our child.  It always makes things worse. 

So next time you're in this situation, let Michele be your inspiration. Here are your five steps to avert a meltdown.

1. Stop. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that there is no emergency. You don't need to go into fight or flight mode. Your child is not the enemy and is not victimizing you.

3. Try to see the situation from your child's perspective. Have you ever noticed that when you look at a situation from the other person’s perspective your anger melts away?

4. Set any necessary limits with as much empathy as possible. Postpone any discipline.

5. Later, consider whether there are any changes you can make that would make things work better.  Start the bedtime routine earlier?  Make a rule about books, or walls, or standing up in bed? Go to sleep earlier yourself so you aren't so depleted tomorrow evening at bedtime?  Whatever, see if there is some positive action you can take to prevent a replay.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.