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"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The
cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner,
vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone? My back is very
grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad
from time to time."
--www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/
Everyone who loves also grieves.
Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults. As our children age, we lose them over and over. And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.
Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead. "You're old enough!"
But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs. How can we avoid that?
I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life. If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings.
There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world. I think there's a parallel here.
I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.
"Being grandparents sufficiently removes us from the responsibilities so that we can be friends." -- Allan Frome
"If I had known how
wonderful it would be to have
grandchildren, I'd have had them first." Lois Wyse
Your parents may not have been perfect. In fact, since they
were a product of their times, not to mention human, I'm sure they
weren't. But many not-so-great parents become very good grandparents.
Why?
Grandparents have some privileges parents don't. In
addition, life experience has given them some valuable gifts. As
parents, we can learn a lot from them. For instance:
1. They don’t feel responsible and berate
themselves for everything the child does.
When you think
about it, we're better parents if we can resist this tendency ourselves.
Wouldn't you be happier (and a more inspired mom or dad) if you could
relax about whether you're a good enough parent?
2. They get a break to replenish their own cups. Obviously we can't give our kids to someone else and go home without them. But we can find ways to take time for ourselves so we have something to give our kids. If we don't, it's pretty challenging to be an inspired parent.
3. They don't undermine a close relationship by punishing. Sure, you need to set limits, as in "We don't hit in this family" or "It's time for bed." But punishment of any kind (including "consequences" and "timeouts") always sabotages your relationship with your child and makes it more likely that he'll misbehave.
4. They have more emotional maturity and have learned something about what really matters in life. Often, grandparents have the maturity to let a child win an argument when a parent would need to prove she's right. Grandparents are usually better listeners. Quite simply, grandparents are short on criticism and long on love.
5. They have learned that kids do grow up and become solid citizens. They've learned through tough experience that kids go through challenging phases and come out ok, so they can keep a sense of humor about the child's foibles.
6. They know how quickly childhood passes. So they want kids on their laps as long as possible, they don't tell a child to stop acting like a baby, and they would never turn down a tea party invitation to wash dishes. In fact, after the tea party they find a way to make washing the dishes fun and get the grandchild involved.
7. They know what a treasure each child is. So they're more likely to appreciate the unique gifts of each child and be understanding about the challenges each child brings into the world.
8. They know you don’t get another chance. Most parents of grown children look back with some regrets. They know you don't get a "do-over." They show up now.
9. They know life is short. Grandparents
have seen their share of both sadness and joy. They know that
sometimes all we can do is grieve together, and the rest of the time,
why not seize every opportunity to revel in being alive?
10. They never run out of hugs and cookies. Life is tough, and we all need to be able to count on the sweetness of someone who wants nothing more from this moment than to sit and listen to us talk. Grandparents know what a gift that is -- and they love giving it as much as the child loves receiving it.
I know not all grandparents can reach this ideal. They're human too, after all. But shouldn't we take the opportunity to learn what we can from it? There's a Welsh proverb that says "Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild." I say, Why wait?
"Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing. Be there completely. While doing this, you’ll find that you naturally enjoy those seemingly tedious tasks much more (like washing the dishes). It’s amazing how much non-resistance and presence changes everything.” -- Zen Habits
Most of us find it tedious to change yet another diaper, make yet another snack, be patient one more time. Sometimes it feels like parenting traps us in a cycle of wearying repetitive tasks.
But there’s a secret to transforming tedium into joy: Being fully present.
If we’re only half there, it often feels tedious to meet our child’s needs. If we’re thinking about that phone call we need to make, checking our email, worrying about whether our child is on the right track, or cataloging our partner’s failures, then the care-taking tasks of parenting will always feel tedious.
What’s more, our kids will always be demanding more, more, more – because what they’re experiencing is that we aren’t all there.
But being with kids is only boring when we resist it. When we bring ourselves into each present moment of experience with our children, we find it brimming with life. The creative possibilities are endless. It's our resistance that's the burden, not our kids.
How?
1. Show up. Turn off the TV, radio, computer and cell phone. Let the house phone pick up. The world will wait.
2. Find a way to make it fun. Whether it's broccoli or bath time, it doesn't have to be boring. There is nothing we do with kids that can't be made into a game. Play is what brings us alive.
3. Connect. Forget about structured activity; just snuggle and chat and play "baby games." When we really connect with our kids, we're filling their cups -- and it energizes us, as well.
4. Get everyone into the act. Tired of doing all the work? Make the chore into a game in which everyone has a part. It may not get done faster, but it will certainly be more fun. Everyone in the house feeling sluggish? Put on music and sing and dance while you work. Or take a break for a quick game of "Steal each others' socks."
5. Not feeling energized? Fill your own cup first. Tell the kids you need ten minutes and then you're all theirs. Find something you can do for ten minutes that will energize you, whether it's lingering over a cup of tea or calling a friend.
In three weeks, you won't remember whether you got that laundry folded or had scrambled eggs for dinner. But you will certainly reap the benefits of a family that loves hanging out together.
"Here, in this over-privileged country, are children so over-scheduled that they hardly know what it is to daydream, so institutionalized that they rarely know the contentment of surrendering to the arms of someone they can depend upon absolutely -- for whom nothing is more important than giving them the love they need." -- Anne R. Pierce
Do you feel sometimes like you have to be a super-parent? So often we feel pressure to prove we’re good parents by bringing perfectly decorated cupcakes to the class party, having a perfectly organized house, or rushing to get an impressive dinner on the table every night. These may be rewarding tasks, but they have nothing to do with parenting, since your kids would rather have scrambled eggs and raw carrots for dinner if that kept you in a better mood. But even if we rise above that pressure, there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t felt the urge to enroll her kid in one more activity "to help him develop his potential."
But kids actually suffer when they're overloaded with organized activities. What they need most is time to explore their imaginations and their environments -- and time with you. Does that sound like work? I think it's the opposite of work because it's all internal -- more of an attitude you commit to.
The patience to listen, the big-heartedness to see it from their side, the self-discipline to not take your bad mood out on your child, the willingness to embrace your child's full emotional life while helping her make wise choices about her actions, the motivation to keep doing this every day when no one else really understands what it takes out of you.
Great parents actually don't "work" hard; they just show up. They give up on perfection and nurture themselves so they have something to give their kids. They courageously let go of doing what looks good and start doing what feels right. They shut out the interrupting world and create sanctuary. They sit on the couch whenever possible, and focus on the invisible tasks of parenting:
Creating engrossing dinner table conversation...Reflecting
their kids’ feelings...Tummy time with the baby...Floor time with the
toddler...Bedtime snuggles with the elementary schooler...Couch time
with the tween...Walks with the teen...Family game night...Helping kids
think about the world and explore their emerging passions... Supporting
kids in solving their own problems...Tickle battles...Star-gazing...
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