Parenting Blog

“You can complain because roses have thorns; or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”—Ziggy

"The opposite of complaining is gratitude. We should talk about things we are thankful for rather than things we are unhappy about. Our minds are like steering wheels, they take us in the direction we point them. If we focus on negative things, we will notice and attract more negative things in our life. If we focus on positive things, we will move in the direction of greater happiness and more success." - AComplaintFreeWorld.org

Research shows that when we listen to complaints of any kind, we get demoralized.  Whether we're making the complaints or listening to them, our minds start on a cycle of negative thinking.

So why do we complain?

Sometimes to get attention or connect with others by commiserating.  Sometimes to avoid taking responsibility for something: It's not OUR fault!  Sometimes simply because it's the story we tell about our lives.  "You won't believe how awful my day (week, year, life) was."

Parents and kids often complain as a way to lobby each other to behave differently.  With parents, it could be called nagging.  "I can't believe you left your jacket on the floor again!"  With kids, it's an attempt to elicit parental intervention of some sort:  "He's picking on me!" or "All the other kids' parents let them!"

Challenge your family to live this week complaint-free.  Put a jar on your counter.  Every time anyone complains, that person has to put a quarter in the jar, and express gratitude in place of the complaint. 

"Not chicken again!" might become "I am so grateful we get to have a healthy, hearty dinner and that Mom cooked it for us!" 

"I hate picking up the clothes you kids leave on the floor" might become "Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.  I'm so glad that you kids will have all these clothes picked up first so I can serve everyone dessert after dinner, right?  I love that everyone in this family is learning to clean up his own messes."

"Can't you ever brush your hair?" might become "I love having such a beautiful daughter!"

"My boss did it again!" might become "I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck to feed my family."

 At the end of the week, donate your quarters to charity.  You'll be amazed how much money you raise for your favorite charity as you re-train yourself.

May your week be filled with the miracle of gratitude.

Guest Blog by Joanne Stern
author of Parenting Is a Contact Sport
ParentingIsaContactSport.com

Listen to Joanne Stern live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday July 8
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

When you overhear other parents bad-mouthing kids from the sidelines

Badmouthing kids at a sporting event is not only inappropriate. It’s obnoxious and disgusting as well, and most parents know it and feel it the second they hear it. They feel uncomfortable because they’re torn between doing something and doing nothing. They may suddenly become engrossed in conversation with a neighbor to cover up the noise. They may get overly absorbed in the game and pretend they don’t hear. They may choose to walk away to avoid the scene altogether. Or they may struggle internally trying to figure out what to say that would challenge the bad behavior without causing an even bigger stir.

As parents we already know two things:
1.  We are role models to kids—not only to our own, but to others as well, and our behaviors speak loudly to kids about who we are as people.
2.  We can’t police the world and we can’t control other parents, even though we might like to.

But sometimes we forget another important thing: that we have the opportunity for very powerful and positive input with our kids within our own homes. So, take advantage of situations in the outside world to teach our kids the valuable lessons we want them to learn.

Tip #1
Talk with your own kids at home about what happened at the game—even if they didn’t hear the badmouthing—and use the conversation as a springboard to reinforce the importance of sensitivity, good sportsmanship and compassion.

Tip #2
Badmouthing another, under any circumstances, is the ultimate in disrespect. Use this opportunity to talk with your kids at home about your family value of respect. Reconfirm that you treat them with respect and you expect them to treat you and others with respect as well—no matter what poor role models they may see in other adults.

If you feel the need to do something about the badmouthing itself:

Tip #3
Comment quietly and calmly to the offending parent about what a shame it would be if the team were penalized for offensive behaviors from the stands.

Tip #4
Talk with the coach after the game and ask if he/she would address the issue.

Tip #5
Counteract the badmouthing with cheers and words of encouragement to the kid being badmouthed.

"The average parent spends twice as long each day dealing with their email as they do playing with their child." — British government survey finding

We all know that feeling of trying to tear ourselves away from the computer to tend to our kid.  Back in the days when more of our work was manual -- kneading bread dough, darning socks -- we could at least attend to kids while we accomplished our tasks.  Computers rivet our attention and take us right out of the room. Our kids feel that.

