Parenting Blog

"When children feel their needs really matter to their parents, they can meet their parents with cooperation."  -- Sura Hart

When kids think they have to fight to get their needs met, everything becomes a fight.  When kids feel powerless to convince us their needs are legitimate, they whine. 

The foolproof way to get kids cooperating is to partner with them so everyone's needs get met. "You want to go to the playground.  I need to run some errands and get us home in time for the baby's nap.  If you get dressed quickly so we can get going, and help me with the errands, we should have time to stop at the playground for forty minutes on our way home. Win-win! Ok?"  Before you know it, your kids will be bringing you solutions that meet both your needs and theirs.

Of course, not all wants are needs.  But when we meet kids' deeper needs to be seen, appreciated, and connected, they're happier and more cooperative, so we can better distinguish their needs from the fleeting desires they think will make them happy. 

"You want to go to the playground.  Today I need to grocery shop and get us home in time for the baby's nap, so there's no time for the playground. I know that's disappointing.  Do you think during the baby's nap you and I can spend some special time together playing that new game? And having your help while we shop would get us home faster.  You're the best at keeping the baby happy while we shop!"

Win-win sure beats whining and fighting.  As my son used to say as a preschooler: "We're all happy now!"

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom. 

Instead of making her feel bad about herself, Reframe:  This "weakness" is of great value if she can learn to manage it.  How can you help her do that?

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word:  "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.
We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.
We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.
Our "No" is actually a big "YES!."
It's an awesome, pure expression of our life force.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted.  In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos."

Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed.  Do you remember your father or mother saying:
"Oh, thank you for expressing your No so passionately!"
"I so appreciate your affirming your autonomy so directly!"

More common messages are along the lines of:
"Do what I tell you!"
"Don't you dare talk back!"
There may the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force.  There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's.  We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, manipulation, or very often, actual denial of our needs.

So when our little one falls in love with the word NO! alarm bells start ringing for us.  We think we MUST teach him who's in charge, right away.

But this isn't about who is in charge.  Your child knows you're in charge.  This is about your child's right to his feelings, even while you honor your responsibility to keep him safe and healthy.

Can you say "No" in a way that honors your own truth, while still staying in positive contact with your child? Your "No" doesn't need to be a bludgeon— simply a strong statement of your position in a duet dance of negotiation.  Here's how:

1. Don't take it personally.  This isn't about you or your rules.

2. Remember that this is a positive developmental stage that is giving your child the ability to stand up for his own truth later in life.

3. Sidestep the NO! by giving your child a choice.  He says NO! to a bath?  Ask him if he wants to fly up the stairs or dance up.

4. Sidestep the NO! by making your request into a game.  "Climb on my back, Cowboy, we're headed for the bathtub in the hills!"

5. Sidestep the NO! by honoring his autonomy without giving up your request.  "NO Bath right now?  Ok, Sweetie.  But when you're ready, you can look at the plastic containers in the kitchen and be in charge of which ones you want to play with in the tub."  You won't be able to restrain him from the bath.

6. Use reverse psychology.  "Whatever you do, DON"T get in the bathtub.  NO, NO, NO, don't turn on the water!! NO, NO, NO, don't take off your clothes!!"

7. Remember that you can always find a way to meet both your needs.  If you keep your sense of humor, and honor both your own NO and your child's, you can always find a way to get past the word NO --  to the YES! energy right behind it. 

(Special thanks to Robert Gass, who inspired today's message.)  

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.