Parenting Blog

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

We all know that children require unconditional love to thrive. But how many of us are capable of giving it?

We can't, quite simply, give something we don't have inside.  Healing your ability to love takes daily attention and commitment, but it's quite do-able.  Think of it like playing the piano.  In the beginning, a scale is an effort.  But in a year, you can play a sonata.  Here's how.

1. Forgive yourself for being human and therefore imperfect.  Start by changing how you talk to yourself. Every time you notice self-criticism, remind yourself that your goal isn’t perfection, your goal is loving yourself and others.

2. Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout.  Commit to treating yourself and everyone around you with compassion. No exceptions.

3. Forgive your parents for being human. Maybe you got the message that you were too needy, too angry, too selfish, too lazy, too careless...too childish?  Our parents, however well-intentioned, were products of their time, and most of us didn't get the message that we were wholly loved, human imperfections and all. It’s time to let that go.  Whose life is it, anyway? (Can’t forgive your parents, or someone else? That’s a defense against the pain of feeling unloved. Proceed to #4).

4. Do some healing. Find an hour by yourself. Light a candle and sit quietly.  Reach out to that child inside you who still feels unloved and feel his or her pain. Breathe. Reassure that child that he or she is completely lovable and loved. Be brave. Once you get through that pain you've been avoiding, you won't need to hang on to any kind of anger.  It may arise --you're still human! -- but you'll be able to notice it and let it go, rather than acting on it. That's why forgiving others heals us.

5. When you're angry, remove yourself from your child. Listen to your anger's messages about your life. Look under the anger for what's hurting or scaring you. Attend to healing yourself.  Then, and only then, reconnect with your child.

6. Notice that under your child's misbehavior there is always a reason, an upset feeling or unmet need.  (It may not be what you consider a good reason, but there's a reason.) Address that underlying reason, not the behavior.

7. Forget about teaching your child lessons unless you're in a state of love and can teach lovingly.  Anger and punishment are never based in love.  A teachable moment is always when both people are receptive and positive.

8. Deepen your connection to your child so you always see things from his or her point of view.  Your unconditional love will flower.

9. Cultivate gratitude, all day, every day.  Gratitude is the easiest path to love.

10. Repeat daily. Watch your life transform.