Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

What a great question! Helping kids identify emotions happens long before 18 months.  Kids have a huge passive vocabulary by then. Children need to hear words for about six months before they can use the words themselves. So we want to begin using "feeling" words as soon as we begin talking to our babies. 

But your question is so important! How do we help them gain a language for their feelings, which helps them learn to manage all those stormy emotions?

1. Label emotions as often as possible by empathizing with your child's feelings from the earliest ages:
"Wow! That's cold!"
"What a big smile! You're happy!"
"You are so sad, you just need to cry.  That's ok, Sweetie, Mom will hold you while you get all those sad feelings out."
"You are so mad! You don't like it when your brother pushes you. Come on, Mom will help you tell him No Pushing."

In the same way that we model thanking Aunt Margaret for the present, by holding our child and saying "Josh loves the truck, Auntie, thank you so much!", we use our words on behalf of our child to express his indignant feelings when his brother pushes him.

2. Play "Name that feeling" by making faces at each other and guessing what feeling is being expressed.  Little ones love this game, but usually cant play it until they are at least two so they can verbalize the name of the feeling.

3. Play the "If you're happy and you know it" game with different
feelings:

"If you're happy and you know it" - clap your hands
"If you're mad and you know it" - stomp your foot
"If you're sad and you know it" - cry a tear
"If you're hungry and you know it" - rub your tum
"If you're tired and you know it" - give a yawn
"If you're antsy and you know it" - jump up and down
"If you're shy and you know it" - peek through your hands
"If you're silly and you know it" - giggle and twist
"If you're loved and you know it" - hug your mom
etc

This game is fun for all ages and has the advantage of helping kids identify body feelings -- which is, after all, where they experience all feelings.

You can also use it to help kids process the feelings, so that for instance, 
"If youre mad and you know it" - 
blow air out, shake it out, shout it out, dance it out.  
Gives kids good anger management skills.

4. Play "Feelings" with stuffed animals.  Mom uses the stuffed animals to act out emotions, with the little one telling the mom "Im MAD!" and acting the part. The mom, of course, responds my accepting his feelings and loving him through them. (As my three year old said, holding his train engines, "I'm mad at you, Donald, I'll throw you in the trash!" "That's ok, Douglas, you can be mad and love someone at the same time.")

5. Read books about feelings.  Aliki's book Feelings was a favorite with my daughter for years.  Although 18 months is a bit early. But there are other good books out there for toddlers. Check out Parenting Press.

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