Parenting Blog

“You’ll make mistakes, sure, but you desire to do the best you can for him. He knows that and it’ll make all the difference in the world for him.” -- Karen Reime 

Most of us find it easy to express love for our kids when things are going right. But when they do things we don't like, we assume we have to withdraw our love to show our disappointment in our child.  That's the best way to change their behavior, right?

Actually, no.  Like the rest of us, kids change because they're motivated to change and believe they can.  In other words, they're motivated by wanting to please us, and they need confidence they can live up to our expectations. 

Kids who already feel we're not on their side, and they're always disappointing us, just give up.  You can usually tell when your child gives up because she gets defiant, or because you're disciplining more, rather than less.  (When kids know we're on their side and believe they can please us, discipline becomes rare, and mild.)

So the first step in influencing our child's behavior is reaffirming the connection, letting him know we're on his side.  The next step is offering whatever support is necessary for him to achieve the desired behavior, so that he thinks of himself as a kid who can please us, rather than a kid who is always disappointing us.

How?  Psychologists call it scaffolding, but you can think of it as insuring your kid is on the right path by rewarding every step in the right direction.  More on that tomorrow.

“You don't start training a killer whale by hanging a bucket of fish 22 feet high and commanding Shamu to jump.  Even though Shamu may want the fish, the proper connections have not yet been linked up with the sequence of development of Shamu's natural talents....The trainers actually started out with the rope under the water, at the bottom of the tank. Shamu was appreciated, patted, loved and rewarded when he first happened to cruise over the rope accidentally.  Once Shamu had experienced rewards every time he passed over the rope, he began to make the connection: if I swim over this twisted thing, I get a snack and lots of love.  At this point, the trainers could begin, slowly and incrementally, to raise the rope.  Hallelujah! The willingness of the trainers to start with the rope at the bottom, creating succesess that would not otherwise exist, directly leads to a faster path of learning...” -- Howard Glasser

So often in my coaching sessions with parents, I hear about a child who is well down a path none of us would want for our children.  It's not impossible to turn kids around and get them onto a better path.  But it's a whole lot harder than making sure they start out on the right path to begin with.

In yesterday's email, we talked about how to motivate kids to change their behavior. I promised that today we'd look at how to offer your child whatever support is necessary for him to achieve a desired behavior, so that he thinks of himself as a kid who can please us, rather than a kid who is always disappointing us.

Psychologists call this scaffolding, meaning that parents offer the child the necessary structure for her to develop a new behavioral habit. But we could think of it as starting the rope in the water, and then rewarding our child every time he passes over it, and very slowly raising that rope.  In other words, you get your child on the right path by rewarding every step in the right direction. 

I know, you think your kid should already be falling asleep by himself at night, using the toilet, taking responsibility for his own homework, _______________(fill in the blank.)  But as with Shamu, kids don't learn by being criticized for failing. They learn when we start from where they are and help them to succeed, one step at a time.  I'm not for a minute suggesting you should lower your standards. I'm suggesting that you help your child meet your high standards by starting where he is and teaching him how to get himself there. 

With sleep, we teach them to fall asleep by themselves one step at a time.
With potty training, we give our child the experience of success by letting her drive the process.
With homework, we begin by being present while all the homework is done, insuring understanding, gradually stepping back as our child takes more and more responsibility.

In each case, this "scaffolding" takes more effort from us. But the end result is that our child internalizes a feeling of accomplishment that strengthens her character, her confidence, and her ability to manage herself. Your child  becomes motivated to please you -- and herself.  Discipline becomes unnecessary. Your child is on the right path.

Guest Blog by Judy Arnall
Author of Discipline Without Distress

Listen live to Judy Arnall on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday October 21
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

Parents and children today face very different challenges from those faced by the previous generation. Today's children play not only in the sandbox down the street, but also in the World Wide Web, which is too big and complex for parents to control and supervise. As young as age four, your children can contact the world, and the world can contact them. A strong bond between you and your child is critical in order for your child to regard you as their trusted advisor. Traditional discipline methods no longer work with today's children, and they destroy your ability to influence your increasingly vulnerable children who need you as their lifeline! Spanking and time-outs do not work. You need new discipline tools!

Discipline is proactive and involves prevention, and also teaches correct behavior by focusing on what to do in the future. Punishment is reactive and tries to correct past behavior by hurting a child so that he will be deterred from doing the same thing in the future. It doesn't, however, teach alternative behavior.

Children under the age of five generally cooperate with parents' directives about 40 percent of the time. So, 60 percent of the time, they don't listen. That's normal!