Of course, dealing with kids can be challenging at the end of a long day.  Most parents say they have to psych themselves up to remain calm and cheerful through the dinner, bath and bedtime routine.  But the tone of this time together is what creates the fabric of your child's life. 

Can you make your child your priority for these few hours?  Can you resist that urgent need to quickly check your email, and focus instead on connecting with your kid?  Can you stay calm through all the bedtime testing so the last thing your child feels is safe warmth, rather than angry threats?

How?

• Implement a routine -- make a chart with pictures -- so things go smoothly.
• Divide parental time equally between kids.
• Give each child some private quality time after lights-out for a snuggle and low-key check-in.
• Don't do anything else during the bedtime routine so you can focus on moving it along.
• Go to bed early enough yourself so you aren't exhausted the next evening during the bedtime routine.

May your evening be filled with miracles, large and small.

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.  

So my Aha! moment was, There’s always a way to make interaction with our kids into win-win situations.  This dad was making this a contest between his needs and his son’s.  His won.  But there are always other ways to handle situations like this. How?

Well, to start with, Dad could at least not have yanked his kid’s arm half out of its socket.  That wasn't going to make Junior any more cooperative.

He could have empathized, so Junior didn’t feel so alone:
“I know, you are so tired of walking.  We’ve been out all morning, haven’t we?  And your legs are tired, I know.  You wish Daddy could carry you.”

He could have reassured his kid:
“We’re almost home now.  As soon as we get home, I will carry you up the steps.”

He could have helped Junior regroup:
 “Let’s stop here at the deli.  I’ll go inside and get you a cool drink of water, and you can rest for a minute with mom on the bench.”

Then he could have turned it into a game, or distracted him:
“Let’s see how many steps it takes to the corner. " or "Let’s see whether we can beat Mommy home.” Or “I can’t carry you until my shoulder feels better, but Mom and I can swing you some while we walk.  Here, hold both our hands.  Now you count to five.  Every fifth step, we will swing you.

But what happens when there is no way to find a win-win?  When it’s 3am and we’re exhausted and walking the floor with a crying baby, and the only win for us would be to dump the baby in her crib and collapse into bed?

There’s a always a deeper win.  That win is about the foundation we’re giving our child for a fulfilling life.  That win is about transforming our resentment into love and giving our child the blessing of that love.  That win is about teaching our child that ultimately, love is what matters, and she is lovable.

The New York Times recently reported on a longitudinal study of a class of Harvard graduates from many years ago.  The researchers followed these men throughout their lives to study what most affects achievement, success, and happiness.  You now what they found?   The only thing that matters is love.  That's right, good relationships with other people.  What made these men happy and successful wasn't about IQ, family status, money, the jobs they got.  It was the kids who the great relationships with parents and siblings, with peers, roommates, girlfriends, the kids who went out in the world and created good relationships with other people, who gave and received love -- those were the ones who had the happy, successful lives.

So as parents, how do we raise kids who succeed at love and relationships?  They learn everything they need to know from us.
That’s the ultimate win-win.

"Some nights I look in on our sleeping children before I go to bed. I watch their softly tousled heads slumbering on their pillows, and sadness wells up in me. Have I drunk in their smiles and laughter and hugged them, or have I just checked things off my to-do list today? They're growing so quickly. One morning I may wake up and one of my girls will be getting married, and I'll worry: Have I played with them enough? Have I enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of their lives?"
-- Janet Fackrell

Research shows we need five positive interactions to each negative interaction to maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

It's part of our job description to enforce limits with our children, deny their requests, correct their behavior.   Sometimes we're skillful enough that our child doesn't even perceive those interactions as "negative" -- but that's rare.  More often, they give us the benefit of the doubt because all the other loving, affirming interactions create a positive balance in our relationship account.  But when we're short on positive interactions, our relationship balance dips into the red. That's when kids develop attitude, whether they're two or twelve.

What can you do today to refill your relationship account with your child?  Write down five things and do at least one each day this week.