Parenting Blog

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

Today we're exploring the sixth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010!:

Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior.

Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but he has a reason, and it’s what’s motivating his behavior. 

If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already, right?  Berating, nagging, and criticizing actually add to the problem by making him defensive. Only by addressing the underlying need can we participate in the solution and change our child’s behavior. 

Does that mean you shouldn't get annoyed?  You probably can't avoid it, if you're human.  But it's possible to transform your annoyance, which will make you more effective in redirecting your child's behavior. 

How? By remembering that your kid is just trying to meet legitimate human needs, like the rest of us -- except in an immature way (because, by definition, a child is an immature human). By seeing all "misbehavior" as an SOS.

What kinds of needs are we talking about?  Attention, self-determination, food, sleep, physical activity, physical affection, love, power (everyone needs to feel like they can have an impact on their world!).  All the needs that motivate all humans. But often what lies behind our kids' most irritating behaviors are these questions: 

• "Do you love me?"
• "Do you see me?"
• "Do you know how much I need you?"
• "Can I be wholly myself and still be acceptable to you?"

Kids who don't have to fight to get their needs met mature faster, so their needs are expressed with more maturity. And parents who address kids’ needs pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.

And, miracle of miracles, you'll start to get Care Packages -- your child responding to YOUR needs -- among those SOS behaviors.

"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman

Today we're exploring the fifth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!:

 Commit to teaching emotional intelligence.

Most new parents consciously strive to nurture their baby's intelligence. But in all the hoopla over the ineffectiveness of Baby Einstein tapes, we're missing the big story:  Emotional Intelligence is much more critical to your child's future than intellectual intelligence.

Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger in order to work through a marital conflict, managing fear in order to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life much more fundamentally than his IQ. Even as a youngster, your child's ability to read the cues of other children will make the difference between being able to join in the festivities at a birthday party and  make friends versus being a social outcast.  In fact, psychologists have come to call this ability EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient.

What are the core components of high EQ?  Emotional self knowledge and self acceptance, sensitivity to the cues of others,  empathy (which can be defined as the ability to see and feel something from the other’s point of view), and the ability to regulate one’s own anxiety in order to talk about emotionally charged issues in a constructive way.

How do you teach emotional intelligence? You see every "difficult" emotion expressed by your child as an opportunity.

1. Empathize. Even if you can't "do anything" about your child's upsets, empathize. Kids develop empathy by experiencing it from others. And just being understood helps humans to let go of troubling emotions. If your child's upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then we're free to feel good and move on.

2. Remember that little ones can't differentiate between their emotions and their "selves." Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. ("You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don't hit, but let's tell him in words that he isn't to hurt you.")

3. Give your kids words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”), which is the first step for kids in learning to manage the emotions that overpower them.

4. Look for the needs behind feelings. "Troublesome" feelings signal a need.  Shutting down the feelings doesn't get rid of the need, or the feeling. In fact, repressed feelings tend to pop out unmodulated, for instance when your otherwise well-behaved toddler socks her little brother.  Instead, address the need, whether it be for power ("You want to do it yourself!"), connection ("Starting school is fun, but you miss time with Mommy. Let's snuggle and play together every day after school for a bit"), or sleep ("You're having a hard time this morning.  I think everything is a bit too much for you because we all got to bed late last night and didn't get quite enough sleep. Maybe we need to spend some cozy time this morning on the couch reading a pile of books.")

5. When a desire can't be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through "wish fulfillment" (“You wish you could have a cookie.. I bet you could gobble ten cookies right now!”), then find a way to meet the deeper need ("I think you're hungry.  It's almost time for dinner but you can't wait.  Let's find a snack that makes your body feel better.")

6. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness. Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions and try to address them. ("You hate the new baby? I hear you. I see how mad you are at me for spending time with the baby.  You liked it better when it was just you and me. You feel so sad that things are different now and I am so busy with the baby.  Come snuggle with me and I will hold you and you can feel your sad and mad feelings. When you're ready I will kiss your nose and toes and we can play baby games, just you and me.")

7. Don't take it personally, and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate.  Your child has big feelings. They aren't about you, even when they're yelling "I hate you!" It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.  When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try to hear that as information about her -- at this moment she feels like she's never understood -- rather than about you. Model emotional self-management by simply taking a deep breath and trying to see it from her perspective. Remind yourself that it's hard to be a kid.  She doesn't yet have the internal resources to manage her emotions -- but you do, right? 

