Parenting Blog

"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." --  Robert Gallagher

Setting limits is one of the most important skills of parenting. Limits keep our children safe and healthy and socialize them enough so that they can function happily in society.

But there's another important reason for setting limits.  If we do it right, our kids will internalize the ability to set limits for themselves, which is otherwise known as self-discipline. Their chances of leading happy, responsible, rewarding lives go way up.

How are you at setting limits? 

• Does your child immediately jump up to comply with every request, even though you never raise your voice?  If so, rejoice, give thanks, and please write to me with your secret.
• Does your child usually comply eventually, after some repeated reminders, negotiations, and occasional frayed tempers? Your family is in the completely normal range.  Some brushing up on your technique might help you get less irritated.
• Does your child ignore your every request, leaving you screaming far too often? That’s a symptom of a relationship issue, not a limits issue.  Some relationship repair work needs to precede any other goal with your child.

What are the secrets of setting limits?

1. Start with a strong, supportive connection with your child so he knows you're on his side and wants to please you.

2. Don't start talking until you're connected. Look your child in the eye. Touch him to get his attention.

3. Join with her before you set the limit.  (“This looks like so much fun.”)

4. Express genuine empathy while setting the limit. See it from his point of view.  ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

5. Help your child feel less "pushed around" by offering a choice. ("Do you want to come in now, or in five minutes?")

6. Get agreement so your child "owns" the limit. ("Ok, five minutes, but no fuss in five minutes, right?  Let's shake on it.")

7. Follow through, pleasantly. It's much easier to stay pleasant when you follow through before you lose your temper. It's also easier to get compliance from your child if she knows you won't keep moving the deadline if she fusses. Most of the time, you'll need to move in physically close so she's forced to take your limit seriously. This is much more effective than raising your voice.  ("It's been five minutes. Time to come in now.")

8. Keep joining and empathizing. ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

9. Limit the negotiations. ("I know it's hard to stop playing, but we agreed five minutes and no fuss.  It's been five minutes. Let's go.")

10. Don't expect him to like it. Your kid has to follow your limits. That doesn't mean he has to like them.  No kid will always comply cheerfully, and that's ok.  You can empathize with his unhappiness without changing your limit. ("I hear you hate coming inside when some of the other kids get to stay out later. That must be hard.  But you need a bath tonight and I want to be sure we get time for a story before bed."

11. When you can't grant a wish in reality, grant it in fantasy. ("I know you wish you could play all night. I bet when you grow up you'll stay up and play all night every single night, won't you?")

12. Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way.  Setting the limit teaches the lesson, as kids will eventually internalize our rules and routines as their own. When we punish them, we make it more likely that they'll rebel against our rules and routines. 

13. Only set the limits you really need to set, so that his life is more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration.  Saying No too often convinces him you aren't on his side, and undermines your relationship.

"Children learn what they live." --Dorothy Law Nolte

Today we're exploring the fourth commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  (You can find details on the earlier commitments on my blog.)

 Commit to role-modeling RESPECT.

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect, while offering the understanding that your child is obviously upset to speak like this, and as always you're there to support him.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention. If your child lashes out at you, that's a symptom of pain that you want to address.

3. When your child speaks disrespectfully, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying warmly connected to your child. Say in the kindest voice you can manage:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Of course, if you've been speaking to your child in a disrespectul tone (and yes, that includes yelling), this only works if you resolve now to stop.  Just start catching yourself in the middle of yelling, and closing your mouth.  Walk out of the room if you need to ("I'm sorry I'm yelling.  I don't want us to speak to each other this way.  I need to take a few minutes to calm down and then we'll try again.")

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we teach them it's ok to treat others that way.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we role model disrespectful behavior and insure that it will continue. 

If, instead, we greet their upset with kindness and caring, it immediately de-escalates the situation and highlights their rudeness as inappropriate.  Once kids get used to being treated this way, they usually calm down quickly and offer an unprompted apology.

Sound hard? Yes. This is the hardest stuff there is -- managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  But my experience is that any parent can make this transition and change the tone in their house to one of respect and warmth. And that's a miracle worth creating.