Parenting Blog

Want to stop yelling at your kids?  Ready to start having dinner as a family?  Need to find a way to rebuild your relationship with your son or daughter? Desperate to change the tone in your house from sniping and snotty to laughing and loving?

Beyond the obvious opportunity for religious teaching -- and embodying the spirit of giving -- the New Year is a great time for families to reflect on, appreciate, and evolve their lives together.

It’s traditional at Kwanzaa to rededicate oneself to living a principled life. The rest of us usually rely on the tradition of making a New Year’s resolution. Unfortunately, studies show that most Americans make New Year's Resolutions, but most abandon them in frustration and self-disgust within a few weeks. Why?  

Their resolutions were too vague, or too overwhelming, or they didn’t have a plan, or they didn’t make their resolution into a habit, or they didn’t revise their plans to accommodate reality when they hit a wall. Or, most of the time, they never really committed themselves, so their resolution couldn’t grow roots, much less flower. Sound familiar?

There are a few lucky folks who actually make their New Year's resolutions come true, however. What can we learn from their secrets?

1. Prioritize. You can't get more fit, stop yelling at your kids, and get a promotion at work all at once. However, if you do one of these things, it gives you confidence to tackle the others.  The only way anyone ever met a big goal was by breaking it into little pieces and accomplishing one day at a time.  Set a manageable goal for January, and then make a list of "next goals" to cultivate in turn after you've mastered your first resolution. Take it one step at a time. If you make a daily choice to take a step in your desired direction, soon you’ll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

2. Commit yourself – on paper. Once we set an intention, the universe lines up to support us.  We marshal resources we never even suspected we had available, from both inside and out. Hone your desire: Why do you want this goal?  What will be different in your life once you achieve it? Describe what your life will look like. Fierce desire + Intention = the seed of your Resolution. Without that seed, nothing grows.

3. Start by centering yourself. It's hard to launch a new project when you're already stressed out. Before you tackle a big new goal, set a smaller goal to get yourself more grounded. For instance, commit to finding ten minutes a day to sit quietly while you meditate, pray, chant, feel gratitude, or write in a journal. Studies show that just ten minutes a day doing any of these things diminishes stress, increases happiness, and assists in weight loss. It helps us become more loving and patient with ourselves and others. And it gives us the springboard from which to make other changes in our lives.  Consider this tilling the soil. Your Resolution might grow without it, but don’t you want to give yourself the best possible shot at success?

4. Make a plan. How will you support yourself to accomplish your resolution? What will you actually do, day by day, to achieve your goal? Write it all down. Assign yourself a (reasonable) task for each day, with one day every week free for catch-up or time off. (It might be the same task every day; for instance, “Get up ten minutes earlier than usual to sit in silence.”) Put your your daily tasks on your calendar. Make a chart to check off your daily progress. Every day you stick to your plan, you’re growing roots.

5. Make it a habit. Most resolutions go wrong because they aren’t sustained for long enough to change a habit.  Habits need to be repeated at least once daily (preferably at the same time each day) for 30 days to become entrenched. Check in every day and take a positive action towards your goal. Think of this as watering your Resolution. Don’t lose heart if your Resolution isn’t flowering during the first month. You should be able to see those shoots poking up, and maybe some buds forming.  In other words, progress in the right direction.

6. Take it one day at a time.  If your change were easy, you'd already be doing it.  So naturally it's hard to imagine that change lasting forever, or even for a year.  But you can do anything for an hour, or an afternoon. From there, it isn't such a big stretch to go a whole day.  Before you know it,  you've clocked a week of your new life, and then a month.  What about those days when you blow it?  Plan now -- of course those days will happen!  If you learn from it, it's not a total loss.  What can you do next time so you keep to your resolution?  Use those times you fall short of your goal to make a plan for the future, now. 

7. Review and Revise. Check your plan every single day. Give yourself lavish positive reinforcement for every day you take a step forward – which should be almost every day. Cheer when you see the first flowers.  Not working? Maybe you need some sunshine. Find whatever support you need to help you make your plan a reality. Or some fertilizer; revise your plan as necessary. For instance, take smaller steps every day, so you can actually make some daily progress. Don’t be afraid to lengthen your timetable. Even two steps forward, one step back will get you where you’re going. Any goal worth achieving will take longer than you thought.  Sometimes the impossible just takes a little longer.

