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-- The Buddha
Are you noticing how many negative thoughts go through your mind every day? That’s ok, that’s how humans are designed. The mind is supposed to notice everything that’s wrong, to keep us safe. The problem is that we believe everything we tell ourselves, and so much of it is negative. That’s why spiritual masters have always suggested that we learn to manage our minds. By noticing the chatter, we have some choices.
What does this have to do with parenting? Kids feel our positive or negative thoughts even when we don’t say a word. The more we can reframe negative thoughts into positive ones, the more we give ourselves, and our kids, the compassion we all need to thrive.
I have bad news.
We’ll never be perfect while we’re human.
But I have good news too.
We don’t have to be.
The only path to happiness is to love ourselves the way we are.
And the only path to being a really great parent
Is to love ourselves the way we are
So we can love our kids the way they are.
Nothing has to be different for you to love yourself completely.
What one thing can you do differently?
What are you waiting for?
I agreed that the scanners were a little temperamental, and said that I personally had found I had to discipline myself to move a bit more slowly than my norm. I’d learned that if I held the receipt in front of the scanner a moment longer than usual, it would scan.
“I don’t like to be told what to do by a machine,” the other cashier said. “I would rather just put all the numbers in by hand even though it’s more work.”
“I bet you don’t like to be told what to do by people, either!” I joked.
She looked at me with amusement. “You’re right! Who does?”
“No one,” I agreed. “But you might be over-reacting a wee bit, if you think the machine is telling you what to do. I’m betting you got pushed around some as a child?”
Now she was looking at me in amazement. “I certainly did. A lot. I had a very traditional upbringing. But how did you know?”
Now, there was no magic in my conclusion. Anyone who over-reacts so much that they think a machine is pushing them around has probably felt pushed around much earlier in life.
But the Aha Moment for me was when my co-cashier referred to it as a traditional upbringing.
The conventional advice given to parents is that kids need to learn who’s boss and be obedient to their parents. Unfortunately, that always creates power struggles. Kids who have to fight to assert their individuality and independence keep fighting later in life, even when it's not appropriate. Kids who are allowed to make appropriate decisions early in life -- "Do you want to wear the green shirt or the red shirt?" "Today is Saturday so you need to clean up your room. Do you want to do it before lunch or right after?" -- don't have to reflexively assert their own will, because they have been allowed to develop it throughout their childhood. Research shows that they are actually more cooperative with their parents, and also with their later coworkers and bosses.
If you talk to someone who doesn't like being "bossed" around, they can usually tell you stories about being bossed around by parents or caretakers early in life. Often, they rebel as soon as they get big enough not to be controlled physically, and the parents will tell you they "gave up" and let their headstrong kid make her own decisions. But if the parents had not over-controlled the kids as toddlers and preschoolers, those kids would be more cooperative right through adolescence and into adulthood.
So next time you find yourself getting into a power struggle with your child, STOP. That’s an old legacy you’re passing on, and it’s totally unnecessary. You can set limits without squashing your child’s will. If you need more info on this, do check out the positive discipline section of my website, for ideas on how to guide your child today for a healthy tomorrow.
Why are we focusing so much on gratitude? The sages say it’s the easiest path to joy. And joy is the easiest path to good parenting.
Today, soak in every blessing: Your child’s exuberance, a hot cup of coffee, the opportunity to be kind to someone, the promise of spring.
At bedtime, list ten things for which you’re grateful, large and small. Don’t go to sleep without going through this simple ritual. If you do it every night, it will change your life.
Guest Blog by Elizabeth Pantley
Checklist for Safe Co-Sleeping
On my radio show today (every Wednesday at noon ET at MyExpertSolution.com) I interviewed Elizabeth Pantley about her new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution: Guaranteed Gentle Ways to Solve All Your Naptime Problems. I think this may be her best book yet because it addresses the questions parents ask most often, like "How do I put my baby down awake so he learns to fall asleep in the crib, when he always falls asleep nursing?" and "My baby hates sleeping on her back, she always startles awake. What can I do?"
Elizabeth happened to mention her checklist for safe co-sleeping, and several listeners contacted me later to ask about it. I'm reprinting it here as a guest blog, but I also encourage you to check out Elizabeth's website, where she has a wealth of material like this. Here's her Checklist for Safe Co-Sleeping:
♦ Your bed must be absolutely safe for your baby. The best choice is to place the mattress on the floor, making sure there are no crevices that your baby can become wedged in. Make certain your mattress is flat, firm, and smooth. Do not allow your baby to sleep on a soft surface such as a waterbed, sofa, pillowtop mattress, beanbag chair, or any other flexible and yielding structure.
♦ Make certain that your fitted sheets stay secure and cannot be pulled loose.
♦ If your bed is raised off the floor, use mesh guardrails to
prevent baby from rolling off the bed, and be especially careful that
there is no space between the mattress and headboard or footboard.
(Some guardrails designed for older children are not safe for babies
because they have spaces that could entrap tiny bodies.)
If your bed is placed against a wall or against other furniture, check
every night to be sure there is no space between the mattress and wall
or furniture where baby could become stuck.
♦ An infant should be placed between his mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings, grandparents, and babysitters don't have the same instinctual awareness of a baby's location as do mothers. Mothers: Pay attention to your own sensitivity to baby. Your little one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement or noise — often even a sniff or snort is usually enough. If you find that you sleep so deeply that you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, seriously consider moving baby out of your bed, perhaps into a cradle or crib near your bedside.
♦ Use a large mattress to provide ample room and comfort for everyone.
♦ Consider a “sidecar” arrangement in which baby's crib or cradle sits directly beside the main bed.
♦ Make certain that the room your baby sleeps in, and any room he might have access to, is childproof. (Imagine your baby crawling out of bed as you sleep to explore the house. Even if he has not done this — yet — you can be certain he eventually will!)
♦ Do not ever sleep with your baby if you have been drinking alcohol, if you have used any drugs or medications, if you are an especially sound sleeper, or if you are suffering from sleep deprivation and find it difficult to wake.
♦ Do not sleep with your baby if you are a large person, as a parent's excess weight poses a proven risk to baby in a co-sleeping situation. I cannot give you a specific weight-to-baby ratio; simply examine how you and baby settle in next to each other. If baby rolls towards you, if there is a large dip in the mattress, or if you suspect any other dangerous situations, play it safe and move baby to a bedside crib or cradle.
♦ Remove all pillows and blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Dress baby and yourselves warmly for sleep. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an old turtleneck or t-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline, as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Keep in mind that body heat will add warmth during the night. Make sure your baby doesn't become overheated.
♦ Do not wear nightclothes with strings or long ribbons. Don't wear jewelry to bed, and if your hair is long, pin it up.
♦ Don't use strong-smelling perfumes or lotions that may affect your baby's delicate senses.
♦ Do not allow pets to sleep in bed with your baby.
♦ Never leave your baby alone in an adult bed unless that bed is perfectly safe for your baby, such as a firm mattress on the floor in a childproof room, and when you are nearby or listening in on baby with a reliable baby monitor.
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