Parenting Blog

Guest Blog by Sandy Blackard
author of
SAY WHAT YOU SEE
  

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Wednesday August 19
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Simple Parenting for Empowering Your Kids

On a family stay-cation you might not spend much time in the car, but you are still likely to hit some bumpy roads, like those annoying little arguments between kids. How to resolve them? Empower the kids to do it themselves with SAY WHAT YOU SEE®.  Say what you see objectively first. Then when you see something you like, name that strength; when you see something you don’t, offer a can-do.

Adding Can-Dos and Strengths
Even little kids can solve their own problems. If they argue over control of a toy or who gets to sit in the chair (that just became "THE CHAIR" by virtue of the other child sitting in it), you might want to hang back a minute like a roadwork flagman to see where it’s heading.

Kids sometimes find ways to resolve their own arguments when you add a little can-do, like “Must be something you can do to make this work.” Then you can wave them on by saying what you see and adding a strength, like "You two just found a way to work that out. That shows you are problem-solvers." Shifting beliefs makes for smoother roads next time.

Say What You See and Ask “When?”
If they are still learning to take turns or share, you can lay out a route starting with “When?" Just say what you see to state the problem objectively and then respectfully ask when the child will be done. For example, you would say to the waiting child (Joey), "She has the chair and you want it." Then turn to the child in the chair (Janie) and ask, "When will you be done?" Kids find it easier to wait if they know they will get something and when.

If the problem has escalated to yelling or hitting, flag them down with a big noise like "Whoa-ho! Sounds like something’s really wrong here!” To stay off the road repair crew, just listen, nod and restate each child’s side of the story without blaming, criticizing or trying to fix it. After both kids feel fully heard, say what you see and ask when as above.

Letting Janie establish when can meet her need for control. If she doesn’t tell time yet, you can offer a can-do of five or 10 counts. If she agrees to 10 or chooses a bigger number like 20, she will usually turn over the chair, even if the last count is a long, drawn out "T-w-e-n-n-n-n-n-t-y." Then if she wants another turn later, you ask Joey the same thing, "When will you be done?"

With little ones, this can get funny. If Joey can only count to five, he will pick five and be perfectly happy regardless of Janie’s 20. This just shows that getting to say when is more important than the amount of time in the chair. Get it? Kids know what they need better than we do.

Grant Control and Name Strengths
If Janie’s answer to “When?” is "Never!" you know she needs more than a count of 20 to feel powerful enough to release the chair, so you change routes. This time you grant her complete control of the chair for the day and give Joey control of something else. Because children want control more than the object, when you grant full control, they are likely to be done within minutes and inviting others into their chair, which paves the way to the hidden strength: "You found a way to share!"

However, older kids who already believe they are selfish might take longer. Particularly at home with siblings, if one child finds it hard to share a certain thing with the other, say, "There must be something else you can share." Granting control over some things is often enough to allow a child to share others. There are so few ways children get to be in control, allowing them to keep some things just for themselves is a great way to help them feel powerful enough to experience their generosity, which you then get to point out as a strength. When you shift beliefs, you empower children permanently. Smooth roads ahead!

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Sandy Blackard, parent, instructor and founder of Language of Listening ®, has a unique ability to help adults see the world the way children see it and make sense of what they think and do. She is the author of SAY WHAT YOU SEE® for Parents and Teachers and coauthor of Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Manual with Drs. Landreth, Bratton and Kellam. Sandy has provided insightful training for parents, teachers and other adults for more than 10 years using her simple but profound approach. Watch video clips, read the book, connect to her blog at: www.languageoflistening.com.

The Aha Parenting Moment I’d like to share with you today happened 14 years ago, but I remember it vividly.  My three year old son had been lobbying for a little sister.  He said – and this is embarrassing to admit – that he wanted someone to play with -- while his dad and I were on the phone.  

When I did get pregnant, I was so excited to tell him that he was going to be a big brother.  But somehow I had missed an important part of his thinking, because when he realized that the baby could be either a sister OR a brother, his face fell and he became very quiet.  “What’s the matter?”  I asked.  “You seem upset.”  

“Well,” he answered, “I GUESS it’s ok if the baby is a boy……..  We can always send it back.”
 
Of course, I worked hard not to laugh, and that story has been told many times since, in our family.  But at the time, it hit me like a flash of lightning.  In his mind, we didn’t need a boy.  We HAD a boy.  Another boy would be an indication that somehow he was inadequate.  In fact, it hurt him to think we might, even for a moment, WANT another boy. Wasn’t he enough for us?

You know that story about the man who brings home a second wife?  He tells his first wife that he loves her so much he wanted another.  He expects her to love the second wife as much as he does, to take care of her, and show her the ropes.  We often tell that story to help parents understand how their older child might feel about the new baby. I had heard this story, of course, and I understood that my son might feel some jealousy.  But it wasn’t until that Aha! Moment when I heard the raw pain in his voice, and saw the impossibility of sending the baby back, that I really understood how ALL oldest kids perceive the siblings who come into their lives.  Why should they share our excitement over these trespassers?  Why shouldn’t they be heartbroken?  Why shouldn’t they want to send them back or flush them down the toilet?  

When you look at it from their point of view, it’s amazing that fratricide isn’t more common, that all older sibs aren’t constantly pounding on their younger sibs.