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“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born. At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.” Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie
What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings. He showed her these feelings by hitting her. She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it. That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger. It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded. The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer. He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.
Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.
When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you.
This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids. They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through. Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling. Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem. Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.
But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did? He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go. You might say:
"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry. Everyone is sad sometimes. I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."
Or "All of a sudden you seem angry. You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok. Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad."
Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings. If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me. Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you. You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him, You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are. Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.
After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!
"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir
Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit. If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place.
Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level. Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally.
Spending time reading to them might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer their deeper questions about whether they're loved and valued for who they are,
If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this healing experiment. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling. Revel in touching your child. Don't structure this time. Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.
If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures. Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.) This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.
After a week or two of this, your child will be different. And so will you.
"The importance of the parent-child relationship is above everything else in parenting. If you work on that relationship, over behavior, that will win in the end. You may not get the behavior in the short term but in the long term it's that bond that keeps kids safe and emotionally healthy." -- Judy Arnall
I'm not a good listener by nature. In fact, I'm impatient. When I started my training as a psychologist, I had to work hard to keep my own mouth shut so I could really hear what my client was telling me. Often, the most important information came out camouflaged, between other comments. We all do that when we share our most vulnerable feelings.
Kids are no different. The feelings they're having a hard time handling pour out as what we usually consider bad behavior. That tantrum my son had in front of the relatives at age three? He felt I had betrayed him by not listening to his needs, doing instead what was socially acceptable. (He was right.) That time when she was twelve and started screaming at me? She was all tangled up inside and trying to tell me about it, and I was too distracted to listen.
If we're lucky, our kids give us a second chance to listen -- by losing it! If we respond by shutting them down -- yelling, punishing, giving a timeout, sending them to their room to "calm down," even demanding respect in that delicate moment -- we give them the clear message that they're on their own with those scary feelings. If, instead, we can train ourselves to pay attention to "bad" behavior as a red flag, we:
1. Model self control and anger management (and we all know kids learn from what we do, not what we say.)
2. Help them develop emotional intelligence so they learn how to handle their own feelings.
3. Strengthen our bond with our child by showing up to help them when they most need us.
4. Give them the tools they need to minimize these kinds of upsets as they get older.
5. Earn their respect, so they're more likely to be respectful to us in the future.
Why not try it? Next time your child signals distress by raising her voice, just stop. Drop everything else. Take a deep breath, and listen, staying as calm as you can. Remind yourself not to take this personally. Try to see it from her perspective and empathize. Later, when everyone's calmed down, you'll find your child completely amenable when you make a gentle suggestion about the respectful tone you expect to be used in your house (or whatever other expectation you need to set.)
By the time your kid's a teen, he'll amaze others with his emotional stability. He'll even amaze you, by intervening in a nurturing voice to help you calm down when YOU lose it. In a teenager, that's what I call a miracle.
"Here, in this over-privileged country, are children so over-scheduled that they hardly know what it is to daydream, so institutionalized that they rarely know the contentment of surrendering to the arms of someone they can depend upon absolutely -- for whom nothing is more important than giving them the love they need." -- Anne R. Pierce
Do you feel sometimes like you have to be a super-parent? So often we feel pressure to prove we’re good parents by bringing perfectly decorated cupcakes to the class party, having a perfectly organized house, or rushing to get an impressive dinner on the table every night. These may be rewarding tasks, but they have nothing to do with parenting, since your kids would rather have scrambled eggs and raw carrots for dinner if that kept you in a better mood. But even if we rise above that pressure, there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t felt the urge to enroll her kid in one more activity "to help him develop his potential."
But kids actually suffer when they're overloaded with organized activities. What they need most is time to explore their imaginations and their environments -- and time with you. Does that sound like work? I think it's the opposite of work because it's all internal -- more of an attitude you commit to.
The patience to listen, the big-heartedness to see it from their side, the self-discipline to not take your bad mood out on your child, the willingness to embrace your child's full emotional life while helping her make wise choices about her actions, the motivation to keep doing this every day when no one else really understands what it takes out of you.
Great parents actually don't "work" hard; they just show up. They give up on perfection and nurture themselves so they have something to give their kids. They courageously let go of doing what looks good and start doing what feels right. They shut out the interrupting world and create sanctuary. They sit on the couch whenever possible, and focus on the invisible tasks of parenting:
Creating engrossing dinner table conversation...Reflecting
their kids’ feelings...Tummy time with the baby...Floor time with the
toddler...Bedtime snuggles with the elementary schooler...Couch time
with the tween...Walks with the teen...Family game night...Helping kids
think about the world and explore their emerging passions... Supporting
kids in solving their own problems...Tickle battles...Star-gazing...
"Last
night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and
exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through
my mind...something that I could say or do to stop the course of events
or change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of
your daily inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise
to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said,
“It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I
picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and
squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and
all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both
had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about
trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you
have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it
is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today
was a tough day wasn’t it? Tomorrow we will have a better
day, OK?” He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we
continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love,
like we had never had such a disastrous evening." -- Kristina
We've all had those moments with our child. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.
Later, we're often overcome with remorse. But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?
The
answer is that if we can feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn
things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how. We can
just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child
and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're
on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.
When things have gone too far, just stop.
1.Breathe.
2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control. Hug your imperfect self.
3. Reach out for your child.
In the end, it is always about love.
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