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"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist
You've probably noticed that things work better with your kids when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get
irritated, annoyed, impatient, or frustrated at our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy. Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm.
The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that our kids may well act in ways that trigger us. But that's only true if we see ourselves in opposition to our child. The truth is, we're on the same side. Our job is to nurture and guide, theirs is to grow and learn. We're not really raising children -- we're raising adults. If we can take that long view, we're more likely to remember that when our kids trigger us, we have an opportunity to teach them many things.
Like how to regulate themselves emotionally.
Guess how they learn that? From us. Kids don't have the neural pathways to calm their own turbulent feelings. Everything seems like an emergency to them. But when we stay calm in the face of their upsets, they calm down too -- and their bodies learn from that experience how to calm their stormy emotions. That's how those neural pathways develop.
So our child is counting on us to de-escalate the
situation, because
he
can't. If we can see things from his perspective, and stay
calm, he'll learn emotional self-regulation that will last for the rest
of his life.
That's the trick, of course. Most of us are still working
on the
"staying calm" part. Welcome to humanity.
But there’s really no magic in staying centered. It’s just practice.
So each and every time you find yourself yelling, just stop. In mid-sentence, if you have to.
Pick yourself up.
And any pieces you may have broken around you
...and start again.
Embrace yourself with love.
That’s always the place to start.
Then go hug your kids.
Right now, soak in your own love, self-acceptance, forgiveness, adoration.
You are more than enough, just the way you are.
This is what they mean by putting on your own oxygen mask first.
How can you stay calm?
The same way you get to Carnegie Hall --
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Breathe...
"For
people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's
the golden
ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery,
they've
returned to their original happiness set-point level.
Shockingly, the
same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even
when bad
things happen, within a year they had returned to their
original
happiness set-point. The really important thing is our
happiness
set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born
with that.
It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other
40%, which is
the part we can really do something about, is based on our
habits of
thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat
at home to
get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your
happiness set-point
to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner,
richer, or
smarter to do it." -- Marci Shimoff
Did you know
that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what
happens to
us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our
whole
adult lives?
But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can
develop
constructive habits that create happiness: managing our
moods, positive
self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing
gratitude,
cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most
of this is
about managing our thoughts and attitudes. Since all
emotion is
stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just
by changing
our thoughts.
Sound hard? No harder than playing the piano. Like any
other skill, it
takes daily practice. In the beginning, you'll have to work
hard to
get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you
won't believe
how much happier you are. So why not start being happier
right now?
1. Smile! Smiling makes us happier, even when we force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us, and that feedback loop uplifts everyone.
2. Find a positive thought and focus on it. It won't make "unhappy" things go away, but it will increase your sense of well-being -- and therefore your ability to deal with difficulties more resourcefully. Whenever you notice you're in a bad mood, offer yourself some tenderness and wallow in the sadness or other feelings for a few minutes -- really let yourself feel them. Then, consciously move on. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you can always revisit these feelings later, and find something positive to look forward to.
3. Count your blessings. Research shows that people who make a habit of cultivating gratitude raise their happiness set-point. One easy way is to come up with at least three things you're grateful for every night before you go to sleep and every morning before you get out of bed. But you can use gratitude to change your mood all day long. Instead of "These kids are driving me crazy with all their noise!" how about "I'm so glad my kids are healthy and exuberant. Now, how can I help them find a good outlet for all that energy?"
4. Get your energy going. Nothing lifts my mood like a pillow fight with my kids. Or you could try an impromptu game where you try to take off each others' socks. Any physical activity gets your endorphins going and improves your mood. If it includes a nice connection with other people, it's even more effective.
5. Laugh. The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie marathon?
Want more ideas on how to reset your happiness set point? Want to help your child get happier too? (Happier kids make for happier parents!) Check out my article Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness.
“There's nothing tiny or insignificant. Everything is
significant...
Whether you are looking at world events or something that's
happening in
your kitchen, there's potential for connection or
disconnection in
either case. And it is really only the connection or the
disconnection
that is of any importance.” -- Abraham-Hicks
How is your week going?
