Parenting Blog

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place. Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level. 

>Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally.  Spending time reading to him might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer his deeper questions about whether he's loved and valued for who he is. Teaching her to throw a ball might be a good bonding experience, but if she's hitting her little sister because she's afraid you don't love her as much, it's an indirect (and less effective) route to healing her fear.

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this experiment: 

1. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny.  If you tickle, be very gentle and stop immediately if your child asks you to. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

2. If your child talks, listen closely and commiserate, so he feels understood. Resist the urge to lecture or teach. Drop any agenda except appreciating your child. Mostly, just be physical, not verbal.

3. Turn resistance into a game. Sometimes when parents begin this experiment, kids resist because they aren't sure they trust the idea of more closeness.  They ridicule the parent or wriggle away.  If this happens, turn it into a game.  Become a hapless bumbler, begging for a hug or kiss.  "I just need my fix of Eli" you might say.  "Just one little hug."  Crawl after him, grab an ankle to kiss, and if he wriggles away again, let him escape while continuing your clumsy pursuit.  "I'll never give up...I can't live without kissing you!"  Take your cues from him, but if he lets himself be caught, kiss him all over, saying "Oh, I just need these delicious Eli kisses....Finally!"  Notice I'm not recommending tickling, which can make kids feel over-powered.  Giggling, on the other hand, is a great way to let off pent-up emotions (and much more fun for the parent than tears), as long as the child feels in control of the game.

4. Welcome all emotion.  Parents frequently report that they have a lovely time with their child only to have the kid throw a violent tantrum later that day.  Kids often respond to increased closeness by letting out emotions they haven't felt safe showing you before.  So when you end the play session, if your child creates a crisis or suddenly becomes difficult, don't be surprised. Remind yourself that this is a good thing, a result of increased trust;  she's using this opportunity to heal old wounds. Set whatever loving limit you need to ("We can't play more now but we will have special time again tomorrow.") If your child responds with anger or upset, offer empathy and hold her while she cries.  ("That makes you really sad. That's ok.  Everybody feels sad and needs to cry sometimes.") If she's mad, that's ok too, just empathize and she'll almost certainly collapse into tears. Afterwards, she'll feel closer to you and more cooperative.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.)  This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting

When our kids have a melt-down, it pushes buttons for most of us.  We want to be loving parents.  Why is our child being so unreasonable? We certainly weren't indulged this way when we were little.

Many parents are tempted to send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  Eventually, she will indeed calm down, but she'll also have gotten a clear message that her anger is unacceptable, and that she's on her own when it comes to managing her big scary feelings. No wonder so many of us develop anger-management issues, whether that means we yell at our kids, or overeat to avoid acknowledging angry feelings.

So what can we do instead? We can help our kids learn to manage their anger constructively.

One of the most critical tasks of childhood is learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive anger.  Kids don't learn this through banishment, but by us teaching them to honor all their feelings, while being responsible for their actions.

When your child gets angry:

1. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there is no emergency.  Keep yourself from moving into fight or flight. (Your child is not threatening your well-being by getting angry!)

2. Remind yourself that tantrums are nature's way of helping small people let off steam.  Their brains are still developing and they don't yet have the neural pathways to control themselves as we do. (The best way to help them develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, during the tantrum and at other times.) It's ok, even good, for them to tantrum, as long as they feel safe and accepted. Usually after we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel better inside, and they go on to have a much better day,

3. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper unhappiness like hurt, fear or sadness. All of us get angry, and little ones get angry more often.  That's because the happiness of all small children, to some degree, depends on them getting what they want. Losses and disappointments can feel like the end of the world to a child, and kids will do anything to fend off these intolerable feelings, so they cry and rage and lash out.  If they feel safe expressing their anger, they will move into the more threatening feelings underneath.  That's when they collapse into our arms and cry.

4. Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe, while acknowledging the anger.  "I see you are really angry. You wish you could get what you want right now. I'm so sorry, but you can't have that. You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not ok, no matter how upset you are. It's ok to show me how mad you are. You can scream and stomp and push on me if you want."

5. Keep yourself safe.  Kids often benefit from pushing against us, so if you can tolerate it, that's fine to allow, even good. But if your kid is hitting you, hold his wrist and say "I don't think I want that fist so close to me.  I see how angry you are.  You can hit the pillow, or push on me, but I won't let you hurt me."  Kids don't want to hurt us -- it makes them feel terrible afterwords.

6. Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I won't let you hurt me, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  I'll stay with you while you have these big feelings. Whenever you're ready for a hug, I'm here." If he yells at you to "Go away!" say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back a step, ok?  I won't leave you alone with these upsetting feelings, but I will move back."

6. Don't try to reason or explain.  When she's awash in adrenaline and other fight or flight reactions is not the time to explain why sugar is bad for her or get her to admit that she actually loves her little sister.  Acknowledge her upset and reassure her that you will stay with her until she calms down.

7. Don't try to evaluate whether he's over-reacting.  Of course he's over-reacting -- he's so little!  But remember also that small children experience daily hurts and fears that they can't verbalize and that we don't even notice.  They store them up and then look for an opportunity to "discharge" them. So if your kid has a meltdown over the blue cup and you really can't go right now to get the red cup out of the car, it's ok to just lovingly welcome his meltdown. You can usually tell when your child just needs to cry.  

8. Acknowledging his anger will help him calm down a bit. Then help him get under his anger. Make eye contact. "I hear you are so angry you want to hit. I wonder if you are also sad. You really wanted that. You feel so sad and disappointed that you can't have that." Once you recognize the feelings under the anger, he will probably pause in his anger and you will see some vulnerability or even tears. "I wonder if you are so sad it makes you want to cry. That's ok. Everyone feels that way sometimes. We all need to be held so we can cry sometimes. You feel so sad...."

Gradually, your child will internalize the ability to weather disappointment, and learn that while he cannot always get what he wants, he can always get something better -- someone who loves and accepts all of him, including the yucky parts like rage and disappointment.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  -- Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place.

Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level.  Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally. 

Spending time reading to them might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer their deeper questions about whether they're loved and valued for who they are,

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this healing experiment.  Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.) This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

After a week or two of this, your child will be different. And so will you.

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 --  F. P. Jones

Some parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap. Later, they're filled with remorse. Sound familiar?

Calming down is tough. The key is to intervene BEFORE you get angry.
 
Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something has been grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
 
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate. Do something nice to nurture yourself.
 
If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

• Make a positive connection with your child
• Empathize with whatever they’re expressing
• Restate your family rule or expectation
• Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating. 

There's always a solution besides losing it. Sending them outside? Snuggling with him on the couch for 15 minutes?  Dropping whatever you were doing for five minutes so you can move her along into whatever she's supposed to be doing? Roaring like a lion and getting the kids to all join in? Taking five minutes alone in the bathroom to breathe deep and regroup? 

The miracle comes when you face the fact of your rising irritation, instead of trying to ignore it or reflexively yelling.  That helps you notice the accident that could lie ahead -- and your chance to step in like the super-parent that you are, to avert disaster.