For the parent of a preschooler, a daily routine encompasses about 50 directives from the parent from the minute the child gets up in the morning until bedtime. That's a lot of requests. It's no wonder there are days when they just don't want to cooperate.

Keep your parenting positive by dealing with your emotions first. If you are angry at what you see, take a few moments to calm yourself down so you don't end up yelling. When you are in a better space, you can deal with your child and the situation more effectively.

When you discipline children, you are dealing with two elements: the emotional upset of the child and the behavior. Using punishment techniques, such as time-outs, only deals with the behavior and not the emotional aspect. If the emotions are not addressed, the behavior often continues.

When you say no and he responds with hitting, kicking, and yelling, allow him his feelings, and help him to calm down if he will let you. Deal with the emotions first and behavior later. Don't change your no to a yes to avoid his reaction. Give him the message that you are okay with all his feelings and the answer is still no in spite of his behavior. He needs to know that you are not afraid of his anger.

When the heat of the moment has subsided and everyone is calm, then it's a great time to talk about alternatives to his kicking and hitting, and have him help you clean up whatever mess he made in the course of his tantrum. These are natural consequences.

Children usually help you clean up when you don't insist in the emotional heat of the moment. When they are calm, they can clearly see the damage they caused and usually want to make some restitution. You both can come up with ideas of what he could do instead of kicking and yelling the next time. You are helping him come up with a plan to handle frustration when his goals are being thwarted, and this is a life skill he will need. At many times in our lives we hear no and we have to handle it like an adult. Don't expect perfection from a four-year-old. It takes many practices to handle a no with maturity and aplomb, and many adults are still mastering it.

When someone comes over and he acts up for the first half-hour, again, remember that it is a very normal behavior. Many children do that. Perhaps increase your tolerance for his zest. As long as he isn't breaking anything, he may need to expend more energy during that transition time. Get him a mini trampoline to bounce on in the basement. Perhaps take him to the playground before company comes. Keep on teaching him how to handle and pet animals gently. He will eventually get it.

Lastly, many parents become exasperated and yell. However, we have to model how to deal with our anger, as that's what we are teaching the children. The next time you are tempted to yell, take deep breaths and count to ten. Remember that you are modeling anger management to a very impressionable young man. To sum up, remember to stay calm. Get him calm. Then deal with the situation or problem. This works much better in getting behavior change in the long run than applying punishment, and it leaves your relationship intact.

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Judy Arnall is the author of Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.  Judy is a Professional Member of The Canadian Association of Professional Speakers and is a well-known Canadian expert on parenting information, having given advice for television interviews on Global TV, Shaw TV, CTV and national magazines such as Chatelaine, Today's Parent, Canadian Living, Globe and Mail Newspaper, Natural Parenting, ParentsCanada and Canadian Family Magazine. She is a regular contributor to Calgary's Child Magazine for the past twelve years, a regular guest on Global TV for the past five years, and a discipline/behaviour expert at Mothering Magazine Online. Judy has delivered hundreds of parent education sessions to thousands of parents and teaches Parent Effectiveness Training at The University of Calgary.  She lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada with her husband and five children.

Listen to Naomi Aldort  live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 30
MyExpertSolution.com (scroll down to "Radio Shows" and click on "Listen Live")
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

Many attachment parents call me in bewilderment when their child's behavior or development does not meet their expectations. "I did everything right for her!" says a young mother, "She was born peacefully, I carried her all the time, and she is still nursing and sleeping with us. Now that she is two years old, I am just not sure what to expect, or how to deal with her many needs." Some parents have specific questions about eating, sharing, cooperation and developmental stages. Others simply aren't sure how much to limit, and how much freedom to provide. These issues can indeed be perplexing. We have no role models to follow, as most of us are not following in our parents’ footsteps.

We all love our children and want the best for them. We want to follow our hearts, our intuition, and most of all, our children's cues. At times, our own childhood may make it difficult for us. Even the best and most loving parents sometimes respond to their children in a less then loving and kind way. This often stems from past hurts being restimulated by the child. How can we learn to care for our children in a loving way, without the interference of our own past painful memories?

Attachment parenting is the shortest route to knowing a child's needs, and trusting and responding to their cues is the best way to avoid mingling our own issues with their care. Yet even then, we sometimes miss. It is relatively easy to trust a baby: nurse, change, burp, rock, sleep. As the little newcomer starts acquiring physical independence, things may flow just as easily, or she may take a direction that bewilders us, and we are not sure what to allow and what to restrict.

