Parenting Blog

"No amount of 'parenting skills' can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, it’s very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how. Welcome to the work of parenting.  But it's where the rewards are, too." -- Dr. Laura Markham

We've almost completed the ten steps of Heal Our Ability to Love Unconditionally.  Step Eight is:

Deepen your connection to your child so you always see things from his or her point of view.  Your unconditional love will flower.

Loving our kids unconditionally means we accept and appreciate our child -- this separate, increasingly autonomous, immature, sometimes challenging person -- without needing to make him into someone other than who he is.  It means we SEE who he is, and love him in the way that he can best feel our love -- which is different for every child.

To do that, we need to see things from our child's point of view.  But to meet his long-term needs rather than just his immediate wants, we also have to provide appropriate parental leadership.  How do we do both? 

1. Cultivate deep connection.  If you stay deeply connected to your child, you'll automatically see things from her point of view.  Then all this becomes natural. Instead of having to bite your tongue when your daughter is rude, you'll feel her pain and know that something must be very wrong for her to be rude to you like this.  You'll know that your child doesn't take in your love when you say it in words, but feels deeply loved when you cuddle or hold her.

2. Stay connected when your child is upset.  Instead of giving your child the message that her strong emotions are too scary for you to handle by sending her away "to calm down," stay with her, and stay connected.  Let her rage or grieve.  Empathize and validate her feelings without adding to the drama by losing your own calm. We don't help our child by having a meltdown along with him. Our job is to empathize but provide a steady shore, not to flail in the water alongside him.

3. Make sure your child knows you're on his side.  That doesn't mean giving him everything he wants.  It means saying Yes whenever you can, and validating his feelings of unhappiness when you have to say No.  Children can accept not getting what they want in a given moment if they get something better -- complete acceptance and appreciation of who they are, including those sometimes difficult, messy emotions and desires.

Being close to your child takes work. But it's your child's emotional foundation. It's also the foundation of the close relationship you're hoping for once he's an adult. The rewards, at every step along the way, come from connection.

Loving unconditionally means it's not all about us. It's all about love.

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." -- Guy Finley

Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems?  Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice.  But even eight year olds like to think they can solve their own problems.

And they can. Especially if they have a parent with a warm heart who's willing to really listen, and simply reflect what they say.  "Hmm...So you got pretty mad, huh? ...Sounds like you're considering giving him a piece of your mind.....But you think that might make things worse?...You're wondering if it might be better to....."

Before you know it, your kid gives you a quick hug and dashes out the door.  With lots of confidence in his ability to sort out his own life.  What a wonderful parent!  And what a lucky kid.

"You will always be your child's favorite toy."  -- Vicki Lansky

Anyone at your house a bit bored this summer?  I hope so.  If not, your kids may be over-scheduled or spending too much time being entertained by electronics.  All kids deserve the experience of a lazy summer afternoon empty of obligation and full of possibility. 

But if your kids just can't seem to find a way to occupy themselves without resorting to technology, consider offering them an hour with the guaranteed favorite toy of any child under the age of 12:  A parent. 

The fun, attentive presence of a parent always fills kids' deeper hungers.  Often you can use that time to get your child interested in a project that will occupy them for hours.  But even if you just use that hour to read in a hammock or play in the sprinkler, you'll find your child is a lot happier and able to engage himself for the rest of the day. 

The silver lining? You'll probably find you're happier, too.

"Currently, a fantastic evening for me is crashing into my son’s bath with my clothes on, chasing him around the house with a diaper on my aqua blue bubble bath covered head, cooking cheap crappy pizza (side of green beans too, don’t worry), and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to him.  Pretty much all the same stuff I did when I was single, just now I do it with my son instead of my date. I used to run around the world looking for the exact thing I now have sitting in ... my home. " -- Mark Holder

If you're like me, you have a long "To Do" list, and at the end of the day you never feel like you've accomplished enough.  This is your official reminder that your In Box will never be empty, but your children will grow up.  Sooner than you think, you will be the last person they'll want to spend time with.

If your kids are still young enough to want your time in the evening, why not give it to them in a whole-hearted way?  Why not turn off the computer and leave the clothes unfolded? (Kids can wear them wrinkled right out of the laundry basket, right?)  Why not chase them around the house with a diaper on your head, and roar at them like a tiger?  Why not have an extra long story hour tonight?

Playing with your kids isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.  Kids thrive on that juicy energy; it strengthens your relationship with them.  And what better way to get cooperation than making your routine into a game?

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." -- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Daily life blurs by so fast that sometimes it's only when we step outside it for a vacation that we realize just how fast our children are growing up.  That happened for me last week on a family bike trip.  Our son, now 18 and leaving for college in the fall, was our leader and navigator.  Our daughter, who celebrated her 14th birthday on the trip, proved a more capable rider than I was.  At dinner, I would listen to their spirited conversation and somehow see their three year old selves twinkling inside the funny, good-natured teens they've become. How did this happen?

It's a cliche because it's true: Children grow up fast.  Here we are, just trying to get dinner on the table and buy another pair of shoes to replace the ones they've outgrown, and our kids are rapidly becoming who they'll be for the rest of their lives.

The worst part is that our job is basically done by the time they're teens. It's never too late to improve things with our kids, but who they are and how much influence we have on them depends mostly on how we've related to them in the first decade of their lives, and primarily the first five years.

I wish someone had told me when my toddlers were being difficult that everything I did, every word I said, was helping shape them... and how short that opportunity was. I would have done some things differently.

And you? Anything you want to do differently before your child gets any older?