Parenting Blog

“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether

Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.

The information they give us is often valuable.  The nitpicking isn’t.  All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.

It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives.  We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.

Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself?  Your kids?  Your partner?  Life?

Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend.  Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)

Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?

Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?

Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?

Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?

You might make miracles.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself, is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything that we've ever witnessed anywhere in the universe." -- Abraham-Hicks

What do you do well as a parent?  Make a list. In writing, if you can.  But at least in your mind, right now.  Keep going until you have at least ten things.  Better yet, 20. 

Now give yourself credit for that list. I know, you're not perfect. Join the club.  But just for this minute, give yourself total appreciation for all the things you do right as a parent.  All those things no one else ever even notices. Savor that feeling. 

Now, for the rest of the day, every time you see yourself acting toward your child in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, give yourself an internal hug or a high five.

The times you don't feel so good about?  Let them go and move on to better interactions.

I guarantee you'll feel better and better throughout the day.  And so will your kids.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born.  At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me.  I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.”  Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie

What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings.  He showed her these feelings by hitting her.  She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it.  That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger.  It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded.  The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer.  He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.

Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.

When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.  It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you. 

This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids.  They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through.  Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling.  Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem.  Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.

But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did?  He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go.  You might say:

"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry.  Everyone is sad sometimes.  I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."

Or "All of a sudden you seem angry.  You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok.  Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad." 

Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings.  If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me.  Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you.  You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him,  You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are.  Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.

After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  -- Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place.

Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level.  Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally. 

Spending time reading to them might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer their deeper questions about whether they're loved and valued for who they are,

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this healing experiment.  Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.) This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

After a week or two of this, your child will be different. And so will you.