Toddlers need our leadership. They need clear, gentle guidance as well as our support and our "vote of confidence". The beauty of being a leader is that the best way to lead is actually to follow.

When a young mother consulted me on how to stop her 2-year-old son from throwing his spoon and fork on the floor after each meal, I asked her how she was feeling about his behavior. She said she had been grinding her teeth with anger and frustration while trying to prevent him from developing bad table manners. But as she listened to her own inner conversation, she was able to separate her emotional reactions from the real needs of her child. She remembered the pain of feeling "used" as though she was the "slave" in her family. She recalled having to do chores she hated to do, and being scolded and shamed when she didn't do them well enough. She also remembered the pain inflicted on her if she acted with childlike freedom, and the inner fear that prevented her from being fully curious and vivacious as she grew up.

As she realized that her negative reaction to her son’s behavior was based on her own past hurts, she could see what was really going on for him: he wasn't exhibiting "bad table manners"; he was a young scientist, experimenting with gravity. When she was able to see things from her son’s point of view, she could then marvel at and enjoy his experiments as well as his other creative ideas. She could then play with him: she picked up the silverware, handed it back, and he dropped it again and again. They could both laugh at this, because she was going with, and not against, his need.

Not surprisingly, the "throwing spoon and fork on the floor" game disappeared by itself as her little boy became interested in other things and activities. His general behavior improved, and his mother’s ability to enjoy him grew by leaps and bounds. She learned to see her son as an individual with his own perspective and his own motives. Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to their needs fully during each stage of life, they can be done with that stage and move on.

Empowering responsibility

My son Oliver, at age 2, was sitting in my lap to be read to. As soon as he was done with one book, he wanted another. I kissed him and said: "Put this book back in its place and bring whatever you want to read". This was no difficult task, and he did so with a smile on his face. Oliver's days are full of small and achievable tasks. Shoes come off when we enter the house. Then they go in the entry closet. Each toy is put away before choosing another one. Their father and I help, as needed, to keep things joyful and accomplishable.

Sometimes the mess is too overwhelming and I end up doing much of it by myself. My commitment to order, self-discipline, and responsibility is being modeled with, or without, my children’s participation. Watching me clean up the food that spilled on the floor, or voluntarily helping me with this task (at his request), are much better teaching tools for Oliver than being coerced to do it by himself before he is truly ready for that stage. Similarly, my gentle tone of voice, and my generosity and kindness in responding to his needs teach him what a million words would fail to convey.

By age 3, Oliver was asking me to clean up if food fell off the plate. He already cared. Yet my other children did not internalize that attitude until much later. Each child has a different built-in time-table of development. In a relationship built upon attachment, children internalize all the nuances of our ways of being, because they trust us. When we are self-disciplined, they follow our lead. When they experience our kindness and gratitude toward them, they become kind themselves, and when they watch our cooperation with each other and with them, they learn to cooperate.

Some people may say "No, my child doesn't seem to learn". In answer, I can assure them that he may not have learned yet, and he will. When he is full-size, he will be close to behaving like an adult. He may not live up to all of his parents’ expectations, instead he will live up to his own: to grow, to fulfill himself, to belong and to contribute. He will be uniquely himself.

A parent may have a "spirited" child, or may see her child as "different, not like others". Each child is indeed unique. A parent can be attached, meet a child’s needs, be kind and loving, and still have unexpected difficulties. Some children simply have an unusual "blueprint of being". In such situations, parents may need help to learn to recognize the needs of their child. Children communicate in ways that are not always clear to parents. Although learning the special language of one’s child is easiest through attachment parenting, even then we can sometimes lose sight of the child’s inner reality.

Saying "yes" most of the time builds trust and cooperation

When a child becomes demanding, whiny, or less responsive, she is most likely feeling frustrated by unmet needs. The child's tolerance to frustration and to "not getting her way", has a lot to do with the degree to which she feels that life generally flows with, and not against, her needs. We need to say "yes" to our children's needs as much as possible, and when that is not possible, we can still say "yes" to their feelings.

To respect and meet their needs is the best way to assure happy and cooperative children. Play and experimentation are the "job descriptions" of a toddler, and he needs our vote of confidence in him. Making a sculpture out of mashed potatoes harms no one, is low-cost, and cleanable. Running away from us at bedtime is an invitation for play, and taking apart an old phone is a learning adventure. Most no’s can turn into yes’s easily: "Yes, you like to cut books, here is a magazine you can cut."; "I see you are making a lake out of your juice. Here, let me move your project to the sink."; "Yes, you love to paint on the wall, here is a big sheet of paper." and "Yes, you can play with the phone." (I unplugged it).

