Parenting Blog

This email is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

"Dr. Laura....We employ the strategies you suggest to try to provide an environment where our kids feel loved, secure and listened-to. But there are times when, for whatever reason, the limits we've empathically set are not adhered to. What do we do then? How do we "enforce" without crossing the line into punishment?

For example, when my 3 year old hits me or his baby sister when I'm nursing her, I might hold his hand gently and say, 'You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now, but we don't hit. Hitting hurts. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya?' What do I do when he scowls and hits again?" -- Molly

This is a terrific question.  The short answer is, punishment is not actually an enforcement of the limits. That's our rationalization for punishing, because we're frustrated that he isn't respecting our limits. Punishment is actually retaliation, and retaliation always sabotages your relationship with your child (or anyone else.)

Here's the long answer:

When you set a limit and your child doesn't accept it, there's a reason. He's showing you as well as he can that something is so wrong inside him that he can't cooperate with you, as much as he loves you and wants to please you. (And kids who have good relationships with their parents DO want to please them.)  But right now he can't.  So he's sending you an SOS.

Responding with punishment tells him that you aren't hearing his SOS; that he's a naughty person who needs to be punished. (Unfortunately, kids believe everything we tell them about themselves, so that's a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

Instead of punishing:

1. Enforce the limit physically (not angrily.) 

2. Address the feelings under your child's behavior as much as you can in that moment, which is how you foster emotional intelligence.

3. Make ongoing changes in your child's life to address and resolve the feelings that are triggering his behavior.  This usually includes a release of his upset and strengthening his connection with you. 

Molly is doing a fantastic job of staying calm in a challenging situation, and of setting the limit with empathy.  Let's take it a step further to reinforce the limit when her son flaunts it, and to address the feelings under his behavior. 

So, when....

Your three year old hits his baby sister as you're nursing her. You're furious, but you remember that a kid who's aggressive is a kid who's frightened.  You realize he's scared you don't love him any more, and as a result he's furious at the baby. These are just feelings, and feelings pass.

You take a deep breath and say "You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now. Hitting hurts. I won't let you hit Maya. I see how upset you are. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya? Then I can play your game with you."

Sometimes it works, especially if you empathize and try to address the need he's expressing.  Other times, he scowls and hits her again. What can you do?

You enforce your limit of no hitting and you keep everyone safe. If you can, you might hold his hand, or get between your kids, or pick up either the baby or the three year old. In this case, your options are limited because you're nursing.  So you stand up, still nursing, so he can't reach her.  That's how you enforce your limit.

Now you let him know you hear his SOS, and you give him a tool to safely show you the depth of his feelings, and also to discharge them a little. You say "I see how much you want to hit Maya.  You are feeling very bad and you want me to know. I love you very much, AND I won't let you hurt your sister. If your body needs to hit something, you can hit the chair cushion. I will watch how hard you hit so you can show me what you're feeling." 

He will usually hit the chair a few times, although because it is a new situation and you are a step removed, some kids won't feel safe enough to really let loose. You encourage him by saying what you see and completely accepting his feelings: "I see you hitting the chair cushion....You are hitting the cushion hard...You are showing me how mad you feel....You feel so mad you want to hit." (Presumably, he feels your attention on him enough that it's safe for you to sit down on the couch to finish nursing now while he hits the chair.)

When he's done, you try to reconnect with him. You say "Will you come look in my eyes? I have something to tell you."

When he comes over, you put your arm around him and look him in the eye and say "Thank you for showing me how you feel. I love you so much. I want to snuggle with you now and I want to play your game with you as soon as I can. Will you please come snuggle with me and read your book while I finish feeding the baby? Then we can play your game."

Ok, so you've enforced your limit and you've tried to address the feelings under your son's behavior.  But the real work here is the preventive changes in his life that will help him resolve his tangled up fear and rage.  That work starts as soon as you can put the baby down so you can give your son your full attention.

Some ideas:

1. Give him a chance to discharge those angry feelings for real by pushing on a cushion with you on the other side of it. (We did this yesterday when he hit the cat, remember?)

"You're very upset.  You can be as mad as you want, but people are not for hitting.....I can hold this pillow for you to push against to show me how mad you are ....You can push as hard as you want....You are pushing hard and showing me you are so mad...You are yelling at me to go away, so I will move back a little but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings...."

Kids who lash out in anger are frightened and hurting.  They don't want to feel those vulnerable feelings, so they attack. (The best defense is a good offense.) When you give them a safe place to get their anger out, their fear and sadness often bubble right up. "You're crying now...You were very angry and now you're so sad...My arms are right here to hold you....You can cry as much as you need to....Everybody needs to cry sometimes....I'm right here, Sweetie....You can get all your sads out...."

2. Strengthen your connection by spending "special" one-on-one time focused solely on him every single day while the baby naps. Let him choose what you do.  Call this time by the most special name you can think of -- his name.

3. Remind him you love him by playing the Fix game, every day. You play the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...."  Both parents can even play at the same time, and "argue" about who gets him.

4. Read a ton of books about the little sibling.  There are lots of fabulous books on the theme of an ambivalent older sibling who comes to love the new arrival. These books help older kids feel comfortable with their own tangled up feelings and reassure them they're normal.  They also point out that the older child is still adored by his parents, which is a message all older sibs need to hear repeatedly.   (If you want suggestions, here's a whole page of recommended books for big sibs.)

