Parenting Blog

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied.  Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."  -- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.  Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls --  may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs: To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated.  To know their parents adore them and love to care for them. More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent. But when they're hungry for these things, they don't thrive.

Not meeting our deepest needs is like starving ourselves and our children. Which of your unsatisfied needs could you attend to today?  How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your children's souls every day?

We all, automatically, want to blame someone when things go wrong.  As if fixing blame prevents a recurrence of the problem, or absolves us of responsibility.  In reality, blaming makes everyone defensive, more inclined to watch their back -- and to attack -- than to make amends.  It's the #1 reason kids lie to their parents.  Worse yet, when we blame them, kids find all kinds of reasons it wasn't really their fault -- at least in their own minds -- so they're less likely to take responsibility and the problem is more likely to repeat.

Blame is the opposite of unconditional love. 

So why do we do it?  To help us feel less out of control, and because we can't bear the suspicion that we also had some role, however small, in creating the situation. Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone, stop.  Instead, accept any responsibility you can – it’s good practice to overstate your responsibility – without beating yourself up.  (You're modeling, remember?) Then, just accept the situation. You can always come up with better solutions from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.

“You don't drown by falling in water, but by staying there."
--Tina Nocera

When you walk into your home, do you feel wonderful?  Or like you're drowning?

You know all those things you walk past and sigh?  They wear you down, or build resentment.  They slowly poison you and your family. It's Spring!  What better time to give your home a once-over so that it better supports your family? 

This weekend, gather your family for a few hours.  If the kids resist, explain that in a family everyone pitches in and works together.  Grab a pad of paper, a box, and garbage bags. Walk through your house together.  Anything you're ready to give away goes in the box. Anything you can throw away goes in the garbage.  Anything that repeatedly annoys you gets written down on the pad.  (Each person is limited to four things, so the list doesn't get overwhelming. You can always do this again next month!)

Then sit down over pizza and talk about your list.  What can you fix today?  Keep the list manageable and give everyone tasks according to their age and ability.  Brainstorm how the whole family can tackle the remaining issues over the next month.  If an item will cost money, budget how to accomplish that goal over time.  Set up a jar, label it, and celebrate as everyone starts contributing funds (in the form of cash or checks).

Fix as many things as possible this weekend and then celebrate with ice cream. Brainstorm together how you can keep your home feeling this orderly in the future. Your whole family will feel more connected, energetic and empowered. Your kids will have learned some terrific lessons. And you'll begin next week feeling like you can walk on water.
 
May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.

My Aha Parenting moment this week relates to the movie Coraline.  By now, you probably know that the movie is about a young girl who moves into a new house.  Her parents, both writers, work at home. They’re on deadline and too busy to pay attention to her, fill the fridge, or help her unpack and set up her room.  Bored and irritable, Coraline finds a door into a mirror world with an identical but more attentive Other Mother and Father who lavish affection on her, cook for her, and arrange dazzling entertainments. 

The only problem?  Eerily, they have buttons for eyes, and want to replace her eyes with buttons too.  In other words, be careful what you wish for, and the grass isn’t always greener.

I read the book years ago with my then eight year old and felt that it was a good, haunting, tale, but too scary for an 8 year old.  I thought the movie was brilliant, a bit less scary, although still much too frightening for preschoolers.  I appreciated that its depiction of the parents as neglectful seemed to be reminding parents not to take their children for granted.

My aha moment came when I started reading about the movie online.  One writer who works at home – and shall remain nameless -- wrote:

“While we were walking out to the car after the movie, I asked my son and daughter what they thought the movie’s message was. 'You should be thankful for what you’ve got,' my daughter said assuredly, slipping her arm around my waist.  My son agreed, saying that the Other so-called 'perfect' world was a trap, but then offered this observation: 'You’re like the first mother because you’re always working and can never play with us.' When his sister gave him a stern, chastising look, he acknowledged, 'You do nice things occasionally.'  Well, occasionally’s not too bad. When they inevitably start crabbing about me not playing with them when I’m working, or baking them cookies, I can always remind them of how things wouldn’t necessarily be better with an on-the-surface perfect Other Mother.”

I have to admit that I was stunned.  This depiction of neglectful parenting was being used to justify this mom’s being too busy for her kids?  Occasionally being nice to her kids was good enough for her?

Now, I work at home too.  I know it’s hard to juggle work with kids’ needs. I know parents have needs too, and there are no perfect parents.  And I certainly didn’t think that Coraline’s parents were the worst parents I’ve ever seen. But there’s no question that they weren’t meeting her needs. They’re too busy even to keep food in the fridge.  All of us have been there, but once you have kids, the priority you put on that changes. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but that doesn’t excuse giving our kids the message that they’re a burden to us, not worthy of our time or attention.

And yet this mom’s take on the movie, instead of seeing how she was impacting her kids and vowing to make some changes, was that her kids should be more appreciative.  In fact, her entire post was about how her kids bug her so much! She used the movie to justify her own perspective rather than understanding her kids’ needs.  

My aha?  It’s not about this mom.  She’s just expressing what our society takes for granted.  Our culture has completely twisted the parent-child relationship.  Instead of realizing that WE chose to bring our child into the world and it is our obligation to meet their physical and emotional needs, we give our kids the message that they’re too much trouble, that they get in the way of our real work.

Seems to me that if our kids have become bothersome speed bumps on the freeway of life, we need to wake up and pull off the road before we really hurt somebody.

"Some nights I look in on our sleeping children before I go to bed. I watch their softly tousled heads slumbering on their pillows, and sadness wells up in me. Have I drunk in their smiles and laughter and hugged them, or have I just checked things off my to-do list today? They're growing so quickly. One morning I may wake up and one of my girls will be getting married, and I'll worry: Have I played with them enough? Have I enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of their lives?"
-- Janet Fackrell

Playing together is an almost magical way to build connection.  It’s one of the fastest ways to heal bad moods and minor relationship stress.  It brings the family into sync and creates a happy feeling in your home.  Sometimes it's the only way to manage a toddler or preschooler. And given how hard life can be at times, my opinion is that we need to seize all the joy, silliness, fun and humor we can get.

This weekend, why not take every opportunity for fun with your child?  You’ll find your weekend is filled with miracles, large and small.