Parenting Blog

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." --  Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret?  They learn their behavior from us.

"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner, vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone?  My back is very grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad from time to time."
    --www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/

Everyone who loves also grieves. 

Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults.  As our children age, we lose them over and over.  And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.

Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead.  "You're old enough!"

But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs.  How can we avoid that?

I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life.  If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings. 

There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world.  I think there's a parallel here.

I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place. Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level. 

>Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally.  Spending time reading to him might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer his deeper questions about whether he's loved and valued for who he is. Teaching her to throw a ball might be a good bonding experience, but if she's hitting her little sister because she's afraid you don't love her as much, it's an indirect (and less effective) route to healing her fear.

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this experiment: 

1. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny.  If you tickle, be very gentle and stop immediately if your child asks you to. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

2. If your child talks, listen closely and commiserate, so he feels understood. Resist the urge to lecture or teach. Drop any agenda except appreciating your child. Mostly, just be physical, not verbal.

3. Turn resistance into a game. Sometimes when parents begin this experiment, kids resist because they aren't sure they trust the idea of more closeness.  They ridicule the parent or wriggle away.  If this happens, turn it into a game.  Become a hapless bumbler, begging for a hug or kiss.  "I just need my fix of Eli" you might say.  "Just one little hug."  Crawl after him, grab an ankle to kiss, and if he wriggles away again, let him escape while continuing your clumsy pursuit.  "I'll never give up...I can't live without kissing you!"  Take your cues from him, but if he lets himself be caught, kiss him all over, saying "Oh, I just need these delicious Eli kisses....Finally!"  Notice I'm not recommending tickling, which can make kids feel over-powered.  Giggling, on the other hand, is a great way to let off pent-up emotions (and much more fun for the parent than tears), as long as the child feels in control of the game.

4. Welcome all emotion.  Parents frequently report that they have a lovely time with their child only to have the kid throw a violent tantrum later that day.  Kids often respond to increased closeness by letting out emotions they haven't felt safe showing you before.  So when you end the play session, if your child creates a crisis or suddenly becomes difficult, don't be surprised. Remind yourself that this is a good thing, a result of increased trust;  she's using this opportunity to heal old wounds. Set whatever loving limit you need to ("We can't play more now but we will have special time again tomorrow.") If your child responds with anger or upset, offer empathy and hold her while she cries.  ("That makes you really sad. That's ok.  Everybody feels sad and needs to cry sometimes.") If she's mad, that's ok too, just empathize and she'll almost certainly collapse into tears. Afterwards, she'll feel closer to you and more cooperative.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.)  This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting

When our kids have a melt-down, it pushes buttons for most of us.  We want to be loving parents.  Why is our child being so unreasonable? We certainly weren't indulged this way when we were little.

Many parents are tempted to send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  Eventually, she will indeed calm down, but she'll also have gotten a clear message that her anger is unacceptable, and that she's on her own when it comes to managing her big scary feelings. No wonder so many of us develop anger-management issues, whether that means we yell at our kids, or overeat to avoid acknowledging angry feelings.

So what can we do instead? We can help our kids learn to manage their anger constructively.

One of the most critical tasks of childhood is learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive anger.  Kids don't learn this through banishment, but by us teaching them to honor all their feelings, while being responsible for their actions.

When your child gets angry:

1. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there is no emergency.  Keep yourself from moving into fight or flight. (Your child is not threatening your well-being by getting angry!)

2. Remind yourself that tantrums are nature's way of helping small people let off steam.  Their brains are still developing and they don't yet have the neural pathways to control themselves as we do. (The best way to help them develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, during the tantrum and at other times.) It's ok, even good, for them to tantrum, as long as they feel safe and accepted. Usually after we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel better inside, and they go on to have a much better day,

3. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper unhappiness like hurt, fear or sadness. All of us get angry, and little ones get angry more often.  That's because the happiness of all small children, to some degree, depends on them getting what they want. Losses and disappointments can feel like the end of the world to a child, and kids will do anything to fend off these intolerable feelings, so they cry and rage and lash out.  If they feel safe expressing their anger, they will move into the more threatening feelings underneath.  That's when they collapse into our arms and cry.

4. Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe, while acknowledging the anger.  "I see you are really angry. You wish you could get what you want right now. I'm so sorry, but you can't have that. You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not ok, no matter how upset you are. It's ok to show me how mad you are. You can scream and stomp and push on me if you want."

5. Keep yourself safe.  Kids often benefit from pushing against us, so if you can tolerate it, that's fine to allow, even good. But if your kid is hitting you, hold his wrist and say "I don't think I want that fist so close to me.  I see how angry you are.  You can hit the pillow, or push on me, but I won't let you hurt me."  Kids don't want to hurt us -- it makes them feel terrible afterwords.

6. Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I won't let you hurt me, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  I'll stay with you while you have these big feelings. Whenever you're ready for a hug, I'm here." If he yells at you to "Go away!" say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back a step, ok?  I won't leave you alone with these upsetting feelings, but I will move back."

6. Don't try to reason or explain.  When she's awash in adrenaline and other fight or flight reactions is not the time to explain why sugar is bad for her or get her to admit that she actually loves her little sister.  Acknowledge her upset and reassure her that you will stay with her until she calms down.

7. Don't try to evaluate whether he's over-reacting.  Of course he's over-reacting -- he's so little!  But remember also that small children experience daily hurts and fears that they can't verbalize and that we don't even notice.  They store them up and then look for an opportunity to "discharge" them. So if your kid has a meltdown over the blue cup and you really can't go right now to get the red cup out of the car, it's ok to just lovingly welcome his meltdown. You can usually tell when your child just needs to cry.  

8. Acknowledging his anger will help him calm down a bit. Then help him get under his anger. Make eye contact. "I hear you are so angry you want to hit. I wonder if you are also sad. You really wanted that. You feel so sad and disappointed that you can't have that." Once you recognize the feelings under the anger, he will probably pause in his anger and you will see some vulnerability or even tears. "I wonder if you are so sad it makes you want to cry. That's ok. Everyone feels that way sometimes. We all need to be held so we can cry sometimes. You feel so sad...."

Gradually, your child will internalize the ability to weather disappointment, and learn that while he cannot always get what he wants, he can always get something better -- someone who loves and accepts all of him, including the yucky parts like rage and disappointment.