Second Trimester

 
You're showing! You've gone public with the great news. Hopefully your body has adjusted and stopped feeling so queasy. You're no longer falling into bed each night at 7pm. You're exercising, eating right, and you've gotten used to doing without that glass of wine at parties.  And, finally, you've made a decision you feel good about regarding your birth venue and caretaker.  What's next?  Bonding.

1. Bond with Your Baby.  When your baby is born, she'll recognize your voice and find it calming.  He'll recognize music heard in utero and find it reassuring.  She'll be calmer if you've been calmer during pregnancy.  And, whether or not you know your baby's gender, you'll feel closer to the baby if you've taken time to make peace with it, giving your child permission to be exactly the boy or girl it is. 

Your bond with your baby starts as soon as you find out you're pregnant, even before you feel him move.  Go ahead.  Connect.  Your baby is listening.

2. Bond with Your Partner.  When the baby comes, you and your partner will have to renegotiate much of your lives.  It helps if you've learned how to do that already. It a lot easier if your relationship has a strong foundation of trust, affection and nurturing.  And it's invaluable if your partner approaches parenting from the same general philosophy as you do.

Use the nine months of pregnancy to let your partner connect with your baby; their bond should start now.  But make sure to use this time also for as much juicy sex and intimacy between the two of you as you can get. You'll need that relationship glue once baby comes.

3. Pamper Yourself.  Use your nine months of pregnancy to bond with your baby and your partner, by all means. But be sure also to nurture yourself as much as possible, so you don't go into motherhood with a nurturing deficit. You'll need to draw on your deepest resources and put your own needs second too often after the birth, so make sure you're securely anchored to whatever well replenishes your body, mind and soul.

4. Prepare siblings. If you have other children, help them prepare for the birth of a sibling by referring to "Our baby" or "Your sister" or even "Your baby."  The more ownership they feel -- and of course, the less they feel displaced -- the less jealousy they'll exhibit.  Some ideas to prepare big brother or sister:

• Cultivate the relationship between the older child and your partner throughout the pregnancy.  When you're nursing the new baby nonstop,  you want your older child to be excited about spending time with Dad.
• Encourage your child's connection to the baby by:
  
*reading books about childbirth
*taking him with you to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat
*pondering potential baby names together  (if you can let him "name" the baby with a name you love, all the better.)
*packing a bag together for the hospital that includes a photo of him 
• Emphasize the older child's specialness by going through his baby pictures and talking about what a wonderful baby he was, and what a wonderful boy he is  now.
• Let your child express his full range of feelings throughout the pregnancy, birth, and afterwards, responding with empathy.  Naturally he will feel some jealousy of all the time and attention you and everyone else are giving to the new baby.  Reassure him with your  words and actions that you adore him, and be sure to spend "special" time just with him each day.  While it's fine to emphasize the advantages of being older, it's ok to reassure him that he will always be your baby, too, and to baby him a bit.  Some older sibs will want to "play" baby, and that's fine. He won't regress forever.
  
• Get any big changes out of the way well in advance of the birth, such as room changes, weaning and toilet training.  She needs time to make these new routines into habits without associating them with the baby.
• Keep your relationship with your older child as smooth and affectionate as possible, sidestepping power struggles and minimizing conflicts.  She needs to be secure in your love to handle the arrival of a sibling with equanimity. Naturally she'll be testing you to be sure you still love her.
  
• You might consider sibling birth classes, which offer lessons on how to hold a baby, explanations of how a baby is born, and opportunities for your child to discuss his or her feelings about having a new brother or sister.  If you do this education yourself, be sure your child understands that babies cry a lot at first and aren't ready to play for a long time, but that the baby will always look up to big brother and want his attention and care.
  
• You'll need to decide and discuss with your older child who will be with him during the birth itself.  This can be a difficult time for the older sibling.  Be sure he has the opportunity during a "trial run" to spend the night with whoever will care for him. 
• You might consider having your older child be part of the birth process.  My own 4 year old son came to the hospital with us and built a new lego during labor, but was there during the birth (up near my head, holding my hand.)  He loved being present when his baby sister was "created," and has always been very protective of her.  Of course, I expected an easy delivery like my first, and had arranged for a close family friend to be with him during labor and to wisk him away if the birth got complicated.  I had also prepared him by reading lots of birth books.  Nowadays, there are great birth videos that are appropriate for children; see if you can rent "Gentle Birth Choices" or "Birth Day" from your local library to watch with your child.  His reaction can be a useful indicator as to whether he's ready to attend the actual birth.
  
• A classic way to prepare a child for observing a birth is to let him help you push a large piece of furniture across the room.  Point out that making loud noises, straining and sweating helps you work harder, and that labor is even more work.  It's important that your child know what to expect, including that the baby might look odd, that the cord bleeds when it's cut, and that it doesn't hurt baby.
  
• If your child is not present at the birth, you will want him to visit you as quickly as possible after the baby is born, before other visitors. Emphasize your joy at seeing him, rather than your preoccupation with the new baby.  Then let him sit and hold the baby, helping him to support her head.  Dr. Lawrence Aber, a bonding expert, says that babies' heads give off pheromones, and when we inhale them, we fall in love, and begin to feel protective.  The more your older child snuggles his new sib, the better their relationship is likely to be.
  
• Privately ask visitors and family to give "big brother or sister" presents instead of "new baby" presents. It will help your oldest to feel like there's indeed something to celebrate.  And be sure there's a special gift from the new baby to the older sib.
  

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Photos:
1-Autumn Sproles
2- Rich Johnson
3- Marvelous Momma
5-David Hofmann
4,6- Susan Collins