“My memories of Christmas as a child are of stress. My mother wanted everything to be perfect and got so worked up trying to do it all that it made the rest of the family crazy. I remember my dad comforting me when I was about 8yrs-old, I was crying and said 'I hate Christmas' and he said 'I do, too, honey. We just have to get through it.' For my kids I try to be relaxed and fun. We make ornaments for friends and family in December and give them out as we see people — gets us into the giving without thought of receiving. We take time to see the lights around town, to decorate and appreciate our tree. We talk about the other festivals of lights and remember that feasting and gifts are to make the darkest, coldest time of year merry. We celebrate the return of the sun. We relax and play and laugh and appreciate each other." --  Amy S

What's the #1 Parenting Survival Skill, in December and all year long?  No, not knowing how to out-argue your 11 year old, charm your 3 year old into cooperating, or even get your baby to sleep through the night.  The #1 parenting survival skill with any age child is to manage and nurture yourself so that you can stay calm and loving with your child.

Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and they depend on you.  Your good mood helps your child to regulate his own mood. If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kid stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, I promise you that your child will begin to act out.

Your child doesn't need a magazine-spread holiday. She needs you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer.  How?

• Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy.
• Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. The dog ate the turkey?  Order Chinese food and make the best of it.  This will give you so much laughter as you tell the story over the years that it's well worth the temporary disappointment!
• Be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?)
• Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. Start by getting enough sleep.
• The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your children and regroup.
• Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.
• At New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.

What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

"Television advertisements for toys and games often exploit children's underlying needs and desires.  Many commercials show a child playing with a game or toy with her parents.  The message is clear to young children: Ask for this product and your mother and father will pay attention to you.  It is an offer they cannot resist." -- Lawrence Kutner

As we move through December, are your children developing a case of the gimmees?

Commercialization doesn’t serve these sacred days, our wallets, or our children. Seasonal ads whip kids into a frenzy of desire that can only lead to a crash and burn.

But none of the holidays we observe in December has anything to do with purchasing things. Each is an opportunity to celebrate – the birth of the Savior, the Seven Principles of Kwanza, the return of the light with the Solstice, and the miracle of faith symbolized by the Chanukah lights.  

Protective parenting means:
1. Filling kids' deeper need for connection so they don't search for love at Toys r Us. How? Family traditions and seasonal rituals. One on one time with each child, maybe while doing something seasonal, but actually just to connect and listen.
2. Turning off the TV ads that have been designed to arouse burning desires in your child for more, more, more.
3. Gently reminding kids of the real meaning of your holiday by including some meaning and magic along with any materialism.
4. Helping your child experience the joy of giving by making presents.

What can you do this week to fill your child's real needs -- for love, self-direction, creativity -- instead of promoting bottomless greed with more "things"?  

"The darkness of the whole world cannot swallow the glowing of a candle."
-- Robert Altinger

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" -- Harry Dixon Loes

Happy December 18th!

Today is the last day of Chanuka, the festival of lights, which celebrates miracles and faith.  Monday marks the Winter Solstice, signaling the turning of the seasons and the daily increase in the gift of sunlight.
 
Today we celebrate the miracle of faith.
Faith that the oil will keep burning.
Faith that the sun will soon gift us with its presence for a little longer each day.
Faith that your children will grow and thrive.
Faith that these children were sent to your arms for a reason.
Faith that you have it in you to be the best parent possible to your child.
Faith that you are more than enough.

Today, revel in the miracle of faith
And fill your cup all day long
With gratitude
For all the miracles in your life
and let your light shine!

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

“Lower your standards …Turn your back on Martha Stewart and settle for good enough...Your soul needs feeding even more than the lawn and if it’s an inch or two longer than the neighbors’, you’ll be giving them a chance to feel superior ;-) -- Juliet Chase

I have a confession to make.  Some part of me wants a Martha Stewart holiday.  I have visions of sugar plums and homemade jelly donuts dancing in my head, along with my children's faces shining as they light candles, the house decorated like a magazine spread.

Meanwhile, my daughter has homework, tests, practice. My son's too busy studying for finals to chat much. My husband and I have work travel, deadlines, errands, doctor's appointments. Decorations? I'd settle for a clean sink.

So I'm turning my back on Martha Stewart. (Nothing personal, of course.) Instead, every holiday activity that gets squeezed into our life goes through my soul meter:  Will doing this feed my soul? If not, can I take it off my list? I'm going for the holiday activities that make my life FEEL good, not the ones that make it LOOK good. 

Why not feed your soul this season?  Whatever holiday you celebrate, its meaning is more about love than purchasing.  And if you want to feed your kids' souls, notice that their faces shine when they feel seen and cherished for who they are. What your child needs from you this holiday season is a little magic, a few treasured traditions, and a lot of love.

And maybe a sugar plum or two.