Parenting Blog

"Pay attention and stay centered. You carry the mantle of 'Mother,' the eternal principle of balance and stability. When your children's energy is scattered, be grounded. When your children throw tantrums, be still…Thus you will root them in health and release their souls to the limitless."
-- Vimala McClure, The Tao of Motherhood

Yesterday some of you worried that offering love in the face of your child’s upset would be teaching your kids that rudeness is ok.

Kids don’t learn from lectures — as all parents learn, to our dismay!  Kids learn what they live.  Acting rudely toward your kids — yelling, threatening — is what teaches kids that rudeness is ok.  Offering love in the face of emotional upset models meeting pain with compassion.  It teaches kids that anger is an inevitable part of being human and can be handled responsibly.

No, you’re not teaching him that he can get away with being rude.  You’re teaching him that he can’t always get what he wants, but he can survive that and get something even better — someone who loves him, yucky feelings and all, through thick and thin.  That’s unconditional love, the foundation of our kids’ emotional health and maturity.  

So you want to get rid of rudeness?  Try offering love.
 

"Whatever you are doing, however you are coping, if you listen to your child and to your own feelings, there will be something you can actually do to put things right or make the best of those that are wrong." – Dr. Penelope Leach

When your child snarls at you, could you just offer love?  
Look at her with love and compassion, understanding that she is miserable.

Try saying: “Wow.  I see how upset you are. I know you’re not usually mean, and we don’t treat each other that way in this house.  You must be really miserable to act like this. I’m so sorry if I hurt your feelings.  I love you and I would do anything for you.  I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m here with a hug when you’re ready.”

Just look at your child’s upset as a raging storm that you don’t have to get sucked into. Acknowledge her pain, then bite your tongue, except to offer empathy. Yes, this is a teachable moment, but the teaching is in what you’re modeling about compassion, self-control, staying connected.

No, you’re not teaching her that she can get away with being rude.  You’re teaching her that you’re a safe haven and she never needs or wants to lash out at you like that.

In your loving presence, your child’s storm will pass more quickly.  Don’t be surprised if she thanks you afterwards, and wants the reassurance of some extra hugs.

“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?”
-- Roseanne Barr

Parents often tell me that when their kids “act up” it’s hard for them to stay calm — so they yell or threaten, neither of which produces better behavior from kids.

The secret? Always WAIT before disciplining. Nothing says you have to issue edicts on the fly.

If your kids are toddlers, use prevention and positive redirection, never “discipline.”  For older kids, always wait until you’re calm.

Simply say something like “I can’t believe you hit your brother again. I need to think about this, and we will talk about it this afternoon. Until then, I expect you to be on your best behavior.”
 
Once you’ve taken a ten minute timeout and still don’t feel calm enough to relate constructively, you can re-enter the room and say “I want to think about what just happened, and we will talk about it later. In the meantime, I need to make dinner and you need to finish your homework, please.”
 
After dinner, sit down with your child and, if necessary, set firm limits. But you will be more able to listen to his side of it, empathize with him, and to respond with reasonable, enforceable, respectful limits to his behavior.  And that’s the only kind of discipline that makes kids want to behave.

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."  --  Harold Hulbert

We’ve been working for a couple of weeks on staying centered, and not acting while we’re triggered.  Have you noticed that your child is responding with better behavior?  

This week and next we’ll be talking about managing your kids — and yourself -- so you have fewer triggers with which to cope.
 
Did you know that we have the power to calm or upset ourselves and the person we’re speaking with by our own tone of voice and choice of words?

Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. Conversely, when we use swear words or other highly charged words, or an irritated tone, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates.

Today, when your child escalates the situation with his or her tone, remember that you're the role model.  Try monitoring your tone and word choice in every interaction with your kids, and see what happens.

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 --  F. P. Jones

So what happened when you got irritated, annoyed, impatient, frustrated or angry at your kids yesterday?
Were you able to stop yourself from acting?

The whole notion of a Practice is that by repetition (and making lots of mistakes) we learn to do things better.  If you find yourself not living up to your commitment to not act when triggered, be mindful not to get triggered about that.  
 
It’s just practice.
Pick yourself up.  
And any pieces you may have broken around you
...and start again.

Really!
Use the four-step process to re-center yourself:
1.  Name it. What’s under the anger?
2.  Create space.  Move away from your kids and take a few minutes to yourself.
3.  Shift your emotions. Remind yourself that they’re acting like kids because they are kids.
4.  Respond to the situation with gentle guidance.  Set whatever limits are appropriate.  Enforce them with empathy.  
 
If we’re honest, we have tremendous choice about how we react.
Commit to not acting when you’re triggered.
Don’t be surprised if your children thank you.