Parenting Blog

My Aha Moment parenting this week happened when I came across this quote from Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso, who’s written several wonderful childrens’ books. She said: "In moments of silence, you see children's souls."

That day, I had been thinking about a question I received on my website: "Why is it my child always wants to have intense conversations after lights out at bedtime?"  

I’ve always noticed this with my own children. I’ve made a practice of lying down with them at night for five minutes. When the lights go out, they open up.  I’ve always thought it was the darkness, which takes a little of the pressure off when we delve into vulnerable emotions.  Or maybe they feel safe because I’m snuggling them.  Maybe it even brings back their feeling of being babies in my arms, where they know they’re safe and Mom can help them make everything right again.  But when I heard Rabbi Sasso’s quote I thought, All these things are true.  But it’s also because of the silence.

So as I wrote to my reader.  Don't worry, your child isn't consciously manipulating you. Humans, including kids, are busy and distracted all day. When the lights go out and the stillness settles, the unresolved issues of the heart press in on us.

Setting your child's bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark is one of the best things you can do for your child. Sometimes, you might even have an agenda for your visit. But most of the time, you'll want to cuddle in silence. Those companionable, safe moments of silence invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to the surface.

Do you have to resolve it then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child that you hear their concern, and that together you will solve it, tomorrow. The next day, be sure to follow up. You'll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. You might even catch a glimpse of your child's soul

"The average parent spends twice as long each day dealing with their email as they do playing with their child." — British government survey finding

We all know that feeling of trying to tear ourselves away from the computer to tend to our kid.  Back in the days when more of our work was manual -- kneading bread dough, darning socks -- we could at least attend to kids while we accomplished our tasks.  Computers rivet our attention and take us right out of the room. Our kids feel that.

Of course, dealing with kids can be challenging at the end of a long day.  Most parents say they have to psych themselves up to remain calm and cheerful through the dinner, bath and bedtime routine.  But the tone of this time together is what creates the fabric of your child's life. 

Can you make your child your priority for these few hours?  Can you resist that urgent need to quickly check your email, and focus instead on connecting with your kid?  Can you stay calm through all the bedtime testing so the last thing your child feels is safe warmth, rather than angry threats?

How?

• Implement a routine -- make a chart with pictures -- so things go smoothly.
• Divide parental time equally between kids.
• Give each child some private quality time after lights-out for a snuggle and low-key check-in.
• Don't do anything else during the bedtime routine so you can focus on moving it along.
• Go to bed early enough yourself so you aren't exhausted the next evening during the bedtime routine.

May your evening be filled with miracles, large and small.

"In moments of silence, you see children's souls."  -- Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

A reader wrote recently, "Why is it my child always wants to have intense conversations after lights out at bedtime?"  Don't worry, your child isn't consciously manipulating you.  Humans, including kids, are busy and distracted all day.  When the lights go out and the stillness settles, the unresolved issues of the heart press in on us.

Setting your child's bedtime a wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time visiting and snuggling in the dark is one of the best things you can do for your child.  Sometimes, you might even have an agenda for your visit.  But most of the time, you'll want to cuddle in silence.  Those companionable, safe moments of silence invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to surface.

Do you have to resolve it then?  No.  Just listen.  Acknowledge feelings.  Reassure your child that you hear their concern, and that together you will solve it, tomorrow.  The next day, follow up.  You'll be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens. 

You might even catch a glimpse of your child's soul.

On my radio show today (every Wednesday at noon ET at MyExpertSolution.com) I interviewed Elizabeth Pantley about her new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution: Guaranteed Gentle Ways to Solve All Your Naptime Problems. I think this may be her best book yet because it addresses the questions parents ask most often, like "How do I put my baby down awake so he learns to fall asleep in the crib, when he always falls asleep nursing?" and "My baby hates sleeping on her back, she always startles awake.  What can I do?"

Elizabeth happened to mention her checklist for safe co-sleeping, and several listeners contacted me later to ask about it.  I'm reprinting it here as a guest blog, but I also encourage you to check out Elizabeth's website, where she has a wealth of material like this.  Here's her Checklist for Safe Co-Sleeping:

♦  Your bed must be absolutely safe for your baby. The best choice is to place the mattress on the floor, making sure there are no crevices that your baby can become wedged in. Make certain your mattress is flat, firm, and smooth. Do not allow your baby to sleep on a soft surface such as a waterbed, sofa, pillowtop mattress, beanbag chair, or any other flexible and yielding structure. 

♦  Make certain that your fitted sheets stay secure and cannot be pulled loose. 

♦  If your bed is raised off the floor, use mesh guardrails to prevent baby from rolling off the bed, and be especially careful that there is no space between the mattress and headboard or footboard. (Some guardrails designed for older children are not safe for babies because they have spaces that could entrap tiny bodies.)
If your bed is placed against a wall or against other furniture, check every night to be sure there is no space between the mattress and wall or furniture where baby could become stuck.

♦  An infant should be placed between his mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings, grandparents, and babysitters don't have the same instinctual awareness of a baby's location as do mothers. Mothers: Pay attention to your own sensitivity to baby. Your little one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement or noise — often even a sniff or snort is usually enough. If you find that you sleep so deeply that you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, seriously consider moving baby out of your bed, perhaps into a cradle or crib near your bedside.

♦  Use a large mattress to provide ample room and comfort for everyone.

♦  Consider a “sidecar” arrangement in which baby's crib or cradle sits directly beside the main bed.

♦  Make certain that the room your baby sleeps in, and any room he might have access to, is childproof. (Imagine your baby crawling out of bed as you sleep to explore the house. Even if he has not done this — yet — you can be certain he eventually will!)

♦  Do not ever sleep with your baby if you have been drinking alcohol, if you have used any drugs or medications, if you are an especially sound sleeper, or if you are suffering from sleep deprivation and find it difficult to wake.

♦  Do not sleep with your baby if you are a large person, as a parent's excess weight poses a proven risk to baby in a co-sleeping situation. I cannot give you a specific weight-to-baby ratio; simply examine how you and baby settle in next to each other. If baby rolls towards you, if there is a large dip in the mattress, or if you suspect any other dangerous situations, play it safe and move baby to a bedside crib or cradle.

♦  Remove all pillows and blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Dress baby and yourselves warmly for sleep. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an old turtleneck or t-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline, as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Keep in mind that body heat will add warmth during the night. Make sure your baby doesn't become overheated.

♦  Do not wear nightclothes with strings or long ribbons. Don't wear jewelry to bed, and if your hair is long, pin it up.

♦  Don't use strong-smelling perfumes or lotions that may affect your baby's delicate senses.

♦  Do not allow pets to sleep in bed with your baby.

♦  Never leave your baby alone in an adult bed unless that bed is perfectly safe for your baby, such as a firm mattress on the floor in a childproof room, and when you are nearby or listening in on baby with a reliable baby monitor.