7. Don't get lost in emotion. Emotions are a message, not a place to wallow. Teach your kids to notice them, breathe through them, NOT necessarily act on them, then problem-solve and move on. 

Emotion-coaching begins with managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  Tough? Yes, because most of us weren't raised this way ourselves. 

Have you noticed the silver lining? We get a chance to grow in emotional intelligence ourselves.  So if you got swatted instead of understood when you were a kid, it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

"Children learn what they live." --Dorothy Law Nolte

Today we're exploring the fourth commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  (You can find details on the earlier commitments on my blog.)

 Commit to role-modeling RESPECT.

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect, while offering the understanding that your child is obviously upset to speak like this, and as always you're there to support him.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention. If your child lashes out at you, that's a symptom of pain that you want to address.

3. When your child speaks disrespectfully, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying warmly connected to your child. Say in the kindest voice you can manage:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Of course, if you've been speaking to your child in a disrespectul tone (and yes, that includes yelling), this only works if you resolve now to stop.  Just start catching yourself in the middle of yelling, and closing your mouth.  Walk out of the room if you need to ("I'm sorry I'm yelling.  I don't want us to speak to each other this way.  I need to take a few minutes to calm down and then we'll try again.")

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we teach them it's ok to treat others that way.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we role model disrespectful behavior and insure that it will continue. 

If, instead, we greet their upset with kindness and caring, it immediately de-escalates the situation and highlights their rudeness as inappropriate.  Once kids get used to being treated this way, they usually calm down quickly and offer an unprompted apology.

Sound hard? Yes. This is the hardest stuff there is -- managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  But my experience is that any parent can make this transition and change the tone in their house to one of respect and warmth. And that's a miracle worth creating.

"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon

What did you learn before you were eight?  That you're a capable person, worthy of adoring love and an abundant life, lovable exactly as you are, even with all of your messy imperfections, bodily functions, anger, fear, and neediness?  Or maybe that you somehow aren't lovable enough to have your needs completely met, that some of your feelings and body parts are shameful, that harsh words or even blows might rain down on you at any time?

I'm hoping the former.  But if you're like most of us, you learned some things before you were eight that no child should learn, that no adult should be carrying around as motivating beliefs. Most of us have long since driven those unbearable thoughts into the dark regions of half-memory, or tried to cover them with bravado, but that only increases their power, unfortunately. 

The good news is that you have the secret weapon to get rid of those untruths, and it doesn't take years of therapy.  Here's how:

1. Notice the places in your life where you're unhappy, stuck, worried.  What's the limiting belief?  (Hint: Regardless of the original situation, the bottom line is always that we aren't good enough or lovable enough, which will cause us to be abandoned and die.)

2. Feel that unbearable feeling.  Just stop, drop, and endure it for a couple of minutes. Breathe. Notice that while it would have been unbearable for a child, it's not unbearable now. 

3. Give yourself a new thought:  "I am more than enough, exactly as I am." Let that love sink into every cell of your body.

That's it.  Shining the light of awareness on our toxic beliefs -- by simply noticing them, tolerating the feelings, and correcting the limiting belief  -- makes them dry up and blow away.  Of course, messages we got before we were eight might take repeated sessions. 

Which is why I've been focusing so much lately on supporting you in speaking gently to your children.  Whether they're four or fourteen, your words have tremendous power with them.  What beliefs do you want your child carrying for the rest of his or her life? This is your chance to work miracles.

"The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it." -- Mack R. Douglas

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."-- Bo Jackson

"It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much." -- Nancy Samalin

Next time your kid is pushing your buttons and driving you crazy, try committing yourself.  No, not to a mental institution.  To being a parent who doesn't yell.

Research shows that when we consciously, verbally "commit" ourselves to a course of action we're likely to achieve it, especially if we work at it daily.  By contrast, simply "wishing" something would be different, or even "regretting" things we've done, doesn't usually change a thing.

So if you want to be a parent who doesn't yell, start today.  Commit yourself.  And then watch how resourceful you become in meeting your goal.

Step One? Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing.  That's not what I recommend.  You can't act much nicer than you feel.  So after you commit yourself, the first step in becoming a parent who doesn't yell is taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to take care of yourself today, so you feel happier and less stressed?  Can you do it right now? If not now, when?