Parenting Blog

"Ok, you screamed at your kid. Now what? Unpack your baggage so your kids don't have to carry it.  It's all grist for the mill...The joy on the journey is in the detours." -- Lu Hanessian

So you screamed at your kid? And you've been flaying yourself ever since?

You have a choice to make.  Will choosing to hate yourself make you a better parent? Or could you use this opportunity to turn onto a new path in your parenting, one that will bring you closer to your child -- and to your own authentic joy? There is no path to perfection, but there is a path to unconditional love.  And to take your child there, you have to go yourself!

How? Here's your five step program!

1. Forgive yourself. Embrace yourself with all the tenderness you would offer your child.  Tell yourself "I will always love you no matter what. You don't have to be perfect. You are more than enough, exactly as you are."  

2. Heal.  Kids have an unerring instinct for exposing our raw and wounded places.  Sit and feel those  heavy feelings, without thinking or labeling them. Don't get absorbed in stories about where these feelings came from. Just breathe, and feel, and cry if you need to. Watch the feelings lighten.

3. Reconnect with your child. Say "I'm sorry I yelled. Even parents get upset sometimes and forget to be kind. You are so precious to me and you don't ever deserve to be yelled at. I don't want yelling in this house and I will try not to yell at you in the future. Next time I feel like yelling I will go in the bathroom and run the water and yell if I need to. I will try not to forget, but if I do, you can remind me."

4.  Use It!  When we yell about something, it's like a blinking light on the dashboard of our life.  We can use this experience diagnostically: what is so wrong in our life that we feel that furious, and what do we need to do to change the situation?

Sometimes the answer is clearly related to our parenting: we need to enforce rules before things get out of hand, or start putting the children to bed half an hour earlier, or do some repair work on our relationship with our kid so she stops treating us rudely. Sometimes we're surprised to find that our anger is actually at our spouse who isn't acting as a full partner in parenting, or even at our boss. And sometimes the answer is that we're carrying around anger we don’t understand that spills out onto our kids, and we need to seek help though therapy or a parents support group.

5. Change the future. Think of the areas in your life where you and your child have the most conflict. Because these recurring upsets disrupt the peace in your home and tear at the fabric of your relationship with your child, it’s worth investing special effort to solve them. How?  There are lots of ideas in the Help Your Child Want to Behave Workbook, but start by working together to create a Win/Win solution that both of you can accept. Don’t give up what you want out of the situation, but make sure your kid gets his concerns addressed. This not only meets both of your needs and creates a more cooperative kid, it teaches your child constructive problem-solving.  

"Adults traveling with small children should put on their own oxygen mask before assisting their child." -- Airline Instruction Card

If you're a regular subscriber to my free daily inspiration newsletter, you've probably already taken advantage of my gift*of the new How to Help Your Child WANT to Behave" Positive Discipline Workbook, in which case you'll have noticed the emphasis on your own well-being.  What does 'It’s Not Stress that Kills Us, It’s Our Reaction to It" or "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself" have to do with discipline?

The answer is so obvious we take it for granted.  There's a reason the airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first.  Kids can't reach those masks or be relied on to use them properly.  If we lose function, our kids can't save us, or themselves. So even if we would sacrifice ourselves to save our kids, it's our responsibility to put on our own masks first.

Kids can't manage their own rage by themselves, either.  They can't find their way through the tangle of jealousy that pushes them to whack their little sister. They need our help to handle that fear that we don't love them because they somehow just aren't quite good enough. They know that if they were good enough, they wouldn't want to hit their sister, or sneak that piece of candy, or throw themselves down on the floor and scream. But they can't help themselves, however hard they try not to.  (Sort of like when we eat that extra piece of cake.)

So as with the oxygen mask, it's our job to help our child with his emotions, which is what helps him with his behavior.  Unfortunately, when we're stressed out, exhausted, and running on empty, we can't be there constructively for our child, any more than if we black out on the plane. That's why the first step in effective discipline is always taking care of ourselves.

Of course the "How to Help Your Child WANT to Behave" Positive Discipline Workbook"  has tools for parents to use in the trenches of everyday life -- Setting Effective Limits, Creating Win/Win Solutions, Using Routines and Giving Choices Instead of Giving In.  But to me the most important section is Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal: Don’t Postpone Joy!  What can you do today to tap into your own internal fountain of well-being?

*If you're not a subscriber, why not subscribe now and get the book free?  But if you just can't add anything else to your IN Box -- even something inspiring, valuable and free :-) -- then click here and you can download the book for just $9.99.