Guest Blog by Sandy Blackard
author of
SAY WHAT YOU SEE
  

Listen to Sandy Blackard live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday August 19
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

Simple Parenting for Empowering Your Kids

On a family stay-cation you might not spend much time in the car, but you are still likely to hit some bumpy roads, like those annoying little arguments between kids. How to resolve them? Empower the kids to do it themselves with SAY WHAT YOU SEE®.  Say what you see objectively first. Then when you see something you like, name that strength; when you see something you don’t, offer a can-do.

Adding Can-Dos and Strengths
Even little kids can solve their own problems. If they argue over control of a toy or who gets to sit in the chair (that just became "THE CHAIR" by virtue of the other child sitting in it), you might want to hang back a minute like a roadwork flagman to see where it’s heading.

Kids sometimes find ways to resolve their own arguments when you add a little can-do, like “Must be something you can do to make this work.” Then you can wave them on by saying what you see and adding a strength, like "You two just found a way to work that out. That shows you are problem-solvers." Shifting beliefs makes for smoother roads next time.

Say What You See and Ask “When?”
If they are still learning to take turns or share, you can lay out a route starting with “When?" Just say what you see to state the problem objectively and then respectfully ask when the child will be done. For example, you would say to the waiting child (Joey), "She has the chair and you want it." Then turn to the child in the chair (Janie) and ask, "When will you be done?" Kids find it easier to wait if they know they will get something and when.

If the problem has escalated to yelling or hitting, flag them down with a big noise like "Whoa-ho! Sounds like something’s really wrong here!” To stay off the road repair crew, just listen, nod and restate each child’s side of the story without blaming, criticizing or trying to fix it. After both kids feel fully heard, say what you see and ask when as above.

Letting Janie establish when can meet her need for control. If she doesn’t tell time yet, you can offer a can-do of five or 10 counts. If she agrees to 10 or chooses a bigger number like 20, she will usually turn over the chair, even if the last count is a long, drawn out "T-w-e-n-n-n-n-n-t-y." Then if she wants another turn later, you ask Joey the same thing, "When will you be done?"

With little ones, this can get funny. If Joey can only count to five, he will pick five and be perfectly happy regardless of Janie’s 20. This just shows that getting to say when is more important than the amount of time in the chair. Get it? Kids know what they need better than we do.

Grant Control and Name Strengths
If Janie’s answer to “When?” is "Never!" you know she needs more than a count of 20 to feel powerful enough to release the chair, so you change routes. This time you grant her complete control of the chair for the day and give Joey control of something else. Because children want control more than the object, when you grant full control, they are likely to be done within minutes and inviting others into their chair, which paves the way to the hidden strength: "You found a way to share!"

However, older kids who already believe they are selfish might take longer. Particularly at home with siblings, if one child finds it hard to share a certain thing with the other, say, "There must be something else you can share." Granting control over some things is often enough to allow a child to share others. There are so few ways children get to be in control, allowing them to keep some things just for themselves is a great way to help them feel powerful enough to experience their generosity, which you then get to point out as a strength. When you shift beliefs, you empower children permanently. Smooth roads ahead!

---

Sandy Blackard, parent, instructor and founder of Language of Listening ®, has a unique ability to help adults see the world the way children see it and make sense of what they think and do. She is the author of SAY WHAT YOU SEE® for Parents and Teachers and coauthor of Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Manual with Drs. Landreth, Bratton and Kellam. Sandy has provided insightful training for parents, teachers and other adults for more than 10 years using her simple but profound approach. Watch video clips, read the book, connect to her blog at: www.languageoflistening.com.

The Aha Parenting Moment I’d like to share with you today happened 14 years ago, but I remember it vividly.  My three year old son had been lobbying for a little sister.  He said – and this is embarrassing to admit – that he wanted someone to play with -- while his dad and I were on the phone.  

When I did get pregnant, I was so excited to tell him that he was going to be a big brother.  But somehow I had missed an important part of his thinking, because when he realized that the baby could be either a sister OR a brother, his face fell and he became very quiet.  “What’s the matter?”  I asked.  “You seem upset.”  

“Well,” he answered, “I GUESS it’s ok if the baby is a boy……..  We can always send it back.”
 
Of course, I worked hard not to laugh, and that story has been told many times since, in our family.  But at the time, it hit me like a flash of lightning.  In his mind, we didn’t need a boy.  We HAD a boy.  Another boy would be an indication that somehow he was inadequate.  In fact, it hurt him to think we might, even for a moment, WANT another boy. Wasn’t he enough for us?

You know that story about the man who brings home a second wife?  He tells his first wife that he loves her so much he wanted another.  He expects her to love the second wife as much as he does, to take care of her, and show her the ropes.  We often tell that story to help parents understand how their older child might feel about the new baby. I had heard this story, of course, and I understood that my son might feel some jealousy.  But it wasn’t until that Aha! Moment when I heard the raw pain in his voice, and saw the impossibility of sending the baby back, that I really understood how ALL oldest kids perceive the siblings who come into their lives.  Why should they share our excitement over these trespassers?  Why shouldn’t they be heartbroken?  Why shouldn’t they want to send them back or flush them down the toilet?  

When you look at it from their point of view, it’s amazing that fratricide isn’t more common, that all older sibs aren’t constantly pounding on their younger sibs.