Have you had a moment of connection with your child that
made your heart
melt?
You need that kind of moment every day, to be an inspired
parent. Why? Because parenting is hard, and those moments of love are
what see us through. Because our kids feel those moments too -- that's
when our love really sinks into their souls. (As you know, when kids are
convinced they're lovable, they act lovable.)
What if you could create that deep loving connection as your
(almost) constant way of
being with your child? It would be like giving yourself a
magic wand. There would be no more yelling in
your home. Some heart-felt tears, maybe. Lots of hugging,
smiling,
laughing, fun.
How?
1. Hold that picture of your loving home in your mind
right now, for a full 60 seconds. Watch it like a movie. How
are you feeling and acting? How are your kids responding? Let that
heart-melting, connected feeling soak in.
2. Every time you feel disconnected from your child
today, show yourself that picture and feel that feeling again .
Don't act until you've re-centered yourself in your love. (Sounds
hard? Keep practicing. It gets a lot easier.) Remember, every action is
significant.
3. Spend 15 minutes with each child today with
no agenda and no distractions. Just connect to your child with all
your heart.
Tomorrow: Repeat. You'll be amazed at the transformation in
your home within a week.
"Your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming, what you accept from others and what you say when you talk to yourself...It makes no difference whether you believe it or not. The brain simply believes what you tell it most." -- Richard Helmstetter, Ph.D.
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -- Tom Robbins
Every day you have thousands of thoughts. Researchers say that for the
average person, 2/3 of those thoughts are negative:
“Not again!....I knew this wouldn’t work... I am so clumsy.... That
was a dumb thing to do... Two steps forward, one step back...Can’t you
do anything right?...You certainly screwed that up...We’ll never make it
in time...I just can’t do this...I should do that...I wish I could do
that....I'm such an idiot...”
Self-talk is powerful. Our subconscious mind believes these comments, and we act accordingly. Luckily, we can all retrain ourselves. Imagine if you had the perfect parent in your head, nurturing you
through your day:
“Good try...Wouldn’t it be nice if this worked out?...It’s ok, don’t worry....You don’t have to be perfect...Nobody bats 1000....I love you just the way you are...Practice makes perfect...Just breathe....Don’t take it personally....You’re a good person and that’s what matters....It’s never too late to make things better....Every journey starts with the first step....You’re a hero for everything you do....Two steps forward, one step back still takes you to where you’re headed... I think I can...Sooner or later this will work out...You are more than enough!”
Each of us deserves a cheerleader to help us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks.
The minute you notice yourself saying anything negative, reframe it:
"I blew it!" becomes "Nobody's perfect."
"I'm so stupid." becomes "Let's pay attention and try that
again."
"I can't get through to that child!" becomes "The more I
listen to her and connect, the more she listens to me."
"I'm just not good at that" becomes "Practice makes
perfect."
"I wish I had more time!" becomes "I make time and I take
time for what I need to do."
"This is impossible!" becomes "The impossible just takes a
little longer. What do I need to do to make this happen?"
Just come to your defense as your perfect parent would. Really soak in that terrific parenting. You deserve it. And notice how that self-nurturing rubs off on your kids.
Research shows that the practice of gratitude makes people happier. The simple act of letting ourselves feel grateful stills our inner critic and floods us with love.
Starting now, why not take every opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate others, especially your own child?
The sparkle in the eyes of a friend that lights up your heart...
The touch of a loved one that nourishes your spirit...
But also the farmer who grew the food that you eat.
At this very moment you are surrounded by angels.
A pediatrician is a phone call away to help you keep your child healthy
Teachers, babysitters, extended family all love and guide your child
There is always help available.
Even during hard times there is always so much to be grateful for
Most of the time, we take this for granted.
But today, let’s express our love and gratitude for all that we are given
Including, of course, your own child.
Growing, developing, becoming a person who will bless the earth with his or her presence.
Start right now.
Take a few minutes and silently acknowledge to yourself some of the people whose contributions to your life you especially appreciate.
Make sure you spend a minute listing all the things you love about your child.
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