Parenting Blog

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  -- Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place.

Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level.  Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally. 

Spending time reading to them might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer their deeper questions about whether they're loved and valued for who they are,

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this healing experiment.  Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.) This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

After a week or two of this, your child will be different. And so will you.

"No amount of 'parenting skills' can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, it’s very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how. Welcome to the work of parenting.  But it's where the rewards are, too." -- Dr. Laura Markham

We've almost completed the ten steps of Heal Our Ability to Love Unconditionally.  Step Eight is:

Deepen your connection to your child so you always see things from his or her point of view.  Your unconditional love will flower.

Loving our kids unconditionally means we accept and appreciate our child -- this separate, increasingly autonomous, immature, sometimes challenging person -- without needing to make him into someone other than who he is.  It means we SEE who he is, and love him in the way that he can best feel our love -- which is different for every child.

To do that, we need to see things from our child's point of view.  But to meet his long-term needs rather than just his immediate wants, we also have to provide appropriate parental leadership.  How do we do both? 

1. Cultivate deep connection.  If you stay deeply connected to your child, you'll automatically see things from her point of view.  Then all this becomes natural. Instead of having to bite your tongue when your daughter is rude, you'll feel her pain and know that something must be very wrong for her to be rude to you like this.  You'll know that your child doesn't take in your love when you say it in words, but feels deeply loved when you cuddle or hold her.

2. Stay connected when your child is upset.  Instead of giving your child the message that her strong emotions are too scary for you to handle by sending her away "to calm down," stay with her, and stay connected.  Let her rage or grieve.  Empathize and validate her feelings without adding to the drama by losing your own calm. We don't help our child by having a meltdown along with him. Our job is to empathize but provide a steady shore, not to flail in the water alongside him.

3. Make sure your child knows you're on his side.  That doesn't mean giving him everything he wants.  It means saying Yes whenever you can, and validating his feelings of unhappiness when you have to say No.  Children can accept not getting what they want in a given moment if they get something better -- complete acceptance and appreciation of who they are, including those sometimes difficult, messy emotions and desires.

Being close to your child takes work. But it's your child's emotional foundation. It's also the foundation of the close relationship you're hoping for once he's an adult. The rewards, at every step along the way, come from connection.

Loving unconditionally means it's not all about us. It's all about love.

"Only Connect." -- E.M Forster  

Have you noticed two recurring themes in these daily inspirations? 

The first theme is that when we feel good, we're better parents.  Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. That's why so many of these daily emails are about how to take better care of and manage ourselves.

The other theme is that parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and, frankly, parenting becomes an exhausting, thankless task.

Deepening our connection with our kids and keeping it strong as they grow is the work of parenting.  Of course kids need guidance, but that only sticks if the connection is there to support our teaching.  As our infants grow into toddlers and start to require limits, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting those limits?  Can we keep the connection solid as our child starts daycare or preschool?  As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations?  And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have a good enough connection with them so that we get rehired as consultants?

Welcome to the work of parenting.  Of course, that's where the rewards are, too.

On my radio show today (every Wednesday at noon ET at MyExpertSolution.com) I interviewed Elizabeth Pantley about her new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution: Guaranteed Gentle Ways to Solve All Your Naptime Problems. I think this may be her best book yet because it addresses the questions parents ask most often, like "How do I put my baby down awake so he learns to fall asleep in the crib, when he always falls asleep nursing?" and "My baby hates sleeping on her back, she always startles awake.  What can I do?"

Elizabeth happened to mention her checklist for safe co-sleeping, and several listeners contacted me later to ask about it.  I'm reprinting it here as a guest blog, but I also encourage you to check out Elizabeth's website, where she has a wealth of material like this.  Here's her Checklist for Safe Co-Sleeping:

♦  Your bed must be absolutely safe for your baby. The best choice is to place the mattress on the floor, making sure there are no crevices that your baby can become wedged in. Make certain your mattress is flat, firm, and smooth. Do not allow your baby to sleep on a soft surface such as a waterbed, sofa, pillowtop mattress, beanbag chair, or any other flexible and yielding structure. 

♦  Make certain that your fitted sheets stay secure and cannot be pulled loose. 

♦  If your bed is raised off the floor, use mesh guardrails to prevent baby from rolling off the bed, and be especially careful that there is no space between the mattress and headboard or footboard. (Some guardrails designed for older children are not safe for babies because they have spaces that could entrap tiny bodies.)
If your bed is placed against a wall or against other furniture, check every night to be sure there is no space between the mattress and wall or furniture where baby could become stuck.

♦  An infant should be placed between his mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings, grandparents, and babysitters don't have the same instinctual awareness of a baby's location as do mothers. Mothers: Pay attention to your own sensitivity to baby. Your little one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement or noise — often even a sniff or snort is usually enough. If you find that you sleep so deeply that you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, seriously consider moving baby out of your bed, perhaps into a cradle or crib near your bedside.

♦  Use a large mattress to provide ample room and comfort for everyone.

♦  Consider a “sidecar” arrangement in which baby's crib or cradle sits directly beside the main bed.

♦  Make certain that the room your baby sleeps in, and any room he might have access to, is childproof. (Imagine your baby crawling out of bed as you sleep to explore the house. Even if he has not done this — yet — you can be certain he eventually will!)

♦  Do not ever sleep with your baby if you have been drinking alcohol, if you have used any drugs or medications, if you are an especially sound sleeper, or if you are suffering from sleep deprivation and find it difficult to wake.

♦  Do not sleep with your baby if you are a large person, as a parent's excess weight poses a proven risk to baby in a co-sleeping situation. I cannot give you a specific weight-to-baby ratio; simply examine how you and baby settle in next to each other. If baby rolls towards you, if there is a large dip in the mattress, or if you suspect any other dangerous situations, play it safe and move baby to a bedside crib or cradle.

♦  Remove all pillows and blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Dress baby and yourselves warmly for sleep. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an old turtleneck or t-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline, as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Keep in mind that body heat will add warmth during the night. Make sure your baby doesn't become overheated.

♦  Do not wear nightclothes with strings or long ribbons. Don't wear jewelry to bed, and if your hair is long, pin it up.

♦  Don't use strong-smelling perfumes or lotions that may affect your baby's delicate senses.

♦  Do not allow pets to sleep in bed with your baby.

♦  Never leave your baby alone in an adult bed unless that bed is perfectly safe for your baby, such as a firm mattress on the floor in a childproof room, and when you are nearby or listening in on baby with a reliable baby monitor.