"Keep in mind that everything true we discover about ourselves enlarges our relationship with life." -- Guy Finley

I've heard from some readers that when they finally get the kids busy with something and sit down to meditate -- or just reflect -- tears come up.

Life is full of emotions that we don't have time to process in the moment.  And if we have kids, we probably have more emotions and less time. Parenting is the hardest job there is. It gives us constant reminders of the places in us that need healing. So it's not surprising that sometimes we just need a good cry.

Just let the tears come. Breathe. Acknowledge the tears, and the feeling. You can name it, or not. Sometimes emotions are too complicated to name. Breathe. Sit with the feelings for a few minutes. 

Those feelings are a gift to you, as bad as they might feel. Any experience that causes tears is offering you wisdom, compassion, or insight.  Ask the tears what their message is. Listen. Breathe. Say thank you for the lesson. Breathe.

Once you reap that lesson, you can let the emotions go if you want.  How? 
First sit with them, breathing, for a few minutes.  Don't think.  Just feel.  Breathe.

Then, ask yourself: 
"Could I let this go?"
"Would I let this go?"
If you can, ask yourself "When?"
Answer aloud.
Why not "NOW."?

If you can't let it go, that's ok.  You will, when you're ready.  Maybe there's another lesson waiting for you?

"Just as the moon is always shining brightly at night and clouds may come in and block our view, so too are the peace and happiness always in our hearts hidden behind clouds of fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and thoughts of the past and future. The possibilities for peace and happiness are all around us. We just need to make the choice to let ourselves experience them.  Relish the opportunity to sit quietly, soften the mind, and surrender to the passing sensations of life all around you. Let happiness, peace, and joy arise." -- Jan Marie Dore

Did you get a chance to meditate yesterday?  I know, it sounds hard.  Sitting still IS hard, especially given the length of your "to do" list. And if a small child is nearby, it's virtually impossible.

But even five minutes of meditation can make you a happier person and a more inspired parent.  And if that's not motivation enough, it can also roll back the aging process. Really. Stress hastens aging. All those stress hormones racing through your body can be dramatically reduced by sitting quietly for five minutes and breathing. 

So pretend you're handing yourself a glass of water from the fountain of youth.  Sit down to sip it for five minutes, and notice your breathing. To stay focused, on your in-breath, silently say "IN."  On your out-breath, silently say "OUT." 

If thoughts or emotions come up -- positive or negative -- just notice them, breathe through them, and let them arise and pass away, leaving you lighter.  (That's what the new-age folks mean when they talk about raising your vibration.) Anything important your mind has to say will come back to you later. 

If you do this for even five minutes every day, your body will begin to de-stress, your mood will get happier, your chattering mind will be more friendly and loving to you, your children, and others -- and your soul will sing.   What do you have to lose?

“Meditation is a fine-tuning device where we sit still and we tune and tune and tune until we get the most clear and still station on the dial, which is our soul." – Elizabeth Lesser

"Meditation creates unconditional friendliness towards the Self."  -- The Buddha

Would you like a magic pill?  Research has shown that this nutrient can transform your life by slowing the aging process and decreasing anxiety, depression, moodiness, cholesterol, cortisol and lactate levels.  (Cortisol and lactate are stress hormones that increase weight and irritability.) This vitamin has also been proven to increase emotional stability, happiness, creativity, and energy. If that weren't enough, it improves learning ability, memory, insight, restful sleep, blood pressure, and flow of air to the lungs.  Best of all, it has no negative side effects.

The only catch is that to take this vitamin, you have to sit still and quiet for a few minutes. That's hard for most people.  And while even a few minutes gives positive effects, the longer you sit quietly, the more benefit you'll get from this magic pill.

You've probably guessed that I'm talking about meditation.  If you're like most of us, you know it's good for you, but you don't think you have time to do it.  But if I handed you a vitamin with this list of benefits, that you could realize by sitting quietly for ten minutes, wouldn't you take it? 

You don't need an hour.  Of course an hour of meditation is great for you.  But even five or ten minutes daily has huge benefits.

Want to get started?  Sit comfortably upright, spine straight.  Notice your breathing. On your in-breath, silently say "IN."  On your out-breath, silently say "OUT."  Your mind will keep chattering; just smile at it from afar and keep your focus on your breath.  Anything important your mind has to say will come back to you later.  If emotions come up -- positive or negative -- just notice them, breathe through them, and let them arise and pass away, leaving you lighter.

 If you do this for even five minutes every day, your body will begin to de-stress,  your mood will get happier, your chattering mind will become more friendly and loving to you and to others, and your soul will sing.