Gameplan for Positive Parenting Your Early Teen
Positive parenting a teenager? A terrific teen who's responsible, considerate, shows good judgment, at least most of the time? Yes, it is possible! Here's your game plan.
You may not feel like you have much influence on your child these days, but teens’ behavior is highly correlated
with the strength of their bonds with their parents. Good
relationships between teenagers and their parents, as rated by both,
are positively correlated with school success and general happiness as
rated by the teen and those around her.
Weak or conflictual parent/teen relationships are correlated with early sexual activity, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, the teen's involvement in violence (as either perpetrator or victim), and suicide.
How do you parent this blossoming person who sometimes seems to be becoming a stranger?
1. Establish dependable together time. Be
sure to check in every single day. A few minutes of conversation while
you're cleaning up after dinner or right before bedtime can keep you
tuned in and establish open communication. Even teens who seem to have
forgotten who their parents are the other 23 hours a day often respond
well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they're lounging in
bed. In addition to these short daily check-ins, establish a regular
weekly routine for doing something special with your teen, even if it's
just going out for ice cream or a walk together.
2. Parent actively and appropriately.
Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or
daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to
ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be
doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re
familiar with their activities.
3. Continue family meetings. Held
regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide a
forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements,
schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. Ground rules help.
Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without
interruption; everyone listens, and only positive, constructive
feedback is allowed. To get resistant teens to join in, combine the
get-together with incentives such as post-meeting pizza or ice cream,
or assign them important roles such as recording secretary or rule
enforcer. Click here for more on Family Meetings.
4. Try to be there after school.
The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn't Saturday night; it's
between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can.
If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult
supervision, not just an older sibling.
5. Make it your highest priority to eat meals together as
often as you can. Meals are a great opportunity to talk about the days'
events, to unwind, reinforce and bond. They're also your best
opportunity to keep in touch with your teen's life and challenges, and
to spot brewing problems. Finally, an important factor in kids'
happiness and overall success is whether they feel they get time to
"just hang out and talk" with parents every day. Click here for more
on Dinner.
6. Keep the lines of communication humming. Click here for more on Becoming a Brilliant Listener, Getting Your Kids to Talk with You, and Family Conversations your Teen Will Love.
7. Enforce good self-care, such as the nine and half hours of sleep every teen needs, regular intake of adequate protein and low glycemic nutrients, and reduced hydrogenated oils and sugar. Coffee is a bad idea for early teens because it interferes with normal sleep patterns. Too much screen time, especially in the hour before bedtime, reduces melatonin production and makes it harder for kids to fall asleep at night.
8. Keep your standards high. Kids don't want you to be their friend. They need you to be their guide. If you don't hold the flashlight and point toward where they should be headed -- responsible behavior, good grades, college -- who will?
9. Keep kids safe and connected to the family by keeping computers in your common space. It can be hard for parents to track what teens do on line because they know more about the computer than we do. But research shows that he'll be less tempted to spend time doing things you'd disapprove of if the computer is in a common space, where you can walk by and glance at what he's doing. Kids live online these days, but he can still stay connected to his family if online is in the heart of your home.
