Parenting Blog

"Here, in this over-privileged country, are children so over-scheduled that they hardly know what it is to daydream, so institutionalized that they rarely know the contentment of surrendering to the arms of someone they can depend upon absolutely -- for whom nothing is more important than giving them the love they need." -- Anne R. Pierce

Do you feel sometimes like you have to be a super-parent? So often we feel pressure to prove we’re good parents by bringing perfectly decorated cupcakes to the class party, having a perfectly organized house, or rushing to get an impressive dinner on the table every night. These may be rewarding tasks, but they have nothing to do with parenting, since your kids would rather have scrambled eggs and raw carrots for dinner if that kept you in a better mood. But even if we rise above that pressure, there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t felt the urge to enroll her kid in one more activity "to help him develop his potential."

But kids actually suffer when they're overloaded with organized activities. What they need most is time to explore their imaginations and their environments -- and time with you. Does that sound like work?  I think it's the opposite of work because it's all internal -- more of an attitude you commit to.

The patience to listen, the big-heartedness to see it from their side, the self-discipline to not take your bad mood out on your child, the willingness to embrace your child's full emotional life while helping her make wise choices about her actions, the motivation to keep doing this every day when no one else really understands what it takes out of you.

Great parents actually don't "work" hard; they just show up. They give up on perfection and nurture themselves so they have something to give their kids. They courageously let go of doing what looks good and start doing what feels right. They shut out the interrupting world and create sanctuary.  They sit on the couch whenever possible, and focus on the invisible tasks of parenting:

Creating engrossing dinner table conversation...Reflecting their kids’ feelings...Tummy time with the baby...Floor time with the toddler...Bedtime snuggles with the elementary schooler...Couch time with the tween...Walks with the teen...Family game night...Helping kids think about the world and explore their emerging passions... Supporting kids in solving their own problems...Tickle battles...Star-gazing...Listening.... Laughing...Lighting candles...Connecting....Making miracles.

"The most important parenting skill is effective communication. If you can effectively communicate with your child, you can move mountains -- or at least get them to clean their room on a regular basis."
-- Denise Witmer

It's no surprise that kids often feel rebellious toward their parents. Research shows the average parent gives hundreds of orders every day, most in a negative tone.  How would you react to that?

To get your child cooperating, try giving fewer orders and remove the negative judgments that trigger resistance.  Instead, try to keep it calm and kind. Offer observations. Ask questions. Give choices. State the house rule. Help your child take responsibility to solve the problem, with your support.
 
 Instead of:                                                                       Try:
 
 "Leave the cat alone!"  ..... "I notice the cat runs away when you pull her tail."
 "Clean up those toys." ....."Do you want to clean up your toys now or after lunch?"
 "Brush your teeth."  ......."What do you need to do before you leave for school?"
 "Go take your bath." ........ "It's bath time. Want to go now or in 5 minutes?"
 "Empty the dishwasher."....."I need your help--Would you empty the dishwasher please? "
 "Finish your homework first."....."The rule is, we finish homework before we play."
"Stop squabbling this instant!"..... "I see two kids and only one toy. How will you work this out?"

Of course, if it really is an order, and it's non-negotiable, just say it, without blame, and with empathy for the child's feelings:  "You're mad, but we don't hit.  Let's tell your brother how mad you are that he knocked over your tower. And then can we all repair it together?"

Your child will hear the difference.  And you'll see a world of difference in the response.

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.

“If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."
-- Diane Loomans

Today we're exploring the 8th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010:

Commit to focusing on what’s important.

It's easy to find fault with our kids. That's because they're human, but it's also because they're immature, by definition. If we wanted, we could spend all day carping at them. In fact, studies show that most of what parents say to kids is corrective, rather than connective.

But because our kids so desperately need our energy (which for them translates as interest, or a guarantee that we won't abandon them), every time we give them energy, they repeat the behavior that elicited the interaction. Even if it's negative!

What's more, every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital and hardens your child's heart to you just a little bit. Which means you have less and less influence over your kid's behavior, since she doesn't care as much about pleasing you.

Life is too short to spend it struggling with your child.  Why not do more hugging and less tugging? It's better for both of you.  Your kid will still come out okay -- in fact, better!  How?

• Focus on what matters and choose your battles, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over.
• Be overtly grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.


• Maintain a ten to one ratio of positive to negative interactions with your child. Minimum.
• Remember, they're acting like kids because they ARE kids. You weren't perfect, either, I'm betting -- and you came out ok, right?
• Stay positive. Celebrate every step in the right direction, and your child will want to take more of those steps.
• When in doubt, choose love. Love never fails.

“Commanding the pressures of this life begins with understanding that the stress we feel is first an inside job. In and of itself, there is no such thing as a "pressurized" moment… any pressure we come to feel in any given moment is the unhappy effect of.. of some hidden agent within us acting on the ordinarily free-flowing content of each of these moments." -- Guy Finley

December has a way of overwhelming us.  Even if we love the holidays, there are always extra tasks that increase our anxiety. In addition to the stresses that affect everyone else, those of us with kids find ourselves juggling school holiday events, agonizing over teacher and nanny gifts, negotiating gift demands from children who've been bombarded with too many TV ads...

How to cope?  Realize that the pressure actually starts inside you. We all want to redeem ourselves as parents by giving our children perfect holidays. And the media frenzy creates a perfect storm of high expectations that can only lead to meltdowns all around.

A picture-perfect holiday is impossible, of course. And the pressure to make one undermines what our kids really need from us. Which is?  Yes, you guessed it.  A relaxed, loving parent who makes time every evening to snuggle and look at the holiday lights, and spends a weekend afternoon helping the kids make presents. Who communicates the deeper meaning of the holiday by giving kids simple family traditions, and sets limits on the commercialism that leaves kids feeling unfulfilled (for the most impact, ban TV for the month),

Are you wondering how you could possibly find time for those snuggles and present-making sessions? There's only one way.  Give up something else.

My house is even messier than usual over the holidays. My extended family long ago got used to my gifts, which are limited to homemade (with the kids, of course) cookies and a donation in their names. Teachers get cookies and appreciative notes.  I give presents to my nieces and nephews, of course, but most of those are ordered online.  I haven't been to a mall in years.

Your choices might be different. But I encourage you to think about the memories your kids are shaping this December, not of the holiday, but of you.  When they look back, will they describe a parent who communicated the spirit of the season with laughter, warm embraces, gracious patience? 

What could you do to make it easy for you to be that parent?