Parenting Blog

“It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.”
-- Henry James

You know all those interactions you wish you could do over?  You can't change history, but you CAN rewrite the script and create an alternative version in your mind.  Why bother?  First, the feelings you take away will be positive, not toxic.  Second, you'll be modeling for yourself the way you want to act in the future.  Your mind files that away as a blueprint and you have the option of acting more positively next time.  Think of it as Emotional Muscle-Memory.

Tonight before sleep, find one thing that you did really well with your kids, that you're proud of.  Soak in that fabulous feeling.  Then, while you feel so good, find one thing you did with your child or family that you want to do differently next time. Don't beat yourself up, stay positive. Use your pause button as you play it in your mind like a newsreel.  See yourself handling the situation beautifully next time.

This takes a little discipline at the end of the day, but it can change your life.  It's such a powerful tool that you may find yourself using it every night.

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
that's how the light gets in.
~ Leonard Cohen

Imagine that guilt is like a red light blinking on your dashboard.  When you see it, you:

a) Redouble your efforts to attain perfection, even if it’s giving you a headache.

b) Flog yourself.

c) Pull out the wire so it stops blinking, and go have a drink.

d) Thank the guilt and tell it to take a break.  Then use the opportunity to check in: What could you do differently to be the parent you want your kids to have, while at the same time being kind to yourself?

Not surprisingly, research shows that (d) works best, particularly when you give yourself a pat on the back and accept that you're doing the best you can at the moment.

Do you think trying to be perfect makes you a better person?  If you pay attention, you'll see your quest for perfection isn't good for your family.  If we’re always scanning for what’s not quite perfect, we're not giving ourselves unconditional love, which means we can't give it to our kids, either.

But once we accept that "I'm not ok, and you're not ok, but that's ok!"  we’re more loving & compassionate, more forgiving of our own and others’ humanity.  Better parents, and happier people.

So just say no to the Perfect Parent Myth and lose the guilt.  Serve peanut butter sandwiches for dinner tonight.  Spend all day Sunday in pajamas with your kids.  Skip the PTA meeting.  Give yourself permission to make mistakes and say the wrong thing to your child sometimes.  (It’ll happen whether you give yourself permission or not!)  That’s what course-correction is for.  Learn to apologize, and learn from your mistakes.

You’ll be surprised how much more perfect your kids think you are.

Everyone knows that stress is bad for us, but why?  Did you know that stress causes spikes in cortisol, the stress hormone produced by the adrenal glands?  That’s okay if you’re grabbing your kid away from the side of the pool, but chronic high cortisol levels are bad for your body.  Among other nasty effects, elevated cortisol can interfere with your body’s progesterone production and throw all your hormones all out of whack.  Some symptoms of chronically elevated cortisol and out-of-balance progesterone include:

•    Slower metabolism and weight gain
•    Anxiety, including difficulty falling asleep
•    Emotional outbursts and moodiness
•    Difficulty concentrating
•    Depression, exhaustion, sluggishness, crankiness.
•    PMS
•    Heavy periods with cramps
•    Food cravings and binging

As every mother learns, to her dismay, you can't be a good mom when you're stressed out, no matter how positive your intentions.  It's true that modern life creates stress, but it's also true that what stresses out one person may just roll off the back of another.  A three pronged approach works best:   Strengthen your body so you can parent with more energy and calm, pare down the stressors in your life -- and commit yourself to remaining calm and not letting yourself get provoked into stress-mode.  Here are ten stress-busting strategies you can use starting today.

1. Eat right.  Think protein at every meal and for snacks.  (That doesn’t necessarily mean meat.  Try beans, tofu, nuts, dairy, eggs and fish.)  Five to eight servings of whole fruits and veggies (not juice).  Healthy fats are fine in moderation (olive oil, nuts, avocado) but hydrogenated oils are really dangerous to your long-term health.  Sugar and sweet treats are just that – occasional treats – and should not be part of your regular diet.  Limit carbs except for whole grains.  Carbs throw off your blood sugar and hormones, make you tired and moody, and put on weight.  And make sure you take a multivitamin and a calcium/magnesium supplement, unless you’re sure you’re getting enough.
 
2. Half an hour of sweat inducing activity daily will cut cortisol levels, boost progesterone, and burn fat.  What more incentive do you need?  Turn on the music and get your kids dancing with you!

3. This is the hardest one by far for mothers.  Get enough sleep, even if it means napping when your kids nap and going to bed at 9pm.  Don't worry, these years are over fast.

4. Pare down your schedule.  Prioritize your kids and your relationship.  Then drop anything else you can.  Your house can stay a mess a little longer.  Serve scrambled eggs for dinner.  Just say no.  You’ll thank yourself.  Your kids will thrive.

5. Pay attention to breathing, calmly and deeply, as often as you remember, all day long.  Feeling stressed out?  Breathe.  Kids just dump their toys in the toilet? Breathe.  This will change your life.

6. Count your blessings and cultivate optimism.  Every time you start to feel negative, find as many things as you can to be grateful for, and really feel that gratitude.  Research shows this practice reduces stress and improves health and attitude.

7.  Cut your kids some slack.  Kids aren’t bad, they’re just young.  The fact that Michael clobbered his playmate or Jillian smeared poop on the wall doesn’t mean they’ll be psychopaths.  When they’re hardest to love is when they most need our love and understanding.  

8.  Cut yourself some slack.  There are no perfect moms, and there are no perfect people.  Practice positive self-talk.  Find ways to nurture yourself.   Loving yourself – really feeling your love for yourself – is the single most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids.

9. Life is too short for you to be stressing over bad relationships.  If you’re feeling stressed about your relationship with your husband or partner, make working things out a priority.  Go to counseling if necessary.  If you need more support in your life, find other moms with whom you feel comfortable and start building new friendships.

10. Find spirit in your life.   This doesn’t have to mean a higher power, although it might.  For some of us, it’s as simple as a walk in the woods or gazing at the stars.  Your kids benefit from quiet time in nature too.  We all need to reconnect regularly with the miracles that make life worth living.

"Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing. Be there completely. While doing this, you’ll find that you naturally enjoy those seemingly tedious tasks much more (like washing the dishes). It’s amazing how much non-resistance and presence changes everything.”
--Zen habits

Most of us find it tedious to change yet another diaper, make yet another snack, be patient one more time. But there’s a secret to transforming tedium into joy: Being fully present.

If we give 90% with our child, while the other 10% of us is focused on that phone call we need to make, our irritation that our child isn’t behaving as we’d like, or our resentment that our partner didn’t do the dishes, it often feels tedious to meet our child’s needs. It's our resistance that's the burden, not our kids.

Today, try an experiment.  Show up 100% when you’re with your child.  See how much more joy and delight you find in nurturing and guiding.  See how much easier everything is. And notice that it’s a gift to yourself as well.

"When we put a stopper on our capacity for joy by anorexically declining the small gifts of life, we turn aside the larger gifts as well." ~ Julia Cameron 

Good morning!
What did you do from your Joy list this weekend?
(If you don't have a list of things you can do that make you feel great, start one right now.)

Being a good parent is tough. So often, our needs come second.  The exhaustion of being constantly on call wears us out.  But if you deplete yourself, you have nothing to give your child.  So think of your joy list as your stash of vitamins.  Take at least one a day to keep yourself in good shape.

What will you do today to increase your Joy quotient?
Schedule time for yourself, right now.  Even 10 minutes spent nurturing yourself can turn your whole day around. And if you're feeling inspired, don't stop there.  Why not see how many things from your joy list you can revel in today?  Who says joy has to be rationed?