Parenting Blog

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

Today we're exploring the sixth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010!:

Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior.

Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but he has a reason, and it’s what’s motivating his behavior. 

If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already, right?  Berating, nagging, and criticizing actually add to the problem by making him defensive. Only by addressing the underlying need can we participate in the solution and change our child’s behavior. 

Does that mean you shouldn't get annoyed?  You probably can't avoid it, if you're human.  But it's possible to transform your annoyance, which will make you more effective in redirecting your child's behavior. 

How? By remembering that your kid is just trying to meet legitimate human needs, like the rest of us -- except in an immature way (because, by definition, a child is an immature human). By seeing all "misbehavior" as an SOS.

What kinds of needs are we talking about?  Attention, self-determination, food, sleep, physical activity, physical affection, love, power (everyone needs to feel like they can have an impact on their world!).  All the needs that motivate all humans. But often what lies behind our kids' most irritating behaviors are these questions: 

• "Do you love me?"
• "Do you see me?"
• "Do you know how much I need you?"
• "Can I be wholly myself and still be acceptable to you?"

Kids who don't have to fight to get their needs met mature faster, so their needs are expressed with more maturity. And parents who address kids’ needs pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.

And, miracle of miracles, you'll start to get Care Packages -- your child responding to YOUR needs -- among those SOS behaviors.

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." -- Guy Finley

Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems?  Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice.  But even eight year olds like to think they can solve their own problems.

And they can. Especially if they have a parent with a warm heart who's willing to really listen, and simply reflect what they say.  "Hmm...So you got pretty mad, huh? ...Sounds like you're considering giving him a piece of your mind.....But you think that might make things worse?...You're wondering if it might be better to....."

Before you know it, your kid gives you a quick hug and dashes out the door.  With lots of confidence in his ability to sort out his own life.  What a wonderful parent!  And what a lucky kid.

"If you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with others.  Children are born completely powerless.  They're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda.  In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.  They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative.  That's when they're ready to cooperate.

When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice the deeper need they're trying to fill.

Kids who compete with siblings often need to feel more valued for who they are.
Kids who keep pushing for limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them safe.
Kids who "don't listen" often don't feel heard.
Kids who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful and competent.
Kids who are always cranky usually need more sleep.
Kids who disrespect you are always showing you they don't feel connected enough to you.

What can you do to address that deeper need behind your child's behavior?

"Because it's almost impossible for parents to give their young children all the attention they want, whenever they want it, most children form the belief that they aren't really important.  Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to suppress that feeling and being ashamed of it." -- Morty Lefkoe

Most of us deny that somewhere inside we feel unimportant.  We can't bear the feeling, so we've buried it. Even if we do feel unimportant at times, we're ashamed to admit it.  Meanwhile, slights and disrespect upset us.  If we were confident of our importance in the world, we wouldn't even notice disrespect, much less feel slighted by it.

And yet most of us raise our children -- the children we adore, would do anything for, even if they do sometimes drive us crazy -- to secretly feel unimportant.

How do we do this?  The list is endless, and we all do them:

• We give them the message that our work is more important, by going off to work while they're crying behind us. 
• We give in to their demands even though we (and, secretly, they) know the request we're granting is bad for them, because it's easier than setting limits and loving them through their upset. 
• We give them the message that they're not as important as our chores; we're "too busy" to sit and play with them or just hang out.
• We spend family time at movies or watching TV instead of interacting.
• We don't listen deeply to their feelings or opinions.
• We call them "drama queens" instead of respecting the depth of their feelings.
• We don't accept our child's angry, sad or other "negative" feelings, so he feels like only part of him is ok and the rest is shameful.
• We cast around for "playdates" on weekends even though they've been at childcare all week, so we can get some time to ourselves.
• We get exasperated at having to "do" for our child.
• We work from home in their presence, which they interpret as meaning our work is more important than their needs.
• We travel a lot for work.
• We go on trips with our spouse when our children are small.
• We don't want to give our kids a "swelled head" so we withhold admiration.
• We give admiration for surface things, like looks, rather than who our child is inside and the choices she makes.

Even if you've never done any of these things -- and who hasn't?! -- what percentage of the time do young children want their parents' attention?  100%?  No wonder most kids form the belief that they're unimportant, or not valued for who they are.

No parent is perfect.  We will all, sometimes, unintentionally give our kids this message.  How can we compensate? Just by according our child the respect of acknowledging his needs, whenever possible.

This weekend, notice what message you give your child about her importance.  That doesn't mean putting her needs first.  It means acknowledging them and balancing them with your own.  For instance, "I really want to hear what you have to say to me.  As soon as I'm done with this, I will give you my full attention." Follow up on your promise.

May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.

"In moments of silence, you see children's souls."  -- Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

A reader wrote recently, "Why is it my child always wants to have intense conversations after lights out at bedtime?"  Don't worry, your child isn't consciously manipulating you.  Humans, including kids, are busy and distracted all day.  When the lights go out and the stillness settles, the unresolved issues of the heart press in on us.

Setting your child's bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark is one of the best things you can do for your child.  Sometimes, you might even have an agenda for your visit.  But most of the time, you'll want to cuddle in silence.  Those companionable, safe moments of silence invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to surface.

Do you have to resolve it then?  No.  Just listen.  Acknowledge feelings.  Reassure your child that you hear their concern, and that together you will solve it, tomorrow.  The next day, follow up.  You'll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. 

You might even catch a glimpse of your child's soul.