Parenting Blog

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."-- Harold Hulbert

You know how important it is to manage your kid's life so his basic needs get met and he behaves better.  Predictable routines, plenty of sleep, downtime, cuddles and quality connection time all help kids be at their best.  But every child has times when life just seems too much for them, and they can't behave the way they'd like. That's when they act most childish (just like adults!).

We all know that when we respond to those difficult times by losing our cool, tempers escalate and a small storm can turn into a full-scale tornado that sweeps all our good intentions away. What can you do to keep your cool and settle your child down? Here's your five-step plan.

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty.You can't act much nicer than you feel.  If your own cup is empty, how can you give to your child?  Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself – and rise to the occasion when he signals he needs you by misbehaving. Can't find a way to let the sun in?  You owe your child, and yourself, a change.  You're the grown-up, so get whatever help you need to show up with unconditional love for your child.

2. Stop, Drop and Breathe.Train yourself: As soon as you feel temperatures rising, just stop.  Drop whatever you’re doing, whether that means turning off the stove, pulling the car to the side of the road, or telling your friend you’ll call her back. Then take a few deep breaths. This calms you physically, so your mind has a chance to keep your body from moving into fight mode.

3. Remind yourself:  This is an opportunity, not an emergency.  An opportunity for what?  Getting closer to your child by helping her work through whatever’s bothering her – and teaching her to manage her emotions by role-modeling emotional intelligence. Kids learn more by watching our behavior than by what we say. However you act with your child when she's four is how she'll act with you when she's fourteen. Wouldn’t you rather have a teenager who helps you calm down rather than one who screams at you?

4. Watch your tone and bite your tongue, if necessary. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. When we use swear words or other highly charged words, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates. Think your child needs to learn a lesson?  It's more likely to stick if you wait until you calm down to teach it.

5. It’s never too late. If you suddenly realize you’ve been hijacked by your own emotions, just stop.  Breathe.  Shake out your hands to let some of that anger drain out.  Say “Mommy needs to calm down” and walk away if necessary.  The more often you can stop in mid-scream, the more often you’ll find you can cool down before you even open your mouth.

When things heat up, these five steps can seem impossible.  But if you just keep practicing, they become second nature, and the whole tone in your home gets sunnier. Start now with Step 1, to be sure your own cup is full. Next time your child "provokes you,"  you'll be able to rise to the occasion and avert the stormy weather.

May your weekend be filled with sunshine -- and miracles, large and small.

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

"Looking back, I cannot recall any crisis that wasn't 75% ‘age-appropriate behavior.’  There is no doubt that it helped if I behaved with sensitivity and compassion, and that it hindered growth when I behaved hysterically and stupidly, but really and truly, a lot of it was just a matter of learning to wait, having faith in my daughter's innate capacity for growing and changing." — Eda LeShan  

The definition of child is an immature human being, so you can expect a lot of immature behavior.  If you're expecting anything else, you'll be making yourself and your child miserable.

The parents' job is to have faith in our children's growth and eventual maturity, even when they're stuck in the frustrations of their current age. When that gets hard, remember that you grew up and came out ok. And your child is almost certainly getting better parenting than you had.

Be reasonable. They're kids. And, like you, they're human. Don’t expect perfection, from your kids or yourself, and keep your priorities straight. Your child is taking shape before your very eyes. Her messy room matters much less than how she treats her little brother.

Children need to know that they don’t make mistakes because they're bad, but because they're human, and, in many cases, because they're children. This is especially important when she feels bad about her progress.  “Soon you'll make it to the potty every time...You're learning more every day...You're getting better and better at that....I know you didn’t mean to yell at your sister when you got upset...When I was your age, I remember how hard it was to learn to ride a bike but I just kept practicing and it got easier all the time...Practice makes perfect...Nobody bats 1000....Don't worry, it will get easier as you get older.”

Every age has its ups and downs.  As the mother of an 18 year old who's off to college, I guarantee you that someday you'll look back and wish you could enjoy just one more day of your child at whatever age he or she is now. 

Why wait?  Why not rejoice in who your child is, today?

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn

Today we're exploring the 7th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010:

Commit to guidance rather than punishment. 

What kind of kid do you want to raise?  Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.

The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once. Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.

So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.

But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier.  Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior.  But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.

So how can you help kids behave without punishment?

1. Lead by loving example.  That means managing your own unruly emotions and speaking respectfully to your child.

2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior.

5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close relationship.

6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”).

7. Help your child learn to manage his own emotions.

8. Remember that kids need to feel like they can be themselves and still be loved. Being themselves means being age-appropriate, which always includes asserting some control over their own lives. Stick to your guns on what's most important, which is the way your child treats others, but give where you can, and always give choices.

9. Model "win-win" problem solving. You can always find a solution that everyone can live with.

10. Resist the urge to make your child wrong. You're the grown up. You have nothing to prove.  But you do have a responsibility to be the guide through this territory of life, which means modeling maturity and compassion.

Sound hard? I'm afraid it is. The catch is obvious: The parent has to be the one who changes first. We can't indulge in blame and punishment, we have to be more patient, we have to work with our child to solve problems and get everyone's needs met. But the payoff is huge. Because once we change, our child changes.

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

P.S. All the links above will help you put these ideas into practice. For more support, please join me on my next teleseminar, where I'll be answering questions about how to make all this work at your house!