Parenting Blog

”Why would you want to spank someone you’re having a real relationship with?”
-- Adele Faber

Kids are only human.  And no matter how old they get, we occupy a larger-than-life place in their worlds.  Whether they can admit it or not, what we think of them matters tremendously.  And we have the power to push their buttons like no one else. (Think about your relationship with your own parents.)

If you look deep enough, you'll see that all your kids' misbehavior comes from unmet needs.  Maybe they need more sleep.  Or to know that you still love them despite that new baby.  Or that when you got divorced it wasn't their fault.  You don't really even have to know why.  Just remember that even in their misbehavior they're leaning out for love.

Want your kids to "behave"?  Use the most potent motivator you have:  your relationship.  Don't squander that power with spankings and yelling. 

"Only Connect." -- E.M Forster  

Have you noticed two recurring themes in these daily inspirations? 

The first theme is that when we feel good, we're better parents.  Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. That's why so many of these daily emails are about how to take better care of and manage ourselves.

The other theme is that parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and, frankly, parenting becomes an exhausting, thankless task.

Deepening our connection with our kids and keeping it strong as they grow is the work of parenting.  Of course kids need guidance, but that only sticks if the connection is there to support our teaching.  As our infants grow into toddlers and start to require limits, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting those limits?  Can we keep the connection solid as our child starts daycare or preschool?  As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations?  And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have a good enough connection with them so that we get rehired as consultants?

Welcome to the work of parenting.  Of course, that's where the rewards are, too.

"An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart."  -- David Augsburger

Deep listening means listening beyond the words.  Listening with the heart as well as the ears.

We can't do that kind of listening with a closed heart.  Or a racing, sleep-deprived, or worried mind.  We have to take care of ourselves if we want to show up for our kids.

You've probably noticed how different your child is when you listen with your heart as well as your ears.  What do you need to do for yourself today so that you can really listen to your child?  Every time you speak with your child today, can you bring your deepest and most respectful quality of listening?

“Raising children, for me, was really about listening. I put myself in their shoes for a minute and really tried to imagine myself at that age. I always want my children to know that they’re heard.” — Kyra Sedgwick

Want your kids to listen to you?  As in, listen to your guidance, and do what you tell them?

If you just give commands, you have to keep escalating to get your child's attention.  And when you aren't in the room, who knows what they'll do?  Research shows that the parents who have the most influence on their kids are the ones who listen.  Their kids feel heard, understood, appreciated.  In return, they're more likely to understand and appreciate their parents' point of view.

Becoming a good listener is a skill that takes practice.  The first exercise is closing the mouth.  Is it a coincidence that the letters in the word “LISTEN” also can be used to spell “SILENT”?

My Aha Parenting moment this week relates to the movie Coraline.  By now, you probably know that the movie is about a young girl who moves into a new house.  Her parents, both writers, work at home. They’re on deadline and too busy to pay attention to her, fill the fridge, or help her unpack and set up her room.  Bored and irritable, Coraline finds a door into a mirror world with an identical but more attentive Other Mother and Father who lavish affection on her, cook for her, and arrange dazzling entertainments. 

The only problem?  Eerily, they have buttons for eyes, and want to replace her eyes with buttons too.  In other words, be careful what you wish for, and the grass isn’t always greener.

I read the book years ago with my then eight year old and felt that it was a good, haunting, tale, but too scary for an 8 year old.  I thought the movie was brilliant, a bit less scary, although still much too frightening for preschoolers.  I appreciated that its depiction of the parents as neglectful seemed to be reminding parents not to take their children for granted.

My aha moment came when I started reading about the movie online.  One writer who works at home – and shall remain nameless -- wrote:

“While we were walking out to the car after the movie, I asked my son and daughter what they thought the movie’s message was. 'You should be thankful for what you’ve got,' my daughter said assuredly, slipping her arm around my waist.  My son agreed, saying that the Other so-called 'perfect' world was a trap, but then offered this observation: 'You’re like the first mother because you’re always working and can never play with us.' When his sister gave him a stern, chastising look, he acknowledged, 'You do nice things occasionally.'  Well, occasionally’s not too bad. When they inevitably start crabbing about me not playing with them when I’m working, or baking them cookies, I can always remind them of how things wouldn’t necessarily be better with an on-the-surface perfect Other Mother.”

I have to admit that I was stunned.  This depiction of neglectful parenting was being used to justify this mom’s being too busy for her kids?  Occasionally being nice to her kids was good enough for her?

Now, I work at home too.  I know it’s hard to juggle work with kids’ needs. I know parents have needs too, and there are no perfect parents.  And I certainly didn’t think that Coraline’s parents were the worst parents I’ve ever seen. But there’s no question that they weren’t meeting her needs. They’re too busy even to keep food in the fridge.  All of us have been there, but once you have kids, the priority you put on that changes. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but that doesn’t excuse giving our kids the message that they’re a burden to us, not worthy of our time or attention.

And yet this mom’s take on the movie, instead of seeing how she was impacting her kids and vowing to make some changes, was that her kids should be more appreciative.  In fact, her entire post was about how her kids bug her so much! She used the movie to justify her own perspective rather than understanding her kids’ needs.  

My aha?  It’s not about this mom.  She’s just expressing what our society takes for granted.  Our culture has completely twisted the parent-child relationship.  Instead of realizing that WE chose to bring our child into the world and it is our obligation to meet their physical and emotional needs, we give our kids the message that they’re too much trouble, that they get in the way of our real work.

Seems to me that if our kids have become bothersome speed bumps on the freeway of life, we need to wake up and pull off the road before we really hurt somebody.