When it is painless, safe, and simple to clean, we can be leaders by providing tools and by removing obstacles. Doing so helps the child feel worthy and helps her to trust our leadership, guidance, and intentions. She then responds to our leadership, not out of fear or intimidation, but simply because she wants to respond to us as lovingly as we have responded to her.

Providing leadership in tough moments

A three-year-old girl had a swim in Mom's arms, which she greatly enjoyed. When she was finished with swimming, she asked to be dressed and to play on the grass. As soon as she was out and dressed, she started whining, "Mom, I want to go home now". Her mother told her that it was her brother's turn to swim, and that when he was done in 5 or10 minutes, they would go home.

The little girl was adamant: "NOW!" she screamed. "I want to go home NOW!". This mother wanted to meet the needs of both children. She validated her daughter’s feelings while touching her gently: "You want to go home now, and we are not going yet. You are sad and crying." The little girl asked once more to go home and met with her mother's validation, but not with any change of plans. Once her need for empathy was fulfilled, she stopped crying and played happily the rest of the time.

For many parents, the story is reversed: a child does not want to leave. The challenge is the same, however. The child wants something that is not possible, will be at the expense of another child, is unhealthful, or is otherwise not available. Parents may feel anxious to supply everything the child asks for, and can experience panic in the face of an upset or crying child. Being on our child's side does not always mean it is possible to give them their wish. Most verbal youngsters are able to handle the simple limits of reality as long as we show them that we genuinely care and understand their feelings.

When will they learn to "behave"?

Parental expectations may be the greatest obstacle to a child's development and a prime cause of difficulties. Children are doing their absolute best to learn, to imitate our modeling, and to please us. We can trust them and guide them based on their readiness. They have a huge job ahead of them: becoming adults. They are in a rush and going as fast as they possibly can. Indicating to a child a need to grow even faster, can only lead to failure experiences and low self-esteem.

What leads most often to difficulty are the common parenting techniques of punishment, including threats, deprivations, time-outs, bribes, insults, shouting, scolding, inducement of guilt, and other attempts at controlling the child. The best thing we can do as parents to ensure that our children will grow into compassionate, communicative, responsible, caring and considerate adults is to treat them with those same qualities, and then trust them to model our behavior at their own pace.

Nursing on demand, holding, responding to cries, and co-sleeping form only a part of attachment parenting. A child will speak in a gentle tone if he hears his parents speaking kindly to him, and to others. He is likely to keep things neat if he has experienced others’ commitment to their surroundings. He will learn to share from being shared with, and from being respected when he is not ready to share. He will learn to say "thank you" by receiving and observing many expressions of gratitude. The only way to know when to expect the development of certain behaviors is by observation of the child. In the meantime, parents can lead not by controlling or instructing, but rather by example and clear, gentle guidance.

Here is a "declaration of complete confidence in children":

1. Adult-like behavior matures by the time we are adults.

2. No expectations means no disappointments for us, and no damaging pressures for our children.

3. Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.

4. Trust... and wait.

5. Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child's sense of self.

6. Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be - he will never be this age again.

7. Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.

8. Celebrate your child's uniqueness as well as your own.

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   Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns. She offers Phone counseling, Teleclasses, Free Newsletter, and CDs of her speaking at www.AuthenticParent.com.

   From infants and toddlers to children and teens, Aldort’s guidance takes the struggle out of parenting. Instead of ways of controlling, she provides tools of understanding and responding to your baby and child so she can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to, of her own free will.  Naomi’s SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication combined

   ©Copyright Naomi Aldort.  Reprinted and adapted with permission of the author from "Kangaroo Kids", newsletter of Northwest Attachment Parenting, Issue 27, Autumn 1998.

"When we demonstrate love and respect, that's what we get back. Love and respect are automatic when you say what you see." -- Sandra R. Blackard

1. How can I get my kid to behave?
2. How can I build a close relationship with my child?
3. How can I insure my kid will have good self-esteem?
4. How can I increase my child's intelligence?
5. How can I teach my kids to get along with each other and solve their own problems?

Want to know a parenting strategy that works for ALL of these questions?  Say what you see.  As in,
"You're choosing to do your homework right away before you play. "
"Oooh.  The water is cold on your feet!"
"You're using lots of blue that painting."
"You pushed the button and the light came on!"
"Two kids want the seat.  Hmm.  Must be something you can do to work that out."

Why does this simple strategy work?  Our child feels seen, heard, understood, recognized, empowered, valued.  Positive choices are rewarded with attention. We connect.  Sometimes, that's all it takes.