Parenting Blog

"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting

When our kids have a melt-down, it pushes buttons for most of us.  We want to be loving parents.  Why is our child being so unreasonable? We certainly weren't indulged this way when we were little.

Many parents are tempted to send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  Eventually, she will indeed calm down, but she'll also have gotten a clear message that her anger is unacceptable, and that she's on her own when it comes to managing her big scary feelings. No wonder so many of us develop anger-management issues, whether that means we yell at our kids, or overeat to avoid acknowledging angry feelings.

So what can we do instead? We can help our kids learn to manage their anger constructively.

One of the most critical tasks of childhood is learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive anger.  Kids don't learn this through banishment, but by us teaching them to honor all their feelings, while being responsible for their actions.

When your child gets angry:

1. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there is no emergency.  Keep yourself from moving into fight or flight. (Your child is not threatening your well-being by getting angry!)

2. Remind yourself that tantrums are nature's way of helping small people let off steam.  Their brains are still developing and they don't yet have the neural pathways to control themselves as we do. (The best way to help them develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, during the tantrum and at other times.) It's ok, even good, for them to tantrum, as long as they feel safe and accepted. Usually after we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel better inside, and they go on to have a much better day,

3. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper unhappiness like hurt, fear or sadness. All of us get angry, and little ones get angry more often.  That's because the happiness of all small children, to some degree, depends on them getting what they want. Losses and disappointments can feel like the end of the world to a child, and kids will do anything to fend off these intolerable feelings, so they cry and rage and lash out.  If they feel safe expressing their anger, they will move into the more threatening feelings underneath.  That's when they collapse into our arms and cry.

4. Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe, while acknowledging the anger.  "I see you are really angry. You wish you could get what you want right now. I'm so sorry, but you can't have that. You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not ok, no matter how upset you are. It's ok to show me how mad you are. You can scream and stomp and push on me if you want."

5. Keep yourself safe.  Kids often benefit from pushing against us, so if you can tolerate it, that's fine to allow, even good. But if your kid is hitting you, hold his wrist and say "I don't think I want that fist so close to me.  I see how angry you are.  You can hit the pillow, or push on me, but I won't let you hurt me."  Kids don't want to hurt us -- it makes them feel terrible afterwords.

6. Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I won't let you hurt me, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  I'll stay with you while you have these big feelings. Whenever you're ready for a hug, I'm here." If he yells at you to "Go away!" say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back a step, ok?  I won't leave you alone with these upsetting feelings, but I will move back."

6. Don't try to reason or explain.  When she's awash in adrenaline and other fight or flight reactions is not the time to explain why sugar is bad for her or get her to admit that she actually loves her little sister.  Acknowledge her upset and reassure her that you will stay with her until she calms down.

7. Don't try to evaluate whether he's over-reacting.  Of course he's over-reacting -- he's so little!  But remember also that small children experience daily hurts and fears that they can't verbalize and that we don't even notice.  They store them up and then look for an opportunity to "discharge" them. So if your kid has a meltdown over the blue cup and you really can't go right now to get the red cup out of the car, it's ok to just lovingly welcome his meltdown. You can usually tell when your child just needs to cry.  

8. Acknowledging his anger will help him calm down a bit. Then help him get under his anger. Make eye contact. "I hear you are so angry you want to hit. I wonder if you are also sad. You really wanted that. You feel so sad and disappointed that you can't have that." Once you recognize the feelings under the anger, he will probably pause in his anger and you will see some vulnerability or even tears. "I wonder if you are so sad it makes you want to cry. That's ok. Everyone feels that way sometimes. We all need to be held so we can cry sometimes. You feel so sad...."

Gradually, your child will internalize the ability to weather disappointment, and learn that while he cannot always get what he wants, he can always get something better -- someone who loves and accepts all of him, including the yucky parts like rage and disappointment.

“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born.  At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me.  I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.”  Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie

What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings.  He showed her these feelings by hitting her.  She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it.  That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger.  It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded.  The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer.  He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.

Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.

When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.  It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you. 

This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids.  They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through.  Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling.  Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem.  Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.

But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did?  He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go.  You might say:

"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry.  Everyone is sad sometimes.  I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."

Or "All of a sudden you seem angry.  You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok.  Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad." 

Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings.  If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me.  Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you.  You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him,  You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are.  Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.

After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.

"You got to accent...uate the positive, elim..inate the negative ... latch on...to the affirmative..."  -- Johnny Mercer

Want to try an experiment that will transform your child’s behavior in a week?  Step one is to accentuate the positive.  Acknowledge  every positive thing your child does with as much enthusiasm, appreciation and specificity as you can.  Do this as many times a day as you can catch your child doing something right, accompanied frequently by an affectionate hug.

"You and your sister played so happily together this afternoon."
“I’m so pleased with how you picked up all your toys!  You must be so proud of yourself!”
“The dog loves it when you feed her.  Look how happy she is!”

Step Two?  Eliminate the negative!  No matter how bad your child’s negative behavior, keep your emotional response flat as you set limits. No punishment, just limits.  Staying calm is tough, but kids live off our emotional energy.  If they get it only for positive behavior, not for negatives, they'll repeat the positive behavior.  The negative behavior will diminish and eventually disappear as the child develops a positive self image.

Fair warning: Intense kids need lots of intense energy, so muster all the enthusiasm you can.
What do you have to lose?

"If you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with others.  Children are born completely powerless.  They're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda.  In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.  They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative.  That's when they're ready to cooperate.

When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice the deeper need they're trying to fill.

Kids who compete with siblings often need to feel more valued for who they are.
Kids who keep pushing for limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them safe.
Kids who "don't listen" often don't feel heard.
Kids who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful and competent.
Kids who are always cranky usually need more sleep.
Kids who disrespect you are always showing you they don't feel connected enough to you.

What can you do to address that deeper need behind your child's behavior?