Parenting Blog

"I am a recovering perfectionist.  Before, I experienced that I and everyone else was always falling short, that who we were and what we did was never quite good enough.  I sat in judgment on life itself.  Perfectionism is the belief that life is broken...Wholeness lies beyond perfection. The life within us is diminished by judgment...." -- Dr. Naomi Remen

I first went to therapy as a young woman because I hoped it would make me perfect. Even once I learned that wasn't possible, I still aimed for perfection, figuring that falling short would at least get me closer to perfection.  Secretly, I thought that only by being perfect would I be good enough to be lovable.

It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized perfectionism is always the enemy of love. By definition, perfectionism is judging ourselves, our loved ones, and life as not good enough.  We reject the present moment --  peanut butter hands, tear-stained face and all -- in favor of some idealized image which can never be real, always holding ourselves back from really loving. (Because how can you love while you're judging?)  We think once we lose weight, our child gets through this phase, and our spouse gets a raise, our real life will start.  But as John Lennon once said, Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

So if you're trying to be a perfect parent and raise perfect kids, imagine going through childhood with a mother who thinks you aren't good enough.

Ready to renounce perfection?  Remind yourself, like a mantra: "I are more than enough, just the way I am."

When your child (shockingly!) turns out not to be perfect, say "That's ok, honey. You don't have to be perfect. Nobody's perfect, not even grownups. You are more than enough, just the way you are. You are such a gift to me, and to the world, just the way you are, and I love you so much, no matter what."

You might find that in the midst of imperfection, life feels a whole lot more perfect.

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

"Last night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through my mind...something that I could say or do to stop the course of events or change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of your daily inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said, “It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today was a tough day wasn’t it?  Tomorrow we will have a better day, OK?”  He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love, like we had never had such a disastrous evening." -- Kristina

We've all had those moments with our child.  When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Later, we're often overcome with remorse.  But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

The answer is that if we can feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how.  We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just stop. 

1.Breathe. 

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control.  Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love.

"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." -- Thaddeus Golas

Today we're wrapping up our exploration of 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010.  The 10th commitment:

Keep Perspective.

I know, it's easier said than done. It's simply impossible to see the larger landscape when we're down in the swamps. And every parents finds him or herself in the swamp sometimes.

But if we can just step back, we realize that things are actually hopeful. Start with the fact that you have this child, while there are people all over the world yearning for a child -- or, worse yet, for one they've lost. Notice how you've been transformed into a more loving, patient, responsible, joyful person just by being their parent.  Then consider the sheer joy and aliveness your child brings into your life.

Parents have always wondered how such immature creatures could grow up right.  As Socrates said,"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." But kids have an uncanny way of surviving all odds and coming out ok, most of the time. As long as you and your child are both alive, it's never too late to heal and grow together.

How can you remember all this when you're in the swamp?

1. Resolve to use every upset as a trigger, a reminder to shift gears. Repeat a mantra that reminds you of what's important, breathe deeply to calm yourself, or just take a timeout to calm down.  In the beginning, you'll be interrupting your tantrum mid-yell. That's ok.  Stop and leave the room. Soon you'll be able to course correct before you open your mouth.
 
2. Find sustainable ways to stay centered.  Exercise, meditation, writing in a journal -- whatever works for you. Do it every day, like brushing your teeth, and for the same reason (It keeps you healthy. And without it, the world doesn't see the best of you.)

3. Consciously wean yourself off stress and delete it from your life.  Stress is not necessary; it's an addiction.  Miserable for your family, shortens your life, makes you fat, and it's impossible to be an inspired parent when you're stressed.

4. Fake it till you make it. Research shows that when we smile, our mood improves. When we speak in a loving voice, we begin to feel more tender. Our child responds to our patience with affection, and before we know it, we're out of the swamp.

5. Remember that it's all small stuff. In the long run, only love matters.

Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families.  But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives.

The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.  But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. 

Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.

“If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."
-- Diane Loomans

Today we're exploring the 8th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010:

Commit to focusing on what’s important.

It's easy to find fault with our kids. That's because they're human, but it's also because they're immature, by definition. If we wanted, we could spend all day carping at them. In fact, studies show that most of what parents say to kids is corrective, rather than connective.

But because our kids so desperately need our energy (which for them translates as interest, or a guarantee that we won't abandon them), every time we give them energy, they repeat the behavior that elicited the interaction. Even if it's negative!

What's more, every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital and hardens your child's heart to you just a little bit. Which means you have less and less influence over your kid's behavior, since she doesn't care as much about pleasing you.

Life is too short to spend it struggling with your child.  Why not do more hugging and less tugging? It's better for both of you.  Your kid will still come out okay -- in fact, better!  How?

• Focus on what matters and choose your battles, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over.
• Be overtly grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.


• Maintain a ten to one ratio of positive to negative interactions with your child. Minimum.
• Remember, they're acting like kids because they ARE kids. You weren't perfect, either, I'm betting -- and you came out ok, right?
• Stay positive. Celebrate every step in the right direction, and your child will want to take more of those steps.
• When in doubt, choose love